The Evangelion Omake Files: Innortal Style
by Innortal
Summary: The Eva Universe experiences their own time loops.
1. Buried Past

**Evangelion Omake Files**

**Buried Pasts**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

Please feel free to review, and make comments. If you find a spelling or wordage mistake, feel free to let me know. Thank you.

Also, please check out my other stories. I try to keep a constant level of dedication to all of them.

* * *

It had been a quiet week in Tokyo-3 since the death of the Eighth Angel. School had been boring, Misato had been drinking, Asuka had been yelling, Rei had been doing nothing, and Shinji had been listening to his SDAT way too often to be healthy.

Of course, the boredom had also resulted in where they were now.

Kensuke—proving that he wasn't just a supreme fan of military toys—somehow had convinced Misato to bring all three EVA pilots to an Anime Convention being held in Tokyo-3.

No one mentioned that that was because the rates had become so cheap lately, like the town had problems—such as giant beings from above trying to level it every month or so.

So now, all three pilots were standing around inside their plug suits, while Shinji and Asuka were rubbing their writing hands, as they had spent the last four hours signing autographs.

Well, that was why Shinji's hand was sore. Asuka was sore because one Asuka-fan had decided to make a costume and dressed like her. It would have been flattering, had the person not been thirty-seven, male, and weighed close to four hundred pounds.

Red was not his color.

"You ask her!"

"Not after what she did to Gakushi!"

Asuka turned towards them, tired of whatever they were talking about. "What the hell do you idiots want?" she nearly screamed.

The first one, a boy with black hair and brown eyes coughed, trying to force the courage to speak to her. "Um...my name is Daigo, and we were wondering if you are related to Kyoko Soryu?"

Asuka's face lost all color. "I...well..."

Rei decided to fill in for her. "Yes, her mother's name was Kyoko Zeppelin Soryu."

Asuka turned as if slapped, to face Rei. "How dare you tell them that, Wondergirl!"

"Wow, man," said the boy who would later be identified as Sakito, "she even has a partner named Wondergirl, just like her Mom!"

That stopped Asuka's rage. "What are you talking about?"

Misato was also wondering, as she had never been able to learn much about Asuka's mother, and even less about her Father.

"Um, you don't know about your Mother's career?"

"Sure I do," spat out Asuka, "she was a homebody."

The two boys blinked. Sakito spoke. "Well, she was probably enjoying her retirement, she did star in a lot of stuff."

Misato blinked. If Asuka's mother was an actress, it certainly would go a long way into explaining the attitude of the Second Child. "So, what was she? A movie star, a voice for anime, a stage performer?"

The two boys blinked again, but motioned for the group to follow, as they were led deeper into the Pit of Horror...I mean, deep into the back of the Anime FanCon. They followed, even as they entered the Hentai section, each person of the group with the exception of Rei believing they were just taking a shortcut.

Until, that is, they arrived at a booth with—

"WHAT?" screamed Asuka, as Misato and Shinji's mouth met the floor.

Before them, was a booth specializing in Kyoko Soryu: porn star and voice actress for Japanese Hentai Anime.

Daigo was looking at the video selection, before pulling out one DVD title. "Here we go, the first part of her twenty video series: "Red and Wondergirl Do Minsk".

Misato took the DVD and looked at the redhead on the cover. "It's Asuka's mom, alright."

"My Mother was a saint, she wasn't a slut!"

Rei wondered over to the wall and looked at the varying titles. "Why is this material at an Anime FanCon?"

Sakito took a teacher's pose. "Well, she was so popular for all her work, it just didn't seem right not to have her complete works on hand." _Not like I'm going to tell them the truth: that most FanCon attendees have obsessions for porn as well._

It was then that Rei turned to Misato. "Captain, am I to be ordered to help Asuka follow in her maternal parent's footsteps, since she has already chosen me for the next Wondergirl?"

She just received a death glare from Asuka. "Stay out of this, First!"

"Wow," said the guy manning the booth. "She sounds just like Akane from Neon Genesis Evangelion!"

That caused everyone in the group to blink again.

The guy looked at them. "Well, it wasn't a very well known anime. I mean; who would believe a bunch of teenagers piloting living machines with their parents' souls inside them fighting creatures that want to turn the whole human race into tang."

Misato grabbed the bridge of her nose. "Oh, I do not like where this is headed."

Sakito smacked his fist into his hand. "Oh, I remember that one. It had that cloned girl named Rei and the commander's son was named Keitaro, who was basically made into a huge wussy so that his Father could use him to help end the world."

Keitaro...I mean, Shinji paled, as Rei experienced her first eye twitch.

Asuka, by this time, had ceased functioning upon receiving undeniable proof that her mom had been a porn star. _No wonder the bitch wouldn't tell me who my Father was; I doubt even **she** knew!_

Finally, the guy sold them the whole Kyoko set, which had been the only way they could get the Evangelion series that she had been a voice actor in. "You know," he said, "this series has always had bad luck. First there was some guy who stalked the voice actresses, then he broke into the guy's home and stole some old scrolls that the writer got the idea for the series from. Man, the anime community really hates the stalker, he made the voice actress for Rei quit. Man, and that Yui Ikari had a sweet voice."

"WHAT?" cried out Shinji.

Misato, wisely, decided to keep quiet about one title she had found in the live porn section of Kyoko's work: "Something About Yui". Although she did plan to check on the one character on the cover that looked suspiciously like Ritsuko's mother.

Thus, they left with the huge package of DVDs, dragging Shinji out who was still loudly proclaiming that his Mother had been a holy saint and delivered him via Immaculate Conception.

* * *

After watching the entire Evangelion series, the group was stunned. The series had directly paralleled their lives, minus the gratuity sex scenes. While they had been crudely made and often looked more like cheap puppets, the Angels had even resembled what had been used in the series.

Misato just sat staring at the TV, her beer now warm. "I just don't believe it. I mean, how...why...what...?"

Asuka could only stare as well, her arguments about her porn-star mother forgotten for the moment, despite the fact that Rei had watched several of the "Red and Wondergirl" series while the others had taken a break to clear their minds from seeing friends die, cities destroyed, and the gratuitous sex that apparently they should have been having during the time they were going through the Angel Wars. She was more concerned about losing herself to the Fifteenth, getting her ass handed to her by the others, and the fact that apparently Shinji was supposed to have a thing for a partial clone of his own Mother. _FREAKS!_

Shinji just stared at what he had learned. _I need to get drunk...now...and stay that way._

Rei looked emotionless, but her mind was far from calm. _How dare the Commander do this to me. By my calculations, I should have become one with Shinji-kun seventy-five times from our introductions to now. If he followed this scenario, we would have all been happier. Why has he not?_ Then she would consider what the other videos showed her. _Does Asuka wish to become one with me and Shinji-kun as well? Her actions do mirror those of her Mother in several of those videos, but I have no desire to beat Shinji-kun with a whip, or handcuff him to a bed._

PenPen was just pissed because no one had fed him that day or yesterday, as they had been watching the videos for the last three days.

Misato and the others headed towards the table, trying to figure out what to do, while Shinji set about making a meal, including one for the penguin who had taken Misato's gun and was constantly prodding said boy with it.

"I still don't believe it," said Asuka.

Shinji looked at her. "What, just because we didn't have sex in the entry plug after we killed the Sixth Angel?"

Misato sighed. "It wasn't like we had sex after stopping Jet Alone, and I don't believe you and Rei had it after defeating the Fifth."

"No, Shinji and I did not engage in intercourse after the defeat of the Fifth Angel." Rei, however, was seriously feeling gypped, and planning on informing the Commander of said feelings...violently. So entranced in her own thoughts, Rei had not noticed she was eating the meat Shinji had prepared for the meal.

Shinji just blushed, not wanting to be a pervert, but wishing that his life had been like Keitaro's had been. Sure, during Third Impact he had been pretty well mind-fucked, but he still had a happy life to that point, doing just about every female working in NERV, and even stealing his Father's comfort woman. "Do you really think Dr. Akagi is sleeping with my Father?"

"Not at the current moment," said Rei. "They are not scheduled for another rendezvous until tomorrow night."

Shinji just dropped his head onto the table, shaking the meal. He had learned too much in the last few days not to seriously question if it was time to consider medication or a bullet, so he really didn't want to learn of his Father's sex life.

That was, until he felt Rei lift him up from the table. "Rei?" he squeaked out.

"Pilot Ikari, according to the series, you owe me seventy-five sessions of becoming one. I do not wish to deviate from the script."

"WHAT?" screamed out the other girls in the room.

PenPen gave as much of a thumb's up that he could, before entering his room.

Misato tried to stop her, but Asuka beat her to the punch. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Wondergirl?"

Rei blinked. "Does the fact you are referring to me as a partner like your mother did indicate that you wish to become one with Shinji-kun and I as well? If so, you may follow." She turned, ignoring the stunned Second Child. "You may come as well, Captain."

As Rei dragged Shinji towards his Lovely Suite to reenact the scenes from the Hentai Anime Neon Genesis Evangelion, Misato banged her head on the table, trying to figure out why this was all happening.

* * *

In his office, Gendo Ikari activated a secret panel, which slid to reveal a room dedicated to the anime in question. In several sections were items he had "liberated" from the homes of the voice actresses who had participated in the series...well, the ones who had sex scenes with the Keitaro character.

Some thought his goal with bringing on Third Impact was to be reunited with his dead wife.

Nope.

It was to recreate the world, so that he would take the role of Keitaro. "Get a restraining order on me, did they! Well, soon I will be where they can't keep me from!"

He smiled, remembering how he had stolen the Dead Sea Scrolls from the creator of the series, tricked SEELE into funding him, and even managed to hook up with the porn stars who had worked for the series. _Well, I just have to hope Asuka's not mine._

_You know, screw it! Shinji can have her and the clone of his mother. I WANT TO BE KEITARO! _

_And I will, even if I have to break him to do it._


	2. Sailor Moon Tryouts

**Sailor Moon Tryouts**

**Evangelion Edition**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

Please feel free to review, and make comments. If you find a spelling or wordage mistake, feel free to let me know. Thank you.

Also, please check out my other stories. I try to keep a constant level of dedication to all of them.

* * *

They had done it...finally.

Despite all the setbacks, the questions, the wondering if Mamoru was really Usa's Father since the girl looked nothing like him, wondering if he was capable of shooting only a few bullets since in 1000 years, the Neo-princess was still an only child...

Mamoru Chiba and Usagi Tsukino had finally wed.

But, evil takes a holiday for no dumpling headed girl.

"WAH! THE AUTHOR'S SO MEAN!"

**Quiet you, before I kill you off!**

"I'll be good."

As such, a temporary Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Kamen were needed.

Thus, Sailor Pluto looked into the Gates of Time, and after beating them with a tire iron for several hours, she learned that contestants across the multiverse would be tested.

As such, one of these tests would involve the Evangelion Universe.

So, the subjects were chosen.

For Sailor Moon candidates, we have Asuka, Rei, Maya, Ritsuko, and Misato—who brought PenPen with her and placed a crescent moon on his forehead so increase her chances of winning.

For the Tuxedo Kamen candidates, we have Shinji—much to his confusion as he specifically signed up to **not** be included, and Kaji—much to the confusion of Misato, Maya, and Ritsuko who signed up to **not** have him included.

Ah, the diplomatic prowess of redhead...who has the command of a giant robot that she can use to threaten to smash all arcades and ice cream shops before nuking the malls.

Gendo Ikari was immediately deemed a failure, as Sailor Pluto showed that all timelines he was given such powers resulted in him gaining control over the youma and using this new power to conquer the world.

And so begins the tests of the new magical duos.

* * *

**Test Case #1: Shinji and Asuka:**

Tuxedo Kamen sat on the sidelines, eating some popcorn, and watching as Sailor Moon went postal on several youma, occasionally throwing some roses to injure them when they were about to strike her, which then resulted in her brutalizing the youma more as she yelled at him.

"WORHTLESS BAKA, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP!"

Kamen just sighed. He had to do this all night with the other girls as well. "Well, at least Mr. Kaji is helping."

* * *

"Wait for it."

**Test Case #2: Misato and Kaji:**

Tuxedo Kamen was staked to the ground, several dozen youma poking him with sticks, waiting for a trap to spring, others nipping at him, wondering why the victim's life force tasted like Old Spice.

Sailor Mercury—who had been assigned to watch over this group, turned slightly green as the youma became a little more ferocious with their attacks on Kamen. "Shouldn't we help him?"

"Wark wark; wark wark wark, wark wark wark wark!" came the reply from the Moon Hot Spring Penguin. This loosely translated into, "Let the asshole suffer; he bought me cheap beer, and sent the angry one to keep the kind one from feeding me."

"Wark wark wark!" This meant, "Now get this damn sticker off my fckng head!"

"For the love of God," screamed Kamen, "get them off me! These women are ugly!"

"Wait for it," said Sailor Moon once again, as the Kamen's boxers flew into the air. "Okay, now we can go get that drink."

* * *

**Test Case #3: Ritsuko and Maya:**

"Must be something about a blond with short hair," mumbled Sailor Neptune, as she watched Sailor Moon start to smack the youma around with a bloody stop sign.

"Call me your dead wife's name in bed, huh, asshole!"

Sailor Uranus stood off to the side, cheering her on.

Tuxedo Mask sat beside Neptune, sighing. "Sempai's had a rough week and... Where did Uranus get that pineapple from?" Maya had been roped into filling some of Kaji's roles as he had been sent to a hospital after the female youma had their way with him.

Neptune sighed. "We tested some people from the Ranma universe first and... Dear God, she wouldn't—"

A loud and pain filled scream from the youma stopped her. "I can't believe she stuck it there."

"Need a light?" asked Uranus.

Neptune sighed once again as she lifted the plastic tarp to cover both her and Kamen. Youma stains were so hard to get out. "Damn Ranma Universe, who the hell makes fruit into bombs?"

* * *

**Test Case #4: Rei and Shinji:**

"So, in the name of the Moon, I have been ordered to punish them?"

"Yes, Sailor Moon," said Kamen.

"I understand," said Sailor Moon, as she calmly walked towards the growling youma.

As Sailor Moon proceeded to rip the youma apart...literally, Kamen tried to keep his lunch down, promising that he would ensure that when they got back, Rei learned of other things than simply killing Angels.

She might not have been so violent, had not Sailor Jupiter been there, cheering her on and telling her how to "properly" rip youma in half. "Careful, if you go like that, the joint will rip before the body does."

"I understand, afterwards, I will them become one with Tuxedo Kamen, as the previous Sailor Moon has."

Kamen squeaked, and then sat facing a corner, muttering about not running away.

* * *

**Test Case #5: Shinji and Misato:**

"Yeah, you're my hero, Kamen-chan!" squealed Sailor Moon, as she bounded over to him.

This caused a small flow of blood to leak out of Sailor Uranus's nose as well as Kamen's, as Sailor Moon's costume had been altered once again to allow her to display her...talents.

Luna-PenPen was enjoying the remains of the fish youma that had been crippled, hoping to get his fill before it turned to dust. After all, Sailor Moon had only crippled it by shooting it in the joints so it couldn't move, hoping her beloved Kamen-chan would take the lead and prove his strength by killing it.

He might of, had said man not had his faced buried in Sailor Moon's exposed bosom, much to the ire of the other Senshi.

Not because her actions were giving them a bad name; no. It was because some of them wished they could be in the girl's position—there was just something about Shinji that screamed stud-muffin.

* * *

The group was once again assembled, looking at the females and one male; Kaji having been sent to his home reality to receive medical attention.

Test cases #6 and #7 had gone the same way. Maya or Ritsuko took a hit—since Ritsuko's anger was gone, she had proven an easy target for the youma now—and was caught by Tuxedo Kamen who as now Shinji. The other Senshi had to step in and defeat the youma, as the Sailor Moons would not let go of Kamen.

Instead, the began to start to smother him with kisses, while one tried to outright have sex with him on the street.

Maya did apologize in her defense. It had been a long time and Shinji didn't smell like Old Spice.

"First off," said Sailor Pluto, "we would like to say we frown on Shinji's actions at each of his tests. Simply put: the defenders of Love and Justice do not eat youma like a lion off the Serengeti plains."

Shinji bowed his head. How was he supposed to know that if Sailor Moon was ever in danger, he would flip out, tear into the youma, and eat them? It wasn't like that had ever happened before or again.

* * *

In their home universe, the Fourteenth Angel slowly began his stretches, for his attempt to find the all-father.

* * *

"Now," said Sailor Venus, "while it was nice to have a Tuxedo Kamen who would fight beside us instead of spouting some stuff and running away, I'm afraid that it just won't work out with you guys as the replacements."

"So, what the hell!" cried out Asuka. "We did all that for nothing!"

Pluto smiled. "Well..."

* * *

"I am Sailor Mercury!" cried out Ritsuko.

"I am Sailor Venus!" cried out Misato, her new costume altered like the old one.

"I am Sailor Mars!" cried out Asuka, filling her character role perfectly.

"I am Sailor Jupiter!" cried out Maya.

"I am Tuxedo Kamen!" squeaked out Shinji, wondering how the hell he got himself into this mess.

"And I am Sailor Moon," said Rei in a quiet tone. "In the name of the Moon, we have been ordered to punish you."

"Wark wark wark!" came the cry from Luna-PenPen, which translated to, "Meowth, that's right!"

The Fourteenth Angel just turned around and walked away. It was too early in the morning; in his opinion, for this shit.


	3. Shinji and PenPen's Big Adventure

**Shinji and PenPen's Big Adventure**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

Please feel free to review, and make comments. If you find a spelling or wordage mistake, feel free to let me know. Thank you.

Also, please check out my other stories. I try to keep a constant level of dedication to all of them.

* * *

PenPen looked at the food provider. Once again, he was alone for the weekend. The nasty smelling place didn't need him. The angry crazy girl didn't need him, and was spending the weekend with the freckled one who loved to lift him into the air. The fluffy one was working all weekend. The pale one was not likely to come over. And the loud ones whom he called "Toji" and "Kensuke" were out of town.

So that just left him...and Shinji.

Now many would look at PenPen and simply either call PETA or go "Auuuuu!".

However, they knew little of exactly how genetically engineered he truly was. Even the fluffy one didn't, even though he had kept her from drowning in her own vomit a few times.

Shinji took pains to make him his greatest meals. Once you had marinated fish with several herbs and spices prepared lightly over a simmering flame, you sure as hell did not want to go back to tuna flavored burritos done in a microwave.

So, PenPen waddled over to Shinji, stared the boy in the eye, and spoke. "Wark!"

"Huh? Why do I need to go shower?"

Now, for those wondering, no one was really certain how Shinji could understand what PenPen said. Some said EVA forever changed his brain. Others say it is that Shinji is already crazy and was voted Most Likely to Slaughter an Invading Army, others say he's just simmering until he can get a passport and join the US Postal Service.

PenPen knew it was because every night when Shinji fell asleep, he changed the SDAT tape with "So you want to learn Penguin" language cartridges.

"Wark. Wark!"

"Road trip?"

So, after taking the time to convince Shinji to come—which consisted of relentless pecking and finally holding a gun to his SDAT and cocked to fire—the duo packed some clothes—which amazed Shinji that PenPen **had** outfits to pack—and the two went downstairs to Parking Spot A0.

Now, Shinji knew this parking spot well. Misato dreamed of having this spot. She said that it made her look perfect from any angle. Sadly, a car was always here. No one knew who owned it, but they had the proper stickers to keep it there.

Apparently, PenPen had gotten a hold of the Lotus Esprit from the James Bond movie: "The Spy Who Loved Me".

"You can drive?" he asked the penguin as they loaded up their luggage.

"Wark."

"Legally?"

The penguin didn't answer.

And they were off after Shinji uttered a quick prayer; a habit he picked up from driving with Misato.

* * *

"I told you that we were going to fast," said Shinji as the flashing lights appeared behind them.

"Wark wark, wark wark wark."

"You were not doing seventy kilometers an hour. You were doing two hundred and sixty five!"

For those not familiar with metric, this was about 165 mph.

"Wark wark wark?"

"No, I will not trade seats with you!"

"Wark?"

"NO!"

PenPen fumed, as the officer tapped on the glass.

Rolling down the window, the officer spoke, not yet looking at the driver. "Going a little fast, weren't you?"

"Wark."

The officer looked up from his ticket book. In the car, he saw a penguin in the driver's seat, and a boy in the passenger seat, and drew only one conclusion. "Son, could you step out of the car and walk a straight line?"

Yes, that's right: Shinji was obviously out for a joyride in a stolen car, and had switched places with a stolen penguin to avoid trouble.

Shinji sputtered a denial, but the officer refused to believe that a penguin was driving like a speed racer. "Sir," he said in a louder tone, "step out of the vehicle and place your hands on your head!"

So, Shinji was forced to get out, place his hands on his head, and pray that he didn't get sent to a "pound me in the ass" prison. He had enough trouble with guys saying he had a girlish appearance.

Meanwhile, PenPen watched out the corner of his eye as the cop proceeded to give Shinji a breathalyzer test. Opening a console, PenPen began to shift through the weapons he had installed on the car post-market-production.

Hmm, what to choose?

Surface to air missiles? Nah, he might see those damn snooty birds before the hit the waters.

Torpedoes? Nope. Damn killer whales always had to try and act tough. Sinking a few always made him feel better.

Surface to surface missile? Could work, but he didn't have that in the rear of the car.

Sub machine guns? Yep. We have a winner!

The cop hit the ground as the bullets tore into his squad car.

"WARK!"

Shinji saw it as his chance to avoid becoming "Ms. Prison Bitch 2015" and jumped into the car as PenPen floored it, leaving the slightly soaked officer—in his own fluids of course, not that PenPen shot him—behind the lonely stretch of highway.

Shinji just redid his seatbelt and stared at the driving penguin. "You don't have a license, do you?"

PenPen shrugged as the car went faster than it had before. "Wark."

"And insurance?" asked Shinji, having a little hope.

PenPen just smiled, before flipping open a pair of sunglasses he appeared to call from nowhere and placed them on his face. "Wark, wark wark wark."

"Well, I guess if you don't have a license, then you really don't need car insurance." He had to agree with PenPen's logic, even though the cop would soon report Shinji as a wanted felon, and just end up delaying it until next year that he would end up in prison as a bride.

Strangely, Shinji had to wonder if they'd be nicer than Asuka.

PenPen just pushed in an SDAT tape, and cranked up the speakers, playing "Highway to Hell".

* * *

Shinji was surprised as the car came out of the water and onto the California shoreline. For one, he had no idea how many gas stations there where underwater, let alone so many nice sea creatures to fill up the tank.

Though right now, he needed to find a restroom, as the crushing pressures made him using the underwater restrooms a bad idea.

That, and Shinji had learned before that unlike LCL, he couldn't breath water.

"Wark wark."

"I know I shouldn't have had that Big Gulp, but it was ten yen!"

And so, despite all normal lines of logic and reality, the duo sped off to Las Vegas.

* * *

Finally, they arrived at an expensive hotel/casino: the Luxor.

Shinji sighed. "Great, even on vacation, I can't get away from the damn pyramids."

"Wark."

"Nah, it's fine."

Shinji grabbed their bags and headed inside, after oddly enough, parking their car in a reserved spot.

He was further amazed when the people seemed to not only know PenPen, but understood him as well.

Well, the American educational system really did improve after Washington DC sunk. Without self important politicians, people actually had to deal with their own troubles. So people knowing how to speak penguin was not that odd, as they currently had Most Favored Nation status with the American Economy.

"Hello, Mr. PenPen," said the concierge. "Will you be staying here long?"

"Wark."

"Only the weekend, I see," said the clerk, checking the registry. "We have a few rooms open this moment. How many will you require?"

"Wark, wark wark."

"Ah, so the boy is your guest, I see. We do have a great double suite available?"

"Wark."

"Very good, sir. Shall we have the usual preferences set up?"

"Wark."

Shinji looked at the two. "Huh?"

"Wark wark, wark wark wark, wark."

Shinji blinked. He could now legally gamble since PenPen had diplomatic status with the Penguin Nation, as well as drink and all other amenities usually reserved for adults in Vegas.

For those who don't know, the Penguin Nation was the nation that had sprung up during Second Imapct.

As said earlier, PenPen was engineered far beyond what others thought, and that included creating a virus that genetically engineered all penguins to his level. And thus in 2006, the Penguin Nation was forged, after a short and bloody war with the Canadians.

Why did the genetically engineered penguins attack Canada when they live in the Southern Hemisphere?

Well, Second Impact, shorter commutes to the UN, and Canadian Bacon.

They never saw the end, and thus Canada fell as the Penguin Nation rose.

It was said that South America was next.

But that is not what today is about. Shinji had just gained...diplomatic immunity, and PenPen was going to make certain he took advantage of it.

* * *

Now, after a few thousand miles in a car, the first thing someone would believe you would do is sleep.

Nope, PenPen was currently popping a few caffeine pills in them and shuffling them off to the gambling tables.

"Um...I'm thirsty," said Shinji, still not used to this lifestyle like apparently Misato's "pet" was.

"Wark?"

"Um, some tea would be nice."

"Wark?"

"Long Island Ice Tea? I've never had that blend."

He never saw the evil smirk on his benefactor's face.

* * *

Now few things ever surprised the genetically engineered penguin. After all, he had seen Angels and EVAs, as well as the stuff Misato keeps under a secret floorboard under her futon that she believes no one knows about.

He still had no idea how she got the Sub-Commander to pose for those shots.

But he was seeing what had to be a miracle. Shinji was currently up a little over one hundred million US Dollars. The kid was winning at everything. Put him in front of slot machines, and he'd pick a winner every time.

Blackjack, he always beat the dealer, and rarely tied.

Poker, he never had less than a full house.

The kid was Rainman.

Of course, he was also very drunk and had just goosed three women.

Of course, the $10,000 chip as a tip eased those problems.

PenPen motioned for one of the trusted guards of the hotel, wanting to see what else they could do. "Wark?"

The guard thought for a moment. "Hmm, a group calling themselves SEELE just reserved the private gaming room. They might let you in, they seem like the rich snooty type. Of course, we'll have to ensure that they won't renege on their debts. Do you think you'll have enough to enter?"

"And Mr. Ikari wins again with a Royal Flush!"

PenPen just smiled.

Now, despite their best efforts, SEELE was well known to the Penguin Nation.

Of course, this was countered by the fact that hardly anyone knew that Canada no longer existed, but you take what you can get.

Safe to say, the Penguin Nation hated anything named after one of their hated enemies, even if the name was from another language.

So, if these guys were some sort of secret rich group hell-bent on remaking the world in their desired image, which was what their spies told them—dolphins work so cheaply—then PenPen would forever secure the prosperity of his adopted homeland.

"Hey, PenPen," Shinji slurred, "what does this deed mean, and what the hell is a Luxor?"

Smiling, the penguin motioned for the bouncer to escort them to the high stakes game.

* * *

Shinji slowly came to the next morning. He was half on a bed, his head touching the floor, and a massive kink in his back. His mouth tasted like he had tried Misato's Pot Luck Dinner again. His head felt like he had been headbutting Angels without the aid of an EVA, and his stomach growled at how empty it was.

"Wark wark?"

Shinji opened an eye, seeing the image of an upside down penguin in front of him. "I feel like shit, and why are you upside down?"

"Wark."

Shinji sighed. Of course, the likely answer **was** that he was hanging off the bed upside down. "What did I do last night?"

PenPen then went on to explain how Shinji had spent the night consuming glass after glass of Long Island Ice Tea, which was now explained to contain liquor, and relatively little in the way of actual tea.

Then he explained how Shinji was apparently a gambling god when plastered. This was then elaborated into him winning the casino, and bankrupting several old geezers calling themselves SEELE.

It also included what else Shinji had won.

"I...own...EVAs?"

Yes, Shinji had just won the MP EVAs SEELE was producing, and they were now being shipped to the Penguin Nation for further updating.

Lousy humans still hadn't figured out CDs yet, let alone DVDs.

He had also bankrupted the old farts, and thus now had full control over Project E as well as all funding issues dealing with NERV.

* * *

In the Geo-front, a shiver went down the back of the Anti-Dad of the Year winner since 2000.

* * *

"So...exactly what all do I own now?" he asked, trying to stagger over to the shower.

PenPen went on to explain how there was a new nation called Shinjuku, which was made up of all the territories that SEELE had controlled.

This included all of Africa, a good bit of the eastern bloc of Europe, most of Russia, and several bits of Asia.

Shinji blinked. "Anything else I should know?"

"Wark wark," said PenPen, looking nervous, "wark wark; wark."

"And what; exactly, is the Indian Mafia?"

The Indian Mafia rose in what remained of India after Second Impact. They like their predecessors, was more violent and efficient than the previous. The fact that they had several contracts with SEELE that Shinji would be expected to fulfill mattered little to them.

You don't fuck with the Indian Mafia.

Shinji just shook his head. "Only to me..." He turned to face his apparent diplomatic attaché to the Penguin Nation as well as Ambassador to Shinjuku. "Now, what do we do today, and no more gambling or drinking.

* * *

We now get to see a series of photos.

The first is Shinji dressed as Mr. Spock and PenPen dressed as Captain Kirk from the first Star Trek, having visited the Star Trek Experience, as even Trekkies survive like cockroaches.

Shinji did point out that PenPen's toupee was illogical.

The second photo was from the later series. Shinji was done in full Klingon makeup, as well as battle dress, while PenPen was a Ferengi.

The third photo was at a lounge where Star Trek karaoke was being performed.

Yes, Shinji was drinking again.

The fourth picture was Shinji and PenPen singing a Klingon love opera...in tune.

The fifth picture was the duo still in costume outside the Star Trek Chapel, with a girl and penguin dressed as Orion slave girls, including the green skin paint.

Why a penguin would paint itself green was a mystery, but many suspected it had to deal with the issues she had with her father.

The sixth picture showed the two males in dress suits as PenPen proceeded to "neuralize" the two girls.

They were that smart, folks. Penguins In Black, don't fuck with 'em.

And so, the second day continued.

* * *

Shinji woke back up with pain lancing through his head. Opening his eyes slightly, he saw PenPen was tied up and in front of him. "Let me guess, a drink called a Jolly Rancher also contains large amounts of alcohol?"

"Wark, wark."

"No, I have not decided if I will be President for Life for Shinjuku. And why the hell did I name my country Shinjuku?"

"Wark?"

"Why shouldn't I believe you'd have an answer?"

"Ah, so you're awake now," came a heavily accented Indian accent.

PenPen sighed. "Wark wark, wark."

Shinji paled. They had been captured by the Indian Mafia. "Um, why are they pissed at me?"

"Because you told the Maharaja to "go fuck a cold antelope", and then proceeded to piss in his gas tank after killing his guard with a bat'leth." The guards then proceeded to lift Shinji and PenPen up.

Shinji paled. He had killed? He had pissed in a gas tank? He knew how to use a bat'leth?

_So...cooooool!_

Yes, the vacation was finally giving Shinji some self-confidence.

* * *

"Tell me," said the Maharaja, pulling one of his women towards the group, "you see this red dot on her forehead, yes?" Seeing them nod, he continued. "Does this dot have the words "fucking moron's wife" anywhere near it?"

The two shook their heads.

"Now," he said, his Indian accent thick as all of his guards had been, "I will try and remain calm. I am a fair man, so I think merely killing you after five hours of torture is fair, don't you agree?"

Now, the threat of pain caused old depressed Shinji to return. "I understand, sir."

The Maharaja nodded. "Very very good, now, if you'll be so kind as to sign over your country."

Shinji nodded. "Um, I can't sir, I'm still tied up."

Nodding, the Maharaja ordered his guards to cut them loose.

Fortunately, this was what PenPen had been waiting for. Quickly, he leapt into the air, bouncing around the room, his beak thrusting through eyes, as he disabled the guards.

Shinji hit the floor, not wanting to die, absently wondering why his body had green paint smudged in very weird places, when he caught sight of a bottle on Indian Spirits.

Going for broke, he downed it all in one chug.

Soon, Drunken Shinji had awoken once again, the alcohol fueling his berserk fury. Grabbing a bat'leth that was conveniently left out, he charged into the fray. "Today is a good day to die!" he screamed in Klingon.

* * *

Quickly, the two were escorted by the Penguin Nation Delta Force, which decided to play off the deaths of a Maharaja in the Indian Mafia as a gang turf battle with the local American gangs.

Hell, it wasn't their country. All that mattered was that Shinji wasn't in trouble with the Indian Mafia as far as they were concerned, and PenPen had finally been able to enjoy his License to Kill.

Shinji didn't like his picture that was just taken for his. He looked...doped.

Sighing, Shinji just headed over to the limousine. "Let's go get some sleep, we have to head home tomorrow."

"Wark, wark!" PenPen followed, carrying a bag of what trophies the Delta Force would allow him to keep of his kills.

Now, where could he get those eyes preserved at this time of night?

* * *

Shinji sighed as he ate the breakfast buffet at the...his...hotel/casino. His weekend was fun, but he killed people!

Sure, it was either them or him, but he did start it.

"Wark?"

"I killed people."

"Wark wark."

"Diplomatic immunity doesn't make me feel better."

Sighing again, Shinji took the plates to the kitchen, surprising the staff, and proceeded to clean them. "Man, I'll be glad school starts back up tomorrow in Japan."

"Um, sir," said one cook, "you do realize Japan is on the other side of the International Dateline. It's already Monday there."

Shinji just blinked, before letting the stress get to him again, and he passed out.

* * *

"How did you forget that?" screamed Shinji.

"Wark wark wark."

"Well," he admitted, "I guess Misato wouldn't be around enough to know you were still gone."

"Wark."

"Well then, how do we get back? NERV will have me chained to EVA for this!"

"Wark, wark wark wark."

"Delorean?"

* * *

Over the Nevada desert, a bright flash occurred, as a flying car sped off towards the ocean. With his car being sent back via next day express postal services from the Penguin Nation, PenPen was showing Shinji exactly why they didn't need roads.

After placing a call to the Penguin Nation Delta Force to save themselves from the Indian Mafia, PenPen set the car for automatic pilot for Tokyo-3.

Sometimes, it was good to be king.

* * *

Misato cussed once again as another car had somehow taken over Space A0 in the parking lot. "DAMN IT!" she screamed. "Why does this stuff always happen to me?"

As she entered the apartment, she saw Shinji just sleeping on the couch. "Well, I wish my weekend was like yours. God, I wish I could lounge around all weekend." Sitting down near the couch, she turned on the TV.

"**In world news, the Penguin Nation formalized diplomatic relations with the new multi-continental country of Shinjuku, led by current President for Life: Shinji Ikari. When asked how he feels about UN outrage that he has declared his country a dictatorship, Mr. Ikari responded by saying; "Fuck off you sissy asshole or PenPen here will bust a cap in your bitch honkie ass. Skeet-skeet-skeet."**

Misato blinked, before shutting off the television. "Definitely need more sleep."

Across town, two girls were watching the television while Asuka got ready to head home, when that story came up.

Needless to say, the redhead would not be waking up for some time.


	4. Shinji and PenPen’s Bogus Journey

**Shinji and PenPen's Bogus Journey**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

Please feel free to review, and make comments. If you find a spelling or wordage mistake, feel free to let me know. Thank you.

Also, please check out my other stories. I try to keep a constant level of dedication to all of them.

* * *

Shinji slowly woke to the real world, ending another fun dream where he was popular, confident, and for some unknown reason, always nude.

At least no one was rude enough to point that out for him.

Getting up and grabbing his bathing supplies, he opened the door, hearing the usual sound he heard from PenPen.

"Wark."

"Morning," said Shinji before yawning, thus missing the fact that there was in fact two penguins on either side of the door, dressed in modified Canadian Mounties uniforms, with miniature assault weapons at their sides.

Said penguins followed behind Shinji, also missing observance, as Shinji opened the bathroom door.

As it shut, said penguins assumed guard position before the door, waiting for their charge to return.

"Damn it," sighed Shinji, "why do I have green paint on my body for?

"And how did I get it on **that?**"

Ah, the drunken mind once again was showing the loss of short term memory.

Luckily for him, a reminder was soon to come to him.

* * *

Misato slowly pulled herself from her bed, an amazing sight since it was actually at a respectable time, sad because she had fallen asleep a little over fourteen hours ago.

But then, seeing your introverted charge telling the UN to basically kiss his ass or he'd have PenPen "put a cap in theirs" did tend to deliver strong shocks to the system.

As she opened her door, she got yet another shock...namely, two penguins in red uniforms pointing their guns at her.

So, doing what any military-trained individual would do, she screamed.

This caused Shinji to quickly race out of the bathroom to see the problem, forgetting the fact that he was currently trying to understand why his naughty bits were green. "What's going on?"

Now, we are not here to declare that Misato is a bit...slow, dumb, a perfect example of a stereotypical blond if not for the fact she looks like Shampoo's child from the Ranma ½ series, and given her sense of direction in Episode 1, daughter of Ryoga Hibiki.

Her mind is very quick, and functions at light speed...when a prime teasing moment is presented. "Shinji-kun, did you have sex with a green woman?"

"Hey, we got divorced!"

Seeing as how this new bit of information: that her introverted charge had had both sex, and divorced a woman that he had apparently secretly married; did not compute, Misato was currently trying to avoid mental Blue Screen.

"Besides, I didn't know the ceremony was real, I was drunk!"

And thus, Misato XP shut down, causing her to pass out on the one penguin that had been guarding her room.

Shinji, however, could not be concerned about this, as Misato's little joke had ended up rebooting his own memory files...all of them...from the moment he left there for Vegas until him and PenPen returned in the Delorean.

Suffice to say...Shinji was going to need a drink soon.

* * *

He was learning lots of new things today.

For one, Shinji had no idea a genetically modified hot spring penguin could cook.

But, apparently the Penguin Nation had sent a full diplomatic contingent to help Shinji, while they personally cleaned out all loyalists to the former SEELE group.

Well, not like anyone would miss those 234,862 people in the morning.

Of course, they had only sent two dozen to watch over Shinji, as they had to first get the former Canadian Embassy in Tokyo-3 livable first.

It still pissed them off a bit that Tokyo-3 wasn't even a decade old, and yet, that damned maple leaf was still flying over the empty embassy.

But, luckily it was next to the Chile embassy, which was now part of the Penguin Nation as of midnight.

Got to love democracy where a penguin is more trustworthy to run a government than a human.

This was the moment PenPen exited his own room. "Wark wark, wark."

"Mr. President?"

You see, the Penguin Nation had already gone through with Drunken Shinji's plan to be President for Life in Shinjuku. As such, they had begun to formalize diplomatic ties, send in their military to help force out loyalists, set up a new capital in Cairo—they felt they needed to keep the pyramid motif—as well as an assortment of other things they were certain would piss off the UN.

Why did they hate the UN? Let's just say the UN's refusal to stop over-fishing had really pissed off the wrong people.

"Wark, wark wark wark, wark wark."

Shinji blinked. "But...shouldn't I be in the country to rule it?"

"Wark wark."

Shinji nodded. As long as he sat on the Committee of the Penguin Nation, he could run things from outside the country. "Well, at least I can still get my education."

PenPen nodded. They sure as hell didn't want an idiot in charge of nearly ¼ the planet. Enough of them were running the USA.

Well, maybe not for long. Vote Penguin in 2016!

So, the day progressed, as the two discuss the new MP-EVAs Shinji now owned, their updates, plans for the new capital, and things they could do to piss off the UN.

Of course, as all good meetings go, they must end as the cruel boss arrives and decided which of you is the weakest link, thus sending them out why he tells you of his or her plans to terminate that person.

"Shinji," Misato said through clenched teeth—mainly because one of the penguins had the barrel of his automatic weapon in a very sensitive place that never sees the sun, "what's going on?"

Shinji blinked, remembering that he had fallen asleep when he had gotten back, and hadn't told Misato yet.

Given the fact that there were currently twenty four penguins inside the apartment and currently seven of them constructing a connection between the one next door for an impromptu Command Office for the Great Land of Shinjuku, he seriously doubted he could lie out of this.

The truth? Maybe that was just crazy enough to work. After all, he had lived it, and even **he** didn't believe it. "Um...PenPen took me to Vegas and now after a weekend bender, I'm in charge of a good bit of the world."

Misato blinked. She knew Shinji was a horrible liar, so he might be telling the truth.

Of course, that meant that they had ignored her and not even invited her for this trip to Vegas. "And why wasn't I invited?"

"You had to work and said you could absolutely positively not get out of it."

"No excuse, I expect to be invited on your next trip to Vegas!"

"Wark wark?"

Shinji shook his head. "Nah, maybe next month. I don't think we should show ourselves around there for a while."

PenPen nodded. After all, the gang violence would drop by that time after the Indian Mafia took them out in retribution for what Shinji had done.

"Wark wark?"

"Monte Carlo?"

Shinji thought about it. The weekend trip had been enjoyable. "Misato, can we go to Monte Carlo this weekend?"

Said woman was currently unavailable due to what she had witnessed. After all, if Shinji could talk to PenPen, what else did he know?

Once again, Misato XP was frozen, and no one was around to hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete.

Well, Shinji could, but Misato might be upset for him touching her there...or tease him more, one of those.

Kaji might, but he was currently playing spy in what remained of Kyoto.

Shinji sighed, grabbing the lunch that had been prepared for him, and left in the motorcade provided by his new country.

_Man, I just wanted a normal day!_

* * *

Said day was steadily about to get worse, as Gendo Ikari received word of a new change in management over Project E.

As he sat fuming in his office that the old men had been replaced, he began to formulate a response to it. After all, he needed complete information on this new project head.

_One man is all that is keeping me from my goals. This fool doesn't know who he's messing with._

Sadly, he didn't know that said fool did know who he was messing with, and that the Penguin Nation had a very complete file on Gendo Ikari.

The man never did figure out who had reported that he still owed that library fine from seventh grade.

It was then that a nervous Sub Commander Fuyutsuki entered his office. "Um, we know who's now in charge of Project E."

"Well," Gendo growled out.

* * *

In the control room, the bridge bunnies and Dr. Akagi hummed along, doing work, before...

"**WWHHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT?**"

They all turned towards where Gendo's office was...which was thirteen floors straight up.

Maya gulped. "That can't be good."

Makoto sighed, and immediately began sending out his resumes to other job possibilities. When the boss screams like that, it's about the day before you find yourself unemployed and doing things on street corners to survive.

And let's face it; Makoto Hyuga just isn't cute enough to earn that much.

Shigeru Aoba could, but he had a band and was currently using the MAGI to hack into a record company to steal the lyrics for the next Linkin' Park CD. _Soon, N2 will be the newest singing sensation!_

Yep, nothing to worry about here folks.

* * *

Things had appeared normal at the junior high the pilots of NERV—and pretty much every other junior high student in the town due to low population density—attended.

Rei being quiet and slightly scary with a look that promised no mercy when she finally snapped? Check.

Toji and Kensuke selling pictures of Asuka for small amounts of yen to people who even Akane Tendo couldn't have beaten a clue into? Check.

Shinji Ikari arriving in a limo and being escorted by several armed penguins?

This was new.

"See!" yelled one student. "I told you Commander Ikari wasn't his father! It must be Oswald Cobblepot!"

"Dude, Batman is fake!"

The truth was that while Batman was fake, Cobblepot was real, as he was the head scientist who had genetically engineered the penguins.

To thank him, they stuffed him into a temporal vortex and shot his ass to another world where he did in fact become the Penguin.

Like they were going to be stupid enough to leave the guy who could stop them all, hanging around.

Finally, Shinji was escorted to his classroom, where several penguins took positions to secure him from assault and check the other students as they entered.

A weird one constantly calling him "El Presidente" and dressed in a green shirt, camo-pants, wearing a red bandana around his forehead, and smoking a broken cigarette, took position near the teacher's desk.

The fact that this penguin was constantly playing with a bowie knife did make Shinji a bit worried for the teacher's safety.

But then again, this teacher also failed Shinji for a test he couldn't make due to being in the hospital once again for piloting Unit 01.

"Oh well," said the neo-dictator, as he decided to check what was packed in his lunch.

Most of the food looked normal, and exactly what Shinji would have cooked...had he had the funds, the free time, and the necessary cooking pots that were not currently under decon procedures from Misato's last meal.

Of course, one thing threw him off. "President Shinji Ikari's Finest Vodka?"

That's right, folks. When he took over major areas in the Eastern Block, he took over more than a few distilleries. As such, the PN changed a few to further promote the new dictator of the country.

Of course, not only how they got Shinji's image of him holding the bottle, let alone got it bottled and sent to Japan for his lunch further confused the boy.

But since he did travel back in time to be home before he was late, he accepted this event.

Besides, he never knew when the vodka would come in handy. "I hope I'm not becoming an alcoholic?"

"BAKA! Where are you?"

And like that, the universe tried to restore balance. After all, a happy Shinji meant someone else had to be unhappy...even if they were deserving of it.

Luckily, several of his detail had their weapons trained at the angry redhead, and one had it trained on the quiet pigtailed freckled girl beside her, as both were given a quick inspection for weapons. "What did you do, Third Child?" she asked, gritting her teeth.

Shinji sighed, as depressed Shinji began to take over once again. "I went out with PenPen for the weekend, ended up in Las Vegas, won a poker game against some old men calling themselves SEELE, and ended up owning about ¼ the planet."

"A likely story," she spat.

This of course, earned her a slap from the South American Freedom Fighter penguin named Juan.

As none of you can understand Penguin, I shall translate what he said.

"How dare you insult El Presidente! Fetch me a metal box spring, a water hose, handcuffs, and an electric generator with battery cables."

Shinji paled. "NO TORTURING!"

"Wark?"

"NO!"

Juan sighed. He never got to torture anyone anymore.

Luckily, a nice girl was there to pet the distraught penguin. Of course, if she knew **why** he was distraught, she might think differently.

But the character was of no real consequence to this story, so Juan might get his wish after all.

Isn't it great when things work out...for the important characters?

"Ikari-san," said Hikari, "was the news report last night true about you being a new dictator?"

Shinji blinked, turning to his personal assistant penguin. "Was there a news report?"

Said penguin, named Pauline, nodded, before showing Shinji a video recording that was made of it.

Paling once again, Shinji slowly turned towards Hikari. He couldn't deny it; he'd seen himself say those words, remembered waving his .45 Magnum around the press conference. "Um...I guess so."

"Are you hiring?"

After all the humans currently in the class room recovered from their face-fault—except for Rei, who was currently being scanned by several penguins trying to get an accurate reading off her—Shinji replied. "Huh?"

You see, Hikari was never one to miss an opportunity—unless Toji and her own feelings were involved. Seeing a chance to get on the ground floor of a new and up-in-coming empire, she decided to throw her hat into the ring with Shinji.

After all, he couldn't be a bad dictator. He didn't look like the type to order random executions and behead people for joy.

Of course, she had yet to meet drunken Klingon Shinji either.

"Um...do you know Penguin?"

"No, but I can learn."

Shinji turned towards Pauline. "Have her receive the necessary training and such."

"Wark. Wark?"

Shinji blinked. "Well, we do need to design the uniforms first."

Asuka was just staring, not moving. Maybe she was overcome by the fact she was being ignored? Maybe it was because Shinji had become a powerful figure in the world?

As she sank to the ground, most people decided it had to do with the dart in her neck more than anything.

"Ikari-kun?"

The two humans and one penguin personal assistant turned towards the albino. "Yes, Ayanami?"

"Does this mean you are also in control over Project E and NERV?"

Shinji blinked, before turning to his Magic 8-ball: Pauline.

"Wark wark wark, wark wark. Wark; wark wark wark, wark wark. Wark wark: wark."

"Ah, that makes perfect sense," said Shinji. Turning back to Rei, he nodded. "That's correct."

Rei nodded, before heading towards her seat once again. _I will...enjoy...working for my new boss._

_Perhaps I will have to fulfill the same duties Dr. Akagi does for the Commander?_

And thus class began, since Toji and Kensuke had arrived too late to question Shinji.

* * *

Gendo was pissed.

Gendo was scared.

Pace, Gendo, pace.

"How the fuck could this happen, Sensei?" asked Gendo, as he flicked away one spent cigarette butt and began to light another. "How did the Third Child accomplish this? It's not in either the scenario or the scrolls."

Kozo just sighed as he checked his retirement account on Gendo's computer, making certain that he could afford early retirement. "No clue. Section 2 lost track of the boy...again, on Friday, after he left the apartment with Col. Katsuragi's penguin."

"I want them executed for failure to maintain vigil on the Third Child."

Kozo ignored him, as he saw that yes; he could live very well in Tokyo-2, and began looking for a possible apartment.

On the bright side, he'd never have to worry about those pictures Misato took of him and of the...incident...ever again.

"Just so you know," said Kozo, after he checked an e-mail alert he just received—throwing out the first forty that promised greater sexual stamina, "he also has all nine of the MP EVAs and is having them shipped here in one week."

Gendo blinked. "Damn."

"It gets better," continued Kozo. "His country also purchased Units 03 and 04 and they're being shipped here as well."

"But we haven't even had the Twelfth Angel arrive yet!" he yelled.

Kozo smiled. "Well, looks like the Thirteenth will have to find another way in."

* * *

In what remained of Tokyo-Disney, a forty-meter tall statue of Mickey Mouse opened its eyes, glowing red.

Fortunately for us, the statue couldn't move, and since no one visited Tokyo-Disney anymore, no one would ever face the Thirteenth Angel.

* * *

A group of old men that had formerly controlled the world under the name of SEELE stood in an empty room, before hearing a warden's voice speak up.

"Okay, maggots; welcome to OZ."

Happily, no one cared if these men were gang raped in prison.

* * *

"And we have received no word from the old men who **formerly** ran things," said Kozo, after setting up a meeting to view a nice apartment in the retiree district of Tokyo-2.

Gendo sighed, sitting heavily in his chair. "Well, let's decide on who will be the pilots."

Taking tea from his own personal assistant, Gendo and Kozo began combing through the class roster of Shinji's school for eleven pilots.

What Gendo and everyone else had failed to notice was the fact that said assistant was a penguin in a very bad costume, who worked for the PN and kept tabs on every move Gendo made.

Yes folks; they are that good, but these people are that stupid.

* * *

In a base formerly owned by SEELE, Kaoru Nagisa was standing before heavily reinforced steel doors, facing the street, holding a pink piece of paper.

"I am...fired?"

The Angel formerly known as Tabris would be there for a while, trying to figure that out.

* * *

Shinji slowly walked towards his limo that would escort him to the Geo-front. It wasn't so much that classes had been rough on him—Juan had stabbed one of the teachers for once again insulting Shinji—but the fact that others were bothering him.

"Can I be a pilot for one of your new EVAs? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?"

One of these others...was Kensuke.

Screaming to the heavens, Shinji opened what remained of his lunch, found the unopened bottle of his apparently own personal style of vodka, and proceeded to down it at a speed that would have impressed most fraternities and Misato.

"Fine then, ya lil' bastard," slurred Shinji. "You can pilot 04, Toji's on 03."

"What?" screamed the boy in question. "Why should I pilot?"

"Hikari said you would."

Toji turned towards the class rep, who was now sporting the military uniform of Shinjuku's noble armed forces. "That is correct, Pilot Suzuhara. You wished to defend the world and represent the great nation of Shinjuku, so you are now being given the chance.

"This information was given to me by your little sister, as she was being transferred to the Penguin Nation for final treatments for her injuries. She is expected to return tomorrow at one o'clock PM, assuming no wind resistance."

Toji paled, before lowering his head, saluting, and walking towards the limo to head to NERV for training, beside the happy Kensuke.

Asuka was being wheeled into the limo, as the drug she had been shot with was now paralyzing her body.

She should have thought better than trying to assault Shinjuku's beloved dictator.

Rei walked silently beside Shinji. "Ikari-kun, will my duties be the same as those required by the Commander from Dr. Akagi?"

Shinji stood up, blinking, as he got into the limo. "What are those Rei?"

* * *

_One minute later..._

"Way to go, Shinji!"

"Shoot the perverted traitors!"

"Wark!"

"Damn it, no one is getting killed today!"

* * *

Shinji sat beside PenPen in a meeting room, both mirroring the pose used by Gendo Ikari.

"The vodka was nice."

"Wark."

"Can you get them to make a bat'leth for Unit 01?"

"Wark. Wark?"

"No, alcohol will not be needed for the LCL mixture."

"Wark wark?"

"I have not yet decided what to do with Rei's proposal."

"Wark?"

"She does have a hot body, but that has nothing to do with it."

"Wark."

"Yes, I am relatively certain she would hold it against me if I asked or ordered. However, we have bigger matters to discuss."

"Wark?"

"Yes, Monte Carlo is best at this time. I declare this meeting adjourned and that we should have a discussion on it at the bar."

So, they left, thus missing the arrival of Gendo and Kozo. "Well," said the Commander of NERV, "it appears they are late."

* * *


	5. Mighty Morphing EVA Rangers Part 1

**Mighty Morphing EVA Rangers Part 1  
**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

Please feel free to review, and make comments. If you find a spelling or wordage mistake, feel free to let me know. Thank you.

Also, please check out my other stories. I try to keep a constant level of dedication to all of them.

* * *

It was a dull day inside the Command Center for Alpha-5. He had been at his post for 10,000 years, diligently monitoring the scanners, keeping Zordon company, polishing the Zords, and making certain this bastion of good did not fall.

Of course, 9,999 years ago, there hadn't been one day he didn't file several requests to be transferred. Zordon was a bore, a pain in the ass, and essentially useless; as he read advice off fortune cookies.

Add to that the facts that Second Impact had occurred, things called Angels were attacking a city, and they had yet to mobilize to stop them.

"Fucking moron," muttered Alpha-5, earning him another shock of electricity his egomaniacal roommate occasionally decided to give; often when the little robot was cursing said roommate's existence.

Soon, the alarms went off, and Alpha ran to the sensors. It was something new, and by God, it meant less time he had to listen to Zordon drone on and on about how good a lay some higher being called Lilith was, and how much an asshole her brother, Adam, was.

"Zordon, Rita Repulsa has escaped!"

The floating head paled; an amazing feat since it was already white. "FUCK! We need to assemble Power Rangers. Find me teenagers with attitude and easily impressed as well as controlled."

Alpha sighed. Zordon had been like this ever since he had dumped Rita because, "she's a fish in bed, and was always wanting to control me; claiming she loved me and wanted marriage."

Sometimes, Alpha wondered if Zordon really was afraid of commitment, or just was intent on getting laid as often as he could.

Fortunately, Rita had put him in that extra-dimensional prison, so Alpha didn't have to make anymore excuses when Zordon went on booty-calls and never called them back.

"Fucking planet's under attack by his fuck buddy; we do nothing," muttered Alpha. "But when his ex climbs out of a trashcan he stuffed her and her family; all of the sudden, we need to save the world.

"Fucking moron."

**ZAP!**

Alpha-5 is currently offline at the moment. Please call back later.

* * *

Rita stared into her telescope at Tokyo-3. _How dare that white skinned bitch try and crush the world!_

_That's my job!_

Rita was what we termed a "dejected girlfriend" after her breakup and imprisonment from Zordon.

After all, how sane would you be after being locked away in a half-full trashcan for 10,000 years with only your family for company?

But; what happens in the Tab can, stays in the Tab can.

"So, Lilith thinks she can get a city destroyed better than me?" she asked no one in particular, as those who were not already building up their forces were cleaning the castle she had recently bought off E-bay.

"_**For sale: one moon castle. Last owners died 10,000 years ago due to bitchy possessed redhead. Perfect for up-in-coming rulers of the solar system. ¥10,000,000,000 or best offer."**_

So, she waited until she had assembled her new monsters to attack Tokyo-3, get into that hole called a Geo-Front, bitch-slap Lilith like she was a crack-baby in LA, and teach Zordon that absolutely no one dumped Rita Repulsa at her prom.

Goldar sighed as he swept up another pile of dust. She really needed to get out more.

Hell if he'd date her though.

* * *

Shinji sighed once again, wondering if the robot would return his SDAT. However, since said robot had wondered away, whimpering about abusive charges and trying to make him DC when he preferred AC, Shinji doubted he see it ever again.

Today had been weird, to say the least. Misato had been sober since she woke up. Granted, that was at noon, but still a miracle.

Asuka hadn't beaten him yet.

Rei had worn a different outfit; at least that was what he thought, until she blew the sakura petal off her sleeve, before entering class once again in her school uniform.

Toji and Kensuke had not said one perverted thing all day.

Hikari had not yelled.

It was a weird day, and he should have long since realized that that was when shit went down.

So, it was a shock when a small robot came into the class, pointed at them, and informed them that they had been selected to stop a floating head's ex before she ruined the world.

"You're about fifteen years too late, tin can."

As Alpha electrocuted Asuka—which was coincidentally missed by Section 2 since Gendo's budget cuts had basically left them with a Kid's Meal spy glass to keep watch on the children, and their van now replaced with a bicycle, they had no means of watching them during a rain storm—he decided that he rather liked frying people, and decided he would work on a way to fry Zordon.

So, after informing their teacher that the six were being abducted by an old man who needed shot, the teacher excused the six, writing in the ledger that they had been taking for Gendo Ikari.

Soon, they were teleported to see a big floating head before them.

"Great," muttered Toji, remembering the movie Hikari had dragged him to see last week. "The leader is the freaking Wizard of Oz."

Soon, Toji joined Asuka on the floor, as Zordon did not like that reference.

"Children," said Zordon, causing the two electrocuted members to wake up, "you have been chosen to defend the planet against the evil forces of Rita Repulsa!"

"Is she the one sending the Angels?" asked Kensuke.

"No," said Zordon, glad Alpha wasn't here to blow the fact that Zordon's current girlfriend's brother was doing that. They might take it wrong. "She is a force of darkness that wishes to conquer the world."

"So she's Asuka's mother," said Toji, earning him a punch into the control station from said evil.

"As such," continued Zordon, ignoring the fact that one Ranger-to-be was beating up the others, "I have chosen you to be Power Rangers, to save the planet."

"Can't we use the EVAs?" asked Shinji, not wanting another job protecting the world. He didn't even want the one he had now.

"NO!" yelled out Zordon. The last thing he wanted his current girlfriend to be upset with was him using her toys to fight someone other than her brother. "We will provide you with armor, weapons, and Zords."

"Zoids?" asked Kensuke.

"No, you idiot," said Zordon. "Zords. Do you want use to be sued here? Besides, do you know how much I'd have to spend to have a Zoid shipped here? I ain't paying that fucking much for this planet, I can tell you that."

The military otaku sighed. He really wanted a Zoid, almost as much as an EVA. But, he'd have to settle for a Zord. _Sounds like a cheap knock-ff to me._

"About damn time someone recognized my greatness," said Asuka, tiring of beating on Toji. Since Hikari often fixed him up faster than she tore him apart, he had long since lost the new-beat-down smell.

Kensuke, on the other hand...

"What do you mean, Asuka?" asked Shinji.

"Well, they must have decided I am the best and placed me to be the next Red Ranger!"

"What's so good about being the Red Ranger?" asked Shinji.

"They're always the leader!" gasped Asuka. "Haven't you watched your anime and kids' action shows?"

Shinji started to cry. How could she understand that he had been forced to watch Barney and other numbing shows before he came to Tokyo-3? No one deserved to know such horrors.

"So, which color are we?" asked Hikari.

"Rei will become the Green Ranger, controlling the Dragonzord."

Rei gave a small smile. At least she wasn't inside anything red; she hated red. Perhaps, the weapons she received would finally allow her to kill the Second Child and become one with Shinji.

Sadly, no one had yet to inform Rei that wishing for something bad to happen to someone did not ensure something would. But sadly, Gendo had not taught her how to kill to get what she wanted, fearful that the thing stopping her would be him at some point.

"Toji will be the Black Ranger, controlling the mighty Mastodon!"

Sighing, Hikari looked at him. "It's a big elephant with huge tusks."

"Oh."

"Hikari will be the Yellow Ranger, controlling the wild Saber-tooth Tiger."

Hikari smiled. She always liked cats.

Somewhere, Maya felt like she had been seriously gypped.

"Kensuke will become the Blue Ranger, controlling the wise Triceratops."

Kensuke smiled. He always did love blue, and girls loved a man in uniform. Maybe he'd even get a date.

Somewhere, Misato felt a chill go down her back, before sitting up and removing the beer can from the couch cushions. "So that's where you ran off to."

"Asuka will be the Pink Ranger, and control the majestic Pterodactyl."

"WHAT?" screamed said redhead. "I'm supposed to be the boss, asshole. And why do I get the weak little pansy Zord for?"

Soon, Asuka was back on the floor. Zordon did not like being questioned.

Shinji, on the other hand, was quickly looking for exits. "I quit!" he yelled. He knew there was only one Ranger left, and he didn't want to be the leader. The leader couldn't run away, or take time off, and was always the first one attacked by the forces of evil.

It was his secret reason for hating EVA. He piloted Unit 01, which meant he was the first out, the first attacked, and the first sent to that damn hospital that always insisted he needed to have his colon checked for cancer.

"Sorry, but no quitting," said Zordon. "What would the women think if you give up now?"

"Uh ... I'm gay," said Shinji weakly, hoping it would work.

It didn't. "Good, we can use that to help make your public image better. Imagine, the world saved by a team led by a gay boy. The press will eat it up!"

Shinji sat down crying. Why didn't things ever work out for him?

Somewhere, the Fifth Child/Seventeenth Angel smiled, wondering why his life felt better now.

"Finally, Shinji," said Zordon, "you will be the Red Ranger, Leader of the Power Rangers, and control the angry and very violent, often berserk, Tyrannosaurus Rex."

_My God, I just received another Unit 01!_

Alpha patted the small boy on his shoulders. "It could be worse; you could be stuck here helping Zordon."

Sadly, the two were now on the floor twitching from Zordon's latest assault on their free speech, as Alpha conducted current very well.

* * *

The children were soon taken to the Zord bay to see their new Zords.

Rei smiled as she saw her Dragonzord, and looked over to Asuka's Zord. "Mine is bigger than yours," she said with great satisfaction.

"Damn it, I'm supposed to be the Red Ranger, not baka-Shinji!"

Alpha would have instructed them more, but he was showing Kensuke everything he had downloaded. It appeared that both robot and military otaku had a thing for furries.

Toji would have brought this up, had Hikari not dragged him over to her Zord to have her way with him.

Shinji sighed as he looked at his Zord. "Please don't eat me."

In Angel Grove, six kids wondered why they felt as if destiny was flipping them off.

* * *

"DRAGONZORD!"

"MASTODON!"

"PTERODACTYL!"

"TRICERATOPS!"

"SABER-TOOTH TIGER!"

"TYRANNOSAURUS!"

The six Power Rangers stood before a pink and orange monster made from a school textbook.

Pink sighed. "Why are the monsters such weird looking fucking things?"

Red sighed as well. "At least the Zords work against them, or do I need to remind everyone where the last Angel shoved our Power Sword?"

Everyone nodded uncomfortably.

Black growled. "All this because a floating head couldn't even leave a damn Dear John letter!"

They were about to charge, when the creature was killed by the Dragonzord stepping on it.

"It is dead," said the quiet voice of Green. "May we return to class now?"

"MAGIC STAFF; MAKE MY MONSTER GROW!"

"DAMN IT!" screamed Pink. "Why does she do that every fucking time! Has it ever worked before!"

Yellow nodded. "Maybe she needs night classes, or perhaps we can sign her up for a dating service."

Black nodded. "See? Some girls really do just need to get laid."

And thus, Black received one of Pink's arrows to the groin. "PERVERT NO BAKA!"

* * *

Zordon smiled as his Rangers dispatched yet another one of Rita's monsters.

Using his mental controls, since Alpha had decided one again to talk about using the Zords to fight the Angels—resulting in another shock—he changed the viewing globe back to the Spice Channel, and grabbed his phone. "Hey, Lilith? Do you feel like hooking up tonight, boo?"


	6. The Unbeatable Angel Part 1

**The Unbeatable Angel Part 1**

**A NGE/Club-to-Death Angel Dokuro-chan fusion**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

"Class, we have a new student today. Miss, please introduce yourself."

Shinji looked up, barely acknowledging anything. It had been a rough few days since the last Angel attack. Asuka was being her usual self ... which meant Shinji was sporting two new slaps, lack of sleep from doing all the chores, and a sore ankle from PenPen demanding food since Misato had forgot to feed him ... again. He was just looking forward to a few boring weeks.

Add to that the fact that Dr. Akagi had been having Misato slip some mood stabilizing drugs into his meals, and you had a pretty calm Shinji. After all, it would kill the precious scenario if the boy actually did have the insight to kill himself.

He wasn't going to get that day off.

"Nice to meet you!" cried out the new girl. "My name's Mitsukai Dokuro! Please call me Dokuro-chan!"

Shinji looked at the girl. She had pale blue hair like Rei's, done in what were called "puppy-dog ears", with emerald green eyes, plus a ... halo ... over her head? _Why do I feel an impending sense of doom?_

"Right now, I will be moving in with my fiancé; Ikari Shinji-kun," she said, blushing, as the males in the class directed a death glare to the Third Child.

"Huh?" said Shinji. _Since when am I engaged?_

* * *

Section-2 was watching over the secret cameras in the classroom.

"Since when is the Third Child engaged to someone?" asked one guy.

"Better to that sweet and innocent girl than the redhead."

"Agreed, but you know Ikari isn't going to like this."

* * *

"All right," said the Teacher, finally showing some concern as some of the males were starting to pop their knuckles as they slowly advanced on the Third Child. "Settle down. Dokuro-chan's parents are currently traveling through the north as part of some sort of foreign military unit, so she's going through a lot."

Shinji nodded. _Her parents must be part of the UN Forces._

The blue haired girl continued. "My favorite foods are dorayaki, red Vienna sausage, and mayonnaise. My favorite type of guy is one who doesn't watch Kouhaku at the end of the year, but is the one who continues to watch other competing television programs. I am 153 cm. tall, and from the top; my three sizes are 85, 52, and 81."

Asuka began to growl, as the girl's measurements—as she understood the conversion between metric and English measurements—were better than her own, thus endangering her position as the hottest girl in school.

"As you've just heard," stated the teacher, "Dokuro-chan has a great body. I'll be looking forward to gym class."

The girls in the class scooted away from the pervert teacher.

"Man," whined Toji, "how did Ikari get engaged to such a hot girl."

"Better her than the Devil," muttered Kensuke, not wanting to be attacked by said girl.

"Now, regarding Dokuro-chan's seat..."

"Excuse me, Sensei," Dokuro interrupted. "I don't know much about this school yet; so is it alright if I sit next to Shinji-kun?"

The murderous glares of his fellow students once again descended on Shinji.

"Excuse me," said Hikari. "I believe it is the job of the Class Representative to look after new transfer students."

Dokuro gasped, as she whipped out a large spiked bat, before she began to twirl it. "Pipiru piru piru pipiru pi!"

Hikari's form glowed in an array of colors, before it dispersed, leaving the Class Representative as ... a monkey ... who immediately set about attacking Toji.

"GET THE CLASS REP OFF ME!"

"No way!" yelled Kensuke. "Monkeys fling their shit if they get angry!"

"Oh," said the teacher, ignoring the fact that both the Class Representative had been turned into a screaming monkey, but also that said monkey was tearing into Toji. "I've been meaning to ask, Dokuro-chan. What is that ring you have above your head?"

"Oh, this is an Angel's halo. I'm an angel, you see."

"Oh," said the teacher. "Does this mean you will soon be destroying the city?"

"No, those aren't Angels; those are just genetic creations from a long dead race to create life. They always fall asleep when you say the phrase: Quixilplix!"

Rei, who had been about to ask Shinji how he was engaged to an Angel, immediately fell asleep at her desk. But since Rei never paid attention in class, no one noticed or cared to wake her up.

"Did everyone hear that?" asked the teacher, speaking over Hikari's roar as she continued to rip into Toji. "It seems Dokuro-chan is a real angel, and not a genetic creation trying to remove all life from this planet, or the other "Angels" as NERV calls them. Just because she's an Angel, you shouldn't make her feel left out while she's here."

"Okay, Sensei," said the rest of the class ... well, those who were not monkeys, getting beaten by monkeys, or glaring at said Angel for having a better body.

Shinji, however, did not respond. Sure, he had heard it, but he was wondering how he got engaged to an Angel. He thought it had to be his mother, as he really couldn't see his father doing this.

Now if she had horns and a pitchfork, then he might see Gendo trying it.

"So anyway, Sensei; since the Class Representative has turned into a monkey, I'll sit next to Ikari-kun."

"I guess so; there's nothing we can do about it if she's a monkey."

Giggling, she turned to Shinji. "I'll be counting on you, Shinji-kun!"

"You can't be alone with that baka!" yelled Asuka, finally getting her mind wrapped around what was going on. If Shinji lived with a fiancée, then the fiancée would have more power to order him around than Asuka. That couldn't be allowed. "He'll do perverted things to you in your sleep."

"No I won't!" yelled Shinji, standing up.

This was perhaps the worst thing he could have done, as defending himself is usually like asking the Universe to just "beat on him" some more. In this case, the flailing Toji who was still trying to dislodge the neo-primate Class Representative from his body; collided with Shinji, sending him stumbling down the isle between the chairs, and face first into Dokuro's chest.

Dokuro glowed a golden glow, before she ripped out her bat again. "HENTAI! EXCALIBORG!"

Asuka laughed a bit, until the fine red mist that had once been Shinji Ikari coated her and the rest of the class.

Rei continued to sleep, licking her lips. "I hate meat," she muttered.

"Pipiru piru piru pipiru pi!"

* * *

"What do you mean the Third Child is engaged to an Angel?" yelled Gendo. He was currently standing before Unit 01 with Dr. Akagi and the current head of Section-2.

"She had the proper paperwork filed, and claims the supposed "Angels" we are fighting are nothing more than "genetic creations by the White Moon Project on a planet fourteen galaxies away from here who hoped to create life". She also said that all of the White Moon Projects as well as Black Moon Projects could be put to sleep for quick disposal by saying a certain word to them."

"And that word is?" asked Ritsuko, not believing it could be that simple.

"Quixilplix," said the man.

Sadly, the man should not have been standing as close as he had been to Unit 01 when he said those words, as Unit 01 immediately fell forward, knocking the man into the wall, as it started to snore.

This might have been a good thing, as it prevented him from having to tell Gendo that said Angel had also reduced the Third Child to a fine mist, before magically restoring him to life.

Gendo was stabilizing himself with one arm, as his hand that had been implanted with Adam suddenly went numb. "Mental note; don't say that word inside an Eva bay."

* * *

Shinji just wanted this day to end. First he found out he was engaged to a real Angel, and not the aliens that he was forced to fight to protect the planet; but a real Angel. Then said Angel turned the Class Rep into a monkey who pissed on him during lunch. This was followed by him getting knocked into the well-developed chest of his fiancée, causing her to use a spiked bat on him and kill him, before she resurrected him.

And to make matters worse, not one person in the class seemed to care that she had killed him. They were more upset that he was engaged to her.

Except for Rei; she just seemed to sleep most of the day, until he woke her up after school was over. She had no idea she had been so tired.

"She has the same hair color as Rei," he muttered. "I wonder if they're related."

This is when he made his next mistake of the day. You see, since he assumed it was his room, he assumed that no one else would be in there. After all, neither Misato nor Asuka would change clothes in his room. So he felt no fear as he opened the door to enter his room.

So, opening his door, he did not to expect to find anyone in there.

What he found was a topless Dokuro-chan, in the midst of changing.

They stared at each other for a few seconds. In this time, he could only think of one thing. _They look better than Ayanami's._

"NOOOOOOOO!" cried the girl, as she produced her famous bat once again and separated Shinji's head from his shoulders.

She opened her eyes, her cheeks still flushed with embarrassment at Shinji walking in on her as she was preparing to remove her panties, to see the blood covered walls, floor, ceiling, herself, and the twitching corpse of Shinji Ikari on the floor. "Oh no! Pipiru piru piru pipiru pi!"

* * *

"So," teased Misato, already slightly buzzed as Shinji began to cook, "you're my little Shinji's fiancée?"

Dokuro-chan nodded happily. "It all started back so many years ago, when me and Shinji walked along the beach."

"I've never met you before today," added Shinji, having to correct the girl occasionally on her "remembrance" of the past.

"We had spent the whole day swimming in the ocean, building sand castles."

"I can't swim."

"We met again later that year in grade school, both of our moms walking us that important first day."

"My mom was dead before grade school."

"And on those monkey bars, we made a promise on those magical memories to always be together."

"Once again, I've never seen you before today."

"And our fathers agreed to join our families through our marriage."

"My father hates my guts. He'd rather engage me to a lemming."

"Wark."

"Sorry, but my father feels you're too good for me, PenPen."

"That's so sweet," cried Misato, believing the girl's story over Shinji. "WAH! My little Shin-chan's all grown up!"

Sighing and lowering his head, Shinji continued to stir the soup. "This is all some weird hallucination."

"God damn it," muttered Asuka, coming into the dining area fresh from her shower, still wrapped in a towel. "I had to wash my hair ten times to get Hikari's crap out of my hair." She walked into the kitchen, looking at Dokuro-chan. "What is **she** doing here?"

"She's Shinji's fiancée of course," said Misato. "Why wouldn't she want to spend time with Shinji?"

"She moved into my room," said Shinji. "I had no say in the matter."

"Well, grow a spine, baka, and kick her out."

"WAH!" cried Dokuro-chan, launching across the room and glomping onto Shinji, nearly making him burn himself on the stove. "How could you throw away our love, Shinji? We have so much history!"

"We've just met today," said Shinji. "And you've killed me twice."

"But I brought you back," she said, clutching his arm. "Doesn't that count?"

"Not really," said Shinji, as he continued to prepare dinner.

"Ah; and how did she kill you Shinji?" teased Misato.

"Like this," smiled Dokuro-chan.

Soon, Misato learned that Shinji had not been exaggerating or hinting at "the little death" when he told her what Dokuro-chan had done.

"Pipiru piru piru pipiru pi!"

* * *

"I thought I asked you not to do that anymore," said Shinji.

Dokuro-chan played with her fingers. "I forgot."

"You killed me!" screamed Shinji. "How could you forget someone asking you not to kill them?"

"I was working on keeping that promise we made so long ago."

"We never made any promise that long ago," said Shinji. "In fact, we just met today, and you killed me three times so far."

Taking a deep breath, Shinji turned to her, holding her by her shoulders. "I want you to promise me that you will not kill me or anyone else anymore. This also includes turning them into animals."

"Well..." fumbled Dokuro-chan, as she played with her fingers.

"And I want you to turn Hikari back to normal the next time you see her."

"Well..."

"Now, do you promise?"

"I promise on all our memories of that night so long ago."

Twitching, Shinji began to gather his clothes for bed. "I've never met you before today."

"Knock, knock," said Misato, barging into the room. "Now, remember, Shinji," teased Misato, the extra two beers she had to calm her nerves from seeing Shinji splattered all over the wall being enough to make her no longer care if her charge was being attacked, "no funny business in bed with your cute fiancée."

"Eh?" gasped the two.

Giggling, Misato waved her finger at them. "I know how touchy-feely kids your age can get."

"T-t-t-touchy-feely?" gasped Dokuro-chan, as she turned back to face Shinji.

Sadly, Shinji had raised his arm to try and get Misato to stop teasing both him and the girl with the very deadly bat. Which sadly lead to his open hand grasping her breast as she turned to confront him to see if he was touchy-feely.

As time stood still, Shinji could only think of one thing other than his quickly approaching death.

_They feel firmer than Ayanami's._

"BAKA HENTAI!" screamed Dokuro-chan, as Shinji quickly became red paint for his wall.

Asuka caught the tail end of it, coming to try and convince Dokuro-chan not to stay with a pervert like Shinji. Smiling, she nodded to herself as she went to her room. "I like this girl.

"I wonder if she can get me a bat like that."

"Pipiru piru piru pipiru pi!"


	7. Gendo's Need Part 1

**Gendo's Need Part 1**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

Shinji felt a headache coming on.

Now it wasn't your normal headache most people get for one reason or another. Those weren't too bad for the last blood male Ikari.

No; these were the headaches he got when he knew his father had just done something stupid.

And we aren't talking about "I just got these real cheap off an infomercial" stupid.

We are talking "the World Court is now in session" stupid.

And it all started because of the binder Misato had given him as they entered the Geo-Front.

_NERV. God is in his heaven, and all is right with the world. _"My father's in charge, isn't he?"

"Of course, he—"

"Oh God, not another damn cult!"

Misato could only blink. "What do you mean 'not another damn cult'?"

Shinji sighed. "Most people look for new friends, enjoy a night on the town, or have some ice cream, if they feel depressed. My father gets involved with cults."

"Really?" Misato asked, thinking it was all a joke.

"He's been linked to ten of them, started seven."

"Well I can assure you Shinji that NERV is not a cult. The Angels are very real."

He could only look at her with a disbelieving stare. "He had an entire city convinced he was the wielder of the Seven Dragonballs and that he had summoned the Eternal Dragon."

She could only gape. "What?"

"It was all done with holograms run by some down-on-his-luck Hollywood special effects man.

"And that's not even the worst. The worst was this cult he made before I was even born. He got these people together and took them to Antarctica. Called it 'the Worshippers of Adam'."

Misato paled.

"Yeah; had promised them that they were going on some spaceship to leave humanity behind, or some shit like that. I'm still not certain how he melted all that ice. My money's on a nuclear bomb with thermal shielding being lowered into that active volcano they discovered before it happened."

Misato was starting to freak out. Ritsuko had told her one time that maybe her father had been there to protect her and humanity from Adam, somewhat of a 'major action' to prove himself in his daughter's eyes.

And now she learns the whole Katsuragi Expedition was a cult!

Shinji waved his hand in front of her. "Man; just what I needed, another cult-head."

* * *

Ritsuko could only stare as Shinji continued to lead the catatonic Misato around like a seeing-eye dog. "What did you tell her?"

"Just some of the idiotic and illegal activities my father was involved in," said Shinji. "So; what's your position in this cult?"

"We are not a cult," she growled out. "I am the chairperson of Project E, Technical Department Division 1; Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. I work with the Evangelions, which we use to fight the Angels."

Shinji nodded. "In other words, you're sleeping with my dad."

"THAT HAS NOTHING TO... I mean, what gives you that idea?"

Shinji sighed. "Great; so what does my father want to do with me this time? Character witness? Be some holy prophet? Dress up as Son Goku? Maybe I'm supposed to be the holy groom of some girl he's duped into helping him?"

* * *

In the Medical Bay, a certain pale-skinned girl sneezed, before she cringed in pain.

* * *

"God help him if it involves a fuku," growled Shinji. "I am not dressing up for some fucking Sailor Moon cult again. That pink hair dye stayed in for weeks, and those red contacts had people throwing what they said was holy water, on me. But Holy Water doesn't smell like cheap vodka."

"Shinji?"

"Oh; and we had those damn pedophiles, asking if I'd like to see the 'dark side of their moons'; fucking bastard."

"Shinji?"

"Then there was that time he was going to have me be Jesus Christ and walk on water. I can't even fucking swim and the jackass expected me to walk across a god-damned lake in the middle of the rainy season!"

"SHINJI!" screamed Ritsuko.

"What?" he asked.

Misato just looked around. "How'd I get here? Rits? You won't believe this weird dream I had."

Rubbing her head, Ritsuko continued on to the Eva-bay. She wasn't getting paid enough for this.

* * *

"This is mankind's greatest weapon against the Angels. The biomechanical fighting machine; Evangelion Unit 01!" proclaimed Ritsuko. "Still think this is some fucking cult?"

Shinji shrugged. "His last cult had three N2 bombs and a device that could create tsunamis. The fact he managed to build a robot this time doesn't change anything."

"Hello, son."

The group arched their heads upwards, spotting Gendo Ikari standing before an observation window.

Shinji sighed. "Great; he's in 'I'm your new God' mode." He turned back to his father. "You're off the medication again, aren't you?"

"I do not require any."

"You expect me to believe this is all real?"

"I am working for the UN."

"The UN as in United Nations based in Neo-Berlin, or UN as in something you just made up?"

"... That does not matter."

Misato, Ritsuko, and the assembled support crew could only blink.

Shinji just sighed again. "And why are we fighting these ... Angels?"

"To prevent the end of humanity."

"That's new," said Shinji. "Usually; your cults are trying to wipe us out."

"I do not know what you are talking about?"

"Does the incident the UN called Second Impact ring any bells, Servant of Adam?"

"That was a false calling, this is real."

"NOOOOOO!" cried Misato. "My daddy couldn't have brought me into a cult!"

Everyone ignored the crying cult-baby.

"You will pilot Unit 01 and defeat the Angel," said Gendo.

Shinji looked at him with lidded eyes. "And this is a real Angel, not some machine you cooked up to keep your job?"

"I don't know what you are insinuating."

"Let me remind you then. YOU HAD ME PILOT A DAMN GOJIRA (Godzilla for the uninitiated) TO ATTACK TOKYO WHEN I WAS THREE!"

Misato stopped crying, as did everyone else, as Shinji's statement. They all remembered the footage of a real Gojira attacking what remained of Old Tokyo. "Shinji," said Ritsuko, "why did he do that?"

Shinji sighed. "He wanted control of his own base of scantily clad women, and formed a cult based on the idea that he and he alone could defeat them.

"You have no idea how traumatic it was. Every time I pushed a button marked 'EXIT', the only thing the button actually did was to have Gojira attack. And every damn button was marked 'EXIT'."

"I still recall no such event."

"You recall the beating Mother gave you for almost sterilizing me because you were too cheap to pay for effective radiation shielding?"

"... Yui never could understand me."

* * *

In the Bridge, the group could only stare as their beloved (cough-won't die-cough) leader slowly proved his madness.

Fuyutsuki sighed. "Yui; I warned you he was nuts."

Maya gulped. "Are we really in a cult?"

Shigeru shrugged. "Do cults give you a paycheck?"

"You get paid?" said Makoto in amazement.

The other two techs and the Sub-Commander turned to face the lone bridge bunny. "Of course we do," said Fuyutsuki. "We are still a sanctioned UN organization. We follow the UN charter."

Makoto nodded.

"If you aren't getting paid, Makoto," started Maya, "then why do you work here?"

Makoto stood straight at attention, surprising the others. "I have sworn to serve the High Priest of Lilith; Gendo Ikari, All-Master of the World, in gratitude for his granting of my wish to be wed to the woman promised to me!"

Fuyutsuki sighed. "You do realize that Gendo doesn't have the power to marry anyone?"

Makoto started to cry, pulling out a picture—computer-generated of course—of his and Misato's wedding day. "But it has to be real."

Shigeru wanted to give his crazy friend some hope. "Look at it this way, man; at least you didn't follow some stupid order like 'all male members must be eunuchs' or something like that."

Makoto sunk to his knees, balling his eyes out. "He promised they'd be returned after Lilith ascended the world!"

The others could only stare at Fuyutsuki.

Finding himself sighing once again, he walked to the Commander's Station. "I'll call the UN and ask he be relieved of duty. Maybe they can do something for Makoto as well."

"Yeah," said Shigeru, "like transfer his ball-less ass."

* * *

Up above this all, Sachiel sighed as he continued to tear apart the city.

He had been a kind Angel, never wanting to cause bloodshed.

Of course, try explaining that to his old man. For the last fifteen years, all that the commonality that all Angels shared, was filled with the rantings of the All-Father for his fallen disciple.

Adam had offered the Lilim ultimate power.

And the fool threw it away for a few million yen in life insurance policies on his team, as well as to hide his relationship with a visiting scientist; Soryu-something. Add to that the rants of the disciple complaining about "not getting his desired bride of purple locks", and the bastard had tried to wipe them all out with a single bomb.

So to shut their father up, the Angels decided they would track down this Lilim and crush him, if for nothing else than to have some peace and quiet.

"Gendo Ikari; get your ass out here right now!" bellowed the green monster.

Too bad he didn't develop vocal cords that could speak Japanese. It would have saved everyone a lot of trouble.

* * *

Gendo stared as hard as he could at his son. Why was he resisting him? Did he not know his place in this new world? Did he not know of all the sacrifices Gendo had made for him? Hell, he had even lined up two half-sisters so that a new Master Race could be born.

_Perhaps I should have summoned Soryu here as well. Too bad Rei is so banged up. He'd do it for some eye-candy._

_Hmm; perhaps I should offer him Misato and Ritsuko. They are well formed. Yes; that is my will. So shall it be done._

But before he could make the decree that would have had his current and former wanted lovers trying to kill him, Shinji sighed. "I'll do it. But I swear to God that if I crack this thing open and a guy falls out; I'm putting a bullet in your head.

"Even if it's real; you're going back on your medication."

"I do not need them."

Shinji sighed as Ritsuko lead him to get ready to pilot Unit 01. "Someone shoot him," he muttered.


	8. Gendo's Need Part 2

**Gendo's Need Part 2**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

Shinji slowly felt himself awakening, wondering how he had ended up here. Normally if he passed out, his father would have drugged him, had him programmed to follow orders, use the plot out, and ditch him before the authorities could arrive to silence the cult. 

The lack of fuzziness usually associated with his father's ... help; he could only conclude that he had only been asleep for a day.

_What happened? The last thing I remember was carving that Angel-thing like a turkey, followed by trying to crack open that red globe. I mean, it was the only place left for the old bastard to have stuck someone human to keep this charade going._

It was that day Shinji learned that the only thing inside the red globes were not people, but very big bangs.

It was also then that Shinji realized there was something very warm on his right side. _If that bastard sold me as a sex toy one more time..._

As he slowly moved his head over, he spotted a mop of light blue hair, a single red eye focused on him, the other under a bandage. "Um ... hello?"

"Hello, Shinji," said the girl. "My name is Rei Ayanami, and I have been informed that I am to be your wife, as desired by the High Priest of Lilith."

Shinji could only blink. "My father wants us to be married."

"That is correct."

"Why?"

"Because we are to issue forth a new breed of humanity who shall inherit the Earth."

"Oh," said Shinji, as he slowly turned his head. _First thing I am doing as soon as I can; I will have to kill him now. There is no longer any question of that._

"Shall we become one now?" asked the girl.

"Um ... how about after we are both medically fit for that sort of thing?" asked the virgin boy trying not to be drawn into his father's new cult.

"That is acceptable. Recent medical tests have shown I will be ovulating at the expected time that my injuries have healed. We may try then."

"T-t-that's good," stumbled Shinji. **_DEAD!_**

* * *

"As you can see," said Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki as he stood before the meeting of the Instrumentality Commission, "We have been seriously duped by a very good con man."

"Are you saying," said Chairman Keele, "that all of Ikari's resume and promises are lies?"

"That is exactly what I am saying." He offered another document. "Reports from talks with the Third Child have indicated he truly believes Gendo may have in fact started Second Impact."

"I see," said Russia's representative. "We shall need to deliberate on what you have brought to us."

"Is there anything else to add?" asked the French representative.

"Only that we have located a total of seventeen men at our facility that Gendo somehow convinced to get castrated as part of his cult plans. It seems as if not even a third of the facility knows it is a cult."

"Very well," said the British representative, crossing his legs at the mention of the c-word; castrate, not cult.

As Fuyutsuki left, the room shifted from five men to the twelve obelisks of the members of SEELE.

"I told you guys hiring Ikari was a DEE-dee-dee move," said SEELE VIII.

"Now is not the time to quote long dead comedians," said SEELE II.

"Who said I wasn't Carlos Mencia?"

"The fact your comedic timing sucks and your jokes died during Second Impact," said SEELE I. "Now we have more important matters than what we all saw on reruns for Comedy Central. How did we miss this data on Ikari?"

"Beats me."

"No idea."

"Not my job to do background checks."

If the obelisks could sweat-drop, SEELE I would have developed one.

* * *

"But I don't wanna be a cult baby!" whined Misato.

Ritsuko sighed, wondering if she would be able to requisition a gun quickly enough to silence Misato. Ever since Shinji had released proof to them of what really happened in Antarctica, Misato had been whining non-stop. "You know, for someone who's always hated her father, you sure are whining a lot about having proof he really was worthless."

"I know, Rits," said Misato, sighing. "But I figured that if anyone could, you would be able to understand where I'm coming from."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?" asked the bleach blond scientist.

"Well, considering your mom worked for him; that would make you a cult baby too."

Ritsuko paused in her anger, as the thoughts Misato had stirred slowly began to filter through.

Naoko Akagi worked for Gendo Ikari.

The woman seemed to like him.

Was this a cult, even then? Was the name change to hide from the law?

"Misato?"

"Yes?"

"I need a drink."

* * *

Inside his office, the leader of this mess stared on. So far, his day was far from perfect. 

His second in command had betrayed him, revealing a few ... discrepancies ... he had made on his resume. Then his faithful servant on the Bridge had 'demanded' his 'equipment' back.

_As if he has earned Lilith's favor enough to regain such a petty thing._

And his son had yet to fulfill his destiny and take Rei. If he wasn't going to do that, then why did he make his sweet and caring father do all this?

"Perhaps he truly is waiting until she is healed," he wondered. "After all, it would confuse him if I suddenly replaced her with Rei III."

The man turned away from the door, wondering what to do. "I may need to summon the Second Wif...I mean, Second Child earlier than planned. Shinji must be made to see and follow the role I have determined for him ... with Lilith's help, of course. After all, this is all for her."

Even the lone potted plant in the room didn't buy that.

* * *

In Neo-Berlin, situated on top of the small Geo-front that housed the NERV facility there, stood a vast temple, dedicated to their Goddess.

Unlike in Tokyo-3, here, the cult was more open. People accepted it as law.

Of course, that could have more to do with the 'Temple of Doom' like attitude and ceremonies.

"You have really upset me, Mr. Kaji," said the angry redheaded priestess of said-temple. "How could you cheat on me?"

"WE AREN'T DATING!" yelled the bound man.

"Yes we are."

"No we aren't!"

Asuka smiled. "Contradicting your priestess. Now we'll have to add blasphemy to your charges."

"Shit."

As the girl began to chant, reaching to extract his heart like she had seen in a pre-impact movie, a screen began to be revealed on the wall behind her.

"_Asuka!"_

"Eep," said the girl, quickly turning around from her execution. "Um ... may I help you, oh honored High Priest of Lilith?"

"_What are you doing?"_

"Punishing him."

"_Why?"_

"Because he slept with another woman, while he was dating me."

"WE'RE NOT DATING! SAVE ME, HIGH PRIEST!" True, he didn't actually believe Gendo's hype for a moment. But when a 14 yo. girl has you strapped down to an alter and is about to extract your heart by any means possible, you tend to be open to anyone's help.

Gendo sighed. _"Asuka, you can't kill your guardians."_

"Fine," huffed the girl. "What do you want anyway?"

"_You are to come to Tokyo-3 immediately."_

"Why?"

"_Because the Third Child has arrived, and I have decreed you will marry him."_

"Is he cute?" asked Asuka. "Cuter then Kaji?"

"_How the hell would I know,"_ said Gendo. _"I'm straight."_

"I'm not coming if he isn't cuter than Kaji," said Asuka.

"_You will come or I will excommunicate you by Lilith's order."_

Asuka paled, as she looked over her loyal followers. Seeing them grin while sharpening some knifes, loading their guns, and cocking a few arrows, she had to wonder if perhaps she had been a bit too rough in her rule. "Um, should I pack anything?"

* * *

"Morning class," said the teacher. "We have a new student today. Please introduce yourself."

Sighing, he started the same speech his first lawyer had prepared for him. "My name is Shinji Ikari. Though I am ashamed to admit it, my father is Gendo Ikari. No, I cannot be named as a defendant in any lawsuit against him. No, I am not responsible if he had your parents killed, commit suicide, commit treason, slaughter your pets, blow up your city, smash you with giant robots, or anything and everything dealing with his usual cult activities. If you have any questions, please contact my lawyer at this number," finished the boy, writing the number on the board. "Thank you."

"Um..." began the teacher, looking at the boy, and wondering why he got all the crazies in his class. If it hadn't been for the boy explaining this to him beforehand, he would have kicked the kid out for making up such a thing.

It really is amazing what having a lawyer with you when you arrive at a new school can allow you to accomplish.

"Yes, Mr. Aida," he said, finally finding his voice.

"If we join his cult, can we pilot those Evangelions?" asked the hyper-active military fanboy.

Shinji slumped forward. "No comment; and all further questions can be directed to my lawyer." _Maybe I should just change my name and be done with it. I hear Russia is a great place to grow up._

* * *

Shamshel flew towards the island of Japan, taking his turn at finding the betrayer and silencing him.

Of course, his siblings just had to be their usual selves, and muck up his intro into the world.

"I will get them for making me look like a damn futuristic dildo," he muttered in Angel.

Yes folks, Shamshel did not want to come to Earth looking like a sex toy. No, he wanted to look mean, angry, deadly, and be able to speak human—which he felt would have saved his other brother the painful ass-whooping that he had received.

But no, the siblings just had to be pricks—no pun intended—and completely mess up his incarnation.

So now he had no mouth, no way to communicate with the Lilim to get them to just hand over the one who had betrayed Adam, and would most likely be shown on TV with a blur over his image as he too was beaten into slush by the Lilim's weapon.

"I wonder if I can use these whip things to get them to understand?"

* * *

Shinji sighed once again as the man who was apparently the class's tough-guy stood before him, blaming him for his sister being hurt during the battle.

But in Shinji's defense, as he explained it to Toji, how was he to know it was an actual monster and not some sap his father hired so he could keep his job.

Toji didn't accept that. "Like that'll make her feel better."

"Like my life is better," said Shinji, dodging the punch from the other boy. Being related to Gendo "the whack-job" Ikari meant one had to be able to fight for his life at times. "You have any idea how many people think they can get him for what he did, through me?" asked Shinji.

"Um, according to your lawyer," said Kensuke, "I think he said the last count was 1,372 arrests, 937 convictions, and the rest still pending in court."

Toji blinked. "What?"

"This is what you get for missing my first day," said Shinji, as he removed his shirt, showing several scars. "Bullet wound three years ago with this one. This long one was a katana cut; old man drove the guy so mad, he thought he was a shogun. Oh this one, that's where I got tasered by a group who was a counter-cult to my old man's then current cult..."

The two boys were saved from the explanation of the rest of the scars as Shinji's phone rang.

* * *

"Are we certain this is a monster and not some patchwork thing my father made?" asked Shinji, looking at the picture of the incoming Angel, as they prepared to launch Unit 01.

"For the last time, yes!" yelled out Ritsuko. She was in a foul mood, both from her constant drinking after work—thanks in no small part to Misato pointing out that they were both cult-babies—resulting in her current hangover, and the fact that even she had to wonder if it was a real Angel and not some sick perverted monster created to draw attention away from Gendo.

Makoto just continued to cry on his console, the Angel reminding him once again of what he gave up for the cult.

"Fine," muttered Shinji.

"Be careful my husband," said Rei, still injured.

The group looked between the girl—except for Makoto who was still crying about 'no longer being a true man for his love'—and Shinji.

"Okay," said Misato. "Rei, when did you get married to Shinji?"

"UNIT 01, LAUNCH!" yelled Shinji, definitely not wanting to be involved in this conversation.

* * *

Shinji sighed as he sat down on the couch back at the apartment. "At least I didn't get blown up today," he muttered, opening one of Misato's beers, and taking a drink.

Oh he had done well against the Angel, until it had tried to cut him into Eva-sized Sushi.

But to Shamshel's defense, he had thought he had been doing pretty well at sign language, considering he only had two whips.

Then Shinji had ended up tossed onto the hill, spotting the two boys from earlier.

"I find it kinda stupid that a kid whose sister was hurt for not being in one of the emergency shelters did the same damn thing," he muttered, as PenPen entered and sat beside him.

After being forced to let them in; and thus hear Kensuke constantly ask to join the cult and pilot, he attacked the Angel and was able to kill the core without having everything turn very painful.

Afterwards, he hit the emergency eject for his plug and ran away before he could be found and questioned about his new marriage.

"Man, this day sucked."

"Damn right."

Shinji blinked, before slowly turning towards the hot water penguin beside him, and then glancing down at his beer. "I choose to believe I am drunk and hallucinating. The penguin did not talk, and I am not going crazy."

Shinji kept muttering that as he left the room, grabbing several more beers from the fridge as he went into his room and shut the door.

PenPen looked at the door, before taking another sip of his beer. "Pussy."


	9. Gendo's Need Part 3

**Gendo's Need Part 3**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

Gendo stood at the runway, waiting for the arrival of the Second Wif...er...Child, as well as Evangelion Unit 02.

He had even brought a flower for her; the Eva, not Asuka. Kyoko always did ask him to bring them to her just once. Granted, they were now dust inside a box—he wasn't going to pay for new flowers when he had the ones he had bough her over a decade ago just sitting at home—but it was the thought that counted. Right?

But he did notice one thing about the jet that was landing that was missing, namely a giant red Adam-copy. "I told her to bring two things; herself and the Eva. How could she screw that up?

"So like her mother," he sighed, as he headed towards the plane.

"Hello, my adoring public!" cried the redheaded pilot, as she popped out of the plane, smiling. "It is I; the High Priestess of Neo-Berlin, Asuka... Where the fuck is everyone?"

"This is not a public meeting," said Gendo.

"I was promised paparazzi!"

"I made no such promise," said Gendo, glaring at her in his 'Unhappy God Pose #8'. "I told you to come and bring the Evangelion. Why did you not do so?"

"No public?" she whined.

"WHERE IS IT?" he screamed, standing before her.

"Eep," she said, backing up a bit. "I left the damn thing behind. Every time I sit in it, I smell this weird funky perfume. Stuff makes me sick, so I left the damn thing behind."

Gendo continued to glare, changing his pose to #11. He remembered the perfume she was talking about, it was Kyoko's favorite ... he thought. Then again, it could have been the stench of the labs the woman always worked in. She never was one for cleanliness, thus explaining how they hadn't been able to find a condom the night Asuka was conceived. _At least she tricked that fool she married into believing it was his._ "I need the Eva for the Service of Lilith."

"So?"

"What do you mean 'So'?"

"Why should I care?"

"If we do not serve Lilith, we are against her," said Gendo, leaning over slightly to look more intimidating to his pawn. "And those against Lilith are removed." He finished by patting his pocket. Sure, it was just a Pez dispenser, but she didn't know that.

Asuka gulped, assuming he was saying that he was about ready to put a bullet between her adorable eyes. "Um ... we could send for it?"

"No, you will return to Neo-Berlin and escort it back here personally." He paused for a bit, wanting to punish the child, but not delay her too long. Rei was having a hard time getting Shinji to do his duty to Lilith. _Really, it's like the boy's afraid of her or something. How could I have raised such a pansy child that won't tap some ass when he's supposed to?_

He was of course conveniently forgetting the facts surrounding Shinji's life.

"You will escort it here by sea."

"But salt water is terrible for my hair!" whined the priestess.

"So is lead," he said, patting his side once again.

"Um ... maybe I better go ensure our faithful followers can have it here in top condition myself?"

"That would be for the best in Lilith's eyes." He started to turn, before pausing. "Where is your guardian?"

"Um..."

* * *

_In the Temple of Doom...I mean, the Temple of Lilith at Neo-Berlin..._

"Helga shall teach you to listen to your Mistress," said the huge German woman, at 7'8", 350 pounds, and very little fat on her, slapped her whip against her side. She had been personally handpicked by Priestess Asuka herself, to ensure this worm learned his proper place at her Priestess's feet.

Kaji would have cried out for help, if he wasn't currently bound to an X-frame, with a ball-gag in his mouth.

"And so you know, Helga will take her time. It has been far too long since I have been with a specimen such as yourself."

* * *

"He's ... taking care of some things back in Germany," said a paler Asuka.

"Have him return with you," said Gendo. _Perhaps I can use him to further my plans with Misato. That or maybe fuck with them...I mean, or some other plans that Lilith wishes me to pursue._

* * *

In Japan, one usually lived in the home of their family, a roommate, or with their guardians.

They did not live at school, hiding in air ducts.

Then again, none of them were Shinji Ikari.

Sure, the food was crap, the comforts were minimal, and the showers put out hot water if the moon was just right...

But it sure as hell beat staying in an apartment with a drunk depressed woman, a pale-skinned self-proclaimed bride his father had set him up with, and a penguin that seemed to only talk when he was the only one around.

And if that wasn't enough, his father supported him staying there; a very big mark against the whole thing.

"Better than having to explain why Rei calls me husband," he muttered, as he prepared his meal in the closed cafeteria. Everyone at school, home—oddly including the strange penguin, and work kept asking him about that. Well, except for that one guy on the bridge, asking how he could get his balls back.

Shinji preferred not to think too much about that.

"Hmm, maybe I can go to North America. Let's see... Shinji ... Smith? Robinson?"

"Hello, my child."

"ACK!" cried Shinji, turning around, and firing the gun he had ... borrowed, from Misato.

His shot was dead on ... killing the small little radio-controlled robot. "Damn, he got smart."

"I will not have a repeat of your eighth birthday," said a new robot, wondering in, with a small TV on top.

"That was my seventh," growled Shinji, pointing the gun at the monitor. "What do you want? More cult shit?"

"NERV is not a cult."

"You've got eunuchs!"

"... And?"

Shinji pulled the clip back.

"You will return to the quarters I have provided for you."

"Fuck no!"

"Why do you resist me so?"

"Are you on your meds?"

"I do not need medication."

"LEAVE ME ALO—"

Shinji paused, as he felt something hit his neck. Reaching to it, he pulled out a small dart. "Damn you..." he muttered, as he collapsed to the floor.

Gendo entered the kitchen, followed by several Section-2 agents. "Have him and his things delivered to the Katsuragi apartment," he said, not caring to see the gleams in the eyes of the guards.

As they went about doing what they had been ordered to, as well as chatting about what said Katsuragi might be wearing when they arrived, he grabbed what was on the stove and prepared to eat. "He won't mind," said Gendo. "After all, it was made for the service of Lilith."

"Thieving bastard," muttered the sleeping son.

* * *

Sight slowly came to him, as well as a familiar killer headache. "I thought they recalled those tranquilizer darts," he muttered, before sitting up quickly, expecting to see a pale-skinned girl preparing to 'become one with him'.

At least she waited for him to be awake. Some of his father's former ... cult-members would have soon as done it with him dead.

But there was only that annoying penguin in the room with him.

"Hello, prick."

Shinji just growled; preparing to rip Misato's pet apart. She was too hammered half the time, she wouldn't notice, right?"

Sadly for him, the penguin knew what his likely reaction would be, and thus did what he needed to do to survive.

"WARK! WARK! WARK! WARK!"

He made enough noise to get someone's attention.

"Hello, my husband."

Shinji's eyes darted wide, before slowing turning towards the now open door.

She stood before it, completely healed. He could tell, all she was wearing was a very loose robe that showed her healthy skin, and that she was naturally a blue-haired girl. "I have been waiting for our time together."

"R-R-Rei!" he squeaked. _The penguin must die. Man, I'll need to add him to the list._ "Um ... why are you naked?"

"We are to be one and begin a new race to inherit the Earth," she said, cocking her head to the side. "Why do you ask this question so often? Do you have memory problems? If so, we will need to see Dr. Akagi."

He paled at that. The good doctor had become a bit ... emotional; ever since Misato had pointed out that she too was a cult-baby. "No, I'm good!" he squeaked. "But what about Misato. We shouldn't ... um ... disturb her."

"She is not here. She had to attend the Jet Alone conference in Old Tokyo."

Shinji paled even more. That meant, aside from the demented bird, he was alone with a girl who would not take no for an answer.

He was currently and about to be thoroughly screwed.

"Then let us begin," she said, dropping her robe.

But salvation came to Shinji as his phone rang.

* * *

"Someone made a robot like the Gojira my Old Man did?" asked Shinji.

"Maybe," said Misato, as she sat across from him, slightly sober, and in a radiation suit. "Your dad ever make one powered from something other than fission?"

"Hmm ... maybe, I think there was some alien junk at one time or another," Shinji muttered, trying to recall all the mecha his sanity-challenged father had stuffed him into. "How long will we have to stop the runaway bride?"

"The EVA has five minutes of main battery life, and an extra thirty minutes with the power cells on its back. But that'll go down quickly if this thing can actually put up a fight."

Shinji nodded, trying to calculate exactly how much time he'd have to run for it after Misato shut the thing down. It was either that, or go back to ... Rei. Sure, he wouldn't get to finally kill his father, but getting out of the country seemed like the best idea. _Why don't these people in the UN fire his ass?_

Sadly, SEELE was doing what most politicians do: ignore the problem and hope that after a while, it'll solve itself.

"Well then, let's go," said Misato, as she left the small room.

Shinji followed behind her, grabbing a small backpack that had what he needed to leave the country by any means necessary. "Goodbye, crazy life. Hello, Shinji Myers? Doe?"

* * *

It had nearly worked.

Nearly, that is.

He had a minute of power left after Misato shut the Jet Alone computer down, which he used to dart towards the city that it would have destroyed if it had had a meltdown. Sure, it would be close, but surely he could outrun whatever support that might be sent by his father to retrieve him.

And as the power began to fail, he pulled the plug-ejection lever.

It didn't eject.

"Shrewd move, Old Man," he muttered, figuring it had been his father who sabotaged the system.

It also meant that the Eva was going to skid rather painfully along the ground when it couldn't run anymore, as he had used the last energy it had to make a running leap towards the city.

"This isn't over, Old Man," he murmured, as the systems all shut down.

* * *

"Ikari," said Kozo, looking at his former student/current commander, "was it wise to have Dr. Akagi remove the ejection system from Unit 01?"

"Yes," said Gendo. "It is obvious my son will abuse it."

"But what if he gets in trouble and needs to eject?"

"In the service of Lilith, how can we reach such a situation?"

Kozo rubbed his head, again, wishing to God that he had saved a bit better when he was a college teacher. "And if he dies, what will Lilith do to you then?" he asked, deciding for the moment that perhaps it was better for his sanity to play along.

Gendo slowly considered the words. "Hmm, I shall have her reinstall it then, but set it so it can only be ejected from my station, so he cannot run away once again."

Kozo sighed. That was probably the best he would be able to get from him. "Also, Makoto is asking about his ... equipment."

"Equipment? Oh yes, it is his turn to order our meals. We shall have hot dogs and octopus balls."

"WAAAAAAH"

Gendo stood up abruptly. "How dare you insult the Service of Lilith by acting so childishly?"

"I can't have children anymore, you bastard!"

"I fail to see how that is my fault!"

"YOU TOLD ME TO DO IT!"

"Then it was done in the service of Lilith, and thus you should be satisfied."

Maya simply looked on as the two continued to yell at each other. "You know, this job isn't as boring as I thought it would be."

"Just don't be alone with Ikari," said Shigeru. "He'll try and convince you to join that blasted cult of his. Hell, I found three flyers for it in my car yesterday."

"In?"

"Yeah, in," he muttered.

Maya gulped. "How?"

"Don't know, but I am looking for a new job," he muttered. "I wonder if we can get transferred to another NERV base. I heard some good things about the Neo-Berlin base."


	10. Gendo's Need Part 4

**Gendo's Need Part 4**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

It was a slow hunt, the prey was quick, cunning, and willing to hurt itself to avoid divine justice.

"Damn it, PenPen!" cried Misato, as she looked at the injured penguin that had just run into her arms. "How do you keep getting to those knives?" she wondered, as she cradled the injured bird that had just run into her franticly.

Since she was staring at the cabinet she had locked the knives in—PenPen had cut himself no less than fifteen times this month—she missed the worried look the bird was giving over her shoulder.

Thus, she missed the sight of Shinji, sitting at the table behind her, holding up her gun, and pointing it at the bird that had tortured him so. Ever since his failed attempt to flee from NERV, EVA, and his father, the bird had taken every opportunity to alert Rei to where Shinji was hiding.

Shinji had had enough and was going to start working on his List.

"Oh dear," said Misato, missing the scene between the two, focusing more on the injured bird in her arms. "We'd better head back to the vet. I just wonder how the hell you keep getting into those knives."

Shinji just mouthed the words "next time" to the departing bird, as he hid the gun once more inside his backpack, before Misato could see it. He did enjoy the look of panic on the bird's face.

As soon as Misato shut the door to the apartment, Shinji whipped out his cell phone, dialing a number.

"Hello?"

"Yes," said Shinji. "Where is the target?"

"Oh, um..." said the voice, as it tried to locate the thing he was supposed to track. "Still at the school," it said quickly.

Shinji nodded as he closed the phone. It was amazing how loyal some people could be, especially Bridge Bunnies, and especially when you offered them the names of surgeons who had ... similar ... dealings with other victims of his father.

"I do have one more call to make," he smirked, as he dialed the veterinarian's office. It was time PenPen got ... fixed.

* * *

Makoto giggled somewhat insanely, as he called the number Shinji had given to him for his part in the deal.

"Yes, Mr. Hyuga," said the tired voice of the secretary. It had not been the first time he had called that day ... or hour. "The appointment is still confirmed at fourteen-thirty tomorrow."

Makoto gave a childish giggle as he hung up the phone once again.

"Should we be a bit worried?" asked Maya, as she looked across the station to the eunuch.

"The less we know, the safer we are," said Shigeru.

* * *

Shinji quickly packed his bag for the night for another round of "hide from the self-proclaimed wife". The only reason he constantly came back to the apartment was to finish seeking his revenge on the bird. He figured as long as he changed his location, his chances of being captured once again by his father were constantly slim.

He didn't even want to think anymore about the dear doctor who 'checked' him out after every time he was 'recaptured'. The less said about the almost always drunken faux-blond, the better. He was pretty sure that they had better methods for taking temperatures than sticking things up his butt. And he prayed that whatever wasn't put up there was never meant to be and never had been there in the first place. "Cult-babies never reintegrate well back into society," he murmured.

He was just glad that his recent capture had made it medically unfit for him to return to school until tomorrow.

He barely made it to the door when he spotted a note taped to it.

"**Shinji, take Rei's new ID to her after she gets out of school. EVA-00 test today. Misato."**

Shinji growled. This meant someone was likely going to be watching him to ensure he did it, and it wouldn't surprise him if Rei's new ID had a tracker in it to ensure he was taking it. He had counted on having more time to find a secure location for the night, as well as contact his lawyer about getting emancipated.

"I have no idea why they keep rejecting my application though," Shinji murmured. Really, couldn't these people see how bad of a parent his father was? "Are people really so stupid?" he asked.

Sighing, he put his backpack on and went to grab the ID for ... Rei. "Maybe I can find someone to run it to her at school," he pondered. Pass it off to someone else, then hop a bus, maybe find a nice spot in the woods for the night.

* * *

"Dude, just drop it," growled Toji.

"But I'm serious man," said Kensuke excitedly, "they have like this major temple in New Berlin and everything."

"I am not joining a cult with you," said the sports fanatic. "That's just nuts!"

"But we'll get to pilot Evangelions!"

"Then go join by yourself!"

"Are you crazy?" asked Kensuke. "No one joins a cult by themselves; you need friends to join with you."

Toji could only blink at his friend. "Man, you're fucked up, you know that?"

Kensuke smiled as he nodded. "And that's why I know I'll be made a pilot when I enter."

Toji shook his head. "I really need ta get some new friends."

"Hey Ken?"

The duo turned to spot the source of the voice.

"Shin-man," said Toji, glad to finally see someone without insanity. "What's up?"

"I need one of you guys to run this to Ayanami," Shinji said, as he held out the ID.

"Fuck no!" yelled Toji, not wanting to risk being anywhere near the NERV girl. She had shown up to class wearing a uniform covered with badges that looked like Shinji, and was showing everyone a diamond ring that she said "was bought by the family for her". And since she went from quite-shy-creepy girl to happy-married-obsessed girl, he was staying as far away from her as possible.

"Sure!" yelled Kensuke. After all, never hurt to have the family running NERV owe you a favor.

The two watched as Kensuke ran towards the school, hoping to catch Rei before she left.

"He needs some serious help," said Toji, sighing and reminding himself never to accept any food or drink from the boy.

Shinji shrugged, before he turned. "You know when the next bus leaves?"

"You leaving?"

"Duh," said Shinji. "You think I wanna stay here?"

"But I thought you had ta defend the city or something like that," said Toji. Not that he minded the guy running. If it wasn't for his sister needing the hospital care—he did wonder why they entertained the children with a large purple dinosaur wearing a military NERV uniform—he'd have run himself. He was certain his father might too, but for some odd reason; the man just wasn't the same since they moved there. All he did was occasionally come home, go to his room, and make high pitched whimpering noises.

"Let them train a monkey to do it," said Shinji. "The last thing I want to do is be anywhere near those nuts. If you want to do it—"

"SHINJI-KUN!"

He paled, seeing the face of true horror itself peeking out from the third floor window. "Shit, she saw me," he said quietly, as he turned to run. If he was quick, he could loose her.

This is then why he was surprised when he ran face-first into an invisible wall.

Toji just blinked as the boy hit ... something, and collapsed out cold. "Damn, I really need to get away from here."

* * *

Rei nodded slowly; as she ended the AT Field she had projected. Hopefully, no one at NERV would have noticed that power spike. Now all she had to do was go down there, claim her husband, and head to NERV for her test. They might even allow her to skip it, as she needed some time with her beloved.

"Cool," said Kensuke in awe. "Man, I so wanna be in this cult if they can do that!"

Rei slowly looked at the boy. Perhaps he could be of some use to the service of Lilith. Commander Ikari always did say that they needed more eunuchs in the world. And somehow, the idea of this boy growing up and breeding ... disturbed her.

* * *

Shinji slowly came to, wondering why he had a splitting headache.

"Feeling better, are we?"

A sudden chill went down his back, hearing that voice. "Um ... yeah, Doc," he said quietly, praying that nothing new was about to be or had been shoved where the sun didn't shine.

Doctor Akagi was sitting on a nearby desk, smoking a cigarette, and glaring at him. "You better be, and you better explain why you ran into a wall."

"Because it was a sidewalk the last time I looked," answered the boy. "Unless the Old Man found a way to slip hallucinogens into my food again."

"Again?" she asked, only bare surprise on her face, aside from bags under her eyes from late nights out.

Shinji slowly nodded, checking his nose in a nearby mirror to ensure it was okay. He'd rather save his plastic surgeon for when he needed to make a new identity. "Yeah, some cult that he needed me to be some 'seer of the future' or some bullshit," said Shinji. Truthfully, he didn't remember much about the events, since he was usually tripping out of his mind, but the court documents seemed to indicate it was one of the few cults his father didn't try to sell him.

"Oh, that reminds me," he said, as he reached into his backpack—and was a little shocked that the clothes he had packed were gone—and offered her a business card.

"What's this?" she asked.

"Cult-baby support group. You know they got their own political party now? The Old Man's really pissed off a good number of people."

"Why is there an advertisement for Alcoholics Anonymous on the front?"

"You've been drinking how long since you found out you were a cult-baby?" he asked.

"Whatever," she said, putting out her cigarette, as she looked at the card. Whatever it was, it had to be better than drinking with Misato all night. Maybe she wouldn't wake up again wearing Hello Kitty panties, and wondering where they came from.

Seeing as how she wasn't about to check his colon again—and the fact he wasn't going to press her luck and hand her a second card for a support group of all the people Gendo Ikari slept with—he decided to ask the next question on his mind. "Um ... where are my clothes?"

Ritsuko shrugged. "I think Rei took them."

"And the handcuffs on my feet?" he asked, raising his feet enough to show that he was in fact chained to the bed.

Ritsuko actually blinked at that. "How the hell'd she do that without me knowing?" she asked. "Don't worry, I got a key. You'd be surprised how often I have to uncuff people here."

"Never mind," said Shinji, as he reached back into his backpack, pulling out a small key ring. "Looks like a Beta-7 series," he muttered, as he went through a ring full of similar keys.

"Get handcuffed often?"

Shinji glared at her. "Did anyone here even look into my past before they dragged me here?"

"No," she snorted, as she walked away. At least he hadn't asked why she had a personal key for handcuffs.

* * *

A boy of fourteen was making his way around the lonely corridors of NERV, dressed in only a bed sheet like a toga, on top of a medical gown, a backpack on his back.

"She even took my underwear," he grumbled, as he tried to remember the layout of his place. He knew he had little time to flee. If he didn't make it out of there before Rei finished her test, he'd be right in the belly of the beast: his father's home turf and he preferred not to be corralled by the security forces towards the pale-skinned beauty that had declared herself his wife.

"Bastard probably filed papers too," he muttered. He'd have to contact his lawyer about that. Last thing he wanted was to be hunted because his Old Man made him a polygamist.

Now, if he could just remember if he had to take a left, a right, or the center corridor.

"Sir!"

A groan escaped his lips, as he turned around, spotting several NERV guards. "What?" he spat out.

"We are to take you to your EVA, sir," said the middle guard. "An Angel has been spotted heading towards us."

"And I should care because...?"

"You are the only available Eva pilot. Unit-00 hasn't been cleared for use."

"Send her in Unit-01," said Shinji, as he tried to head towards the center corridor.

"I love it when they run," said the guard, as he reached behind himself and pulled out a length of rope.

* * *

"Prepare to launch the Eva when Shinji's inside," ordered Gendo.

"Ikari," said Kozo, as he watched the guards bring in the pilot, "maybe we should have them untie him first?" The Third Child was currently struggling, wearing a mangled toga that was torn in several places, and hogtied.

Gendo nodded. "Are we sure it wouldn't be seen by him as coddling him?" The man was wondering if he needed to take a rougher approach on the boy. _He's showing too much resistance to my will, no family loyalty at all. And after all I did for him... _

Kozo wanted to cry.

* * *

Ramiel floated towards the city as it tried to decide what to do. Not wanting to risk his fellow-Angels making him look like his brother had been—and having no desire to wait behind after his brother had returned and started to 'whoop ass and take names'—and since Ramiel himself had been the major voice behind the little change—he felt the need for choosing his new form and quickly.

Thus, his form was a floating fortress, something that was almost impossible to take out. After all, he didn't want to take the chance his brother might come down again and have a little chat.

"Now let's see; these Lilim don't understand us, so I need to dumb-down this.

"Let's see, I have this... Maybe I can try Morse Code."

The Angel paused a bit, wondering when someone would come up to great him.

Soon, he felt the presence of Shadow that had whooped his brothers' asses. "Okay, now be real careful; don't want to get my ass kicked too. So, let's see, power up my laser beam, and let's send the message that way so they can't miss it.

"Okay, dash... Uh-oh. This ain't good."


	11. Shinji and PenPen's GTA Part 1

**Shinji and PenPen's GTA**

**Part One**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

Please feel free to review, and make comments. If you find a spelling or wordage mistake, feel free to let me know. Thank you.

Also, please check out my other stories. I try to keep a constant level of dedication to all of them.

* * *

The Third Child, Shinji Ikari, slowly opened his eyes, looking up at the all-too-familiar ceiling that seemed to haunt his room at the apartment of Misato Katsuragi.

"That ... was a weird dream," he muttered, looking at the ceiling. "Who ever heard of Indian Mafia, Penguin Nations, and gas pumps under the ocean?"

He rubbed his eyes a bit, smiling at some of the memories of the dream. "Wait, was I the one sleeping with the slave girl or the slave penguin?" he muttered.

Deciding it didn't matter—and if he thought about it too much, he'd begin to wonder why one and not the other—he got up and prepared for yet another day.

Sadly, his plans for a semi-quiet day—semi being that Asuka was staying at Hikari's and wouldn't be back till later—were ruined by one excited hot-water fowl.

"WARK!"

Shinji could only blink. "What do you mean we need to go on a trip?"

"Wark wark, wark wark wark, wark!" cried the excited bird.

"Um ... aren't you forgetting a few things?"

"Wark?" It looked like the bird had actually paled when it said that.

"Well, for starters, we don't have a car."

"Wark, wark!"

"Okay, but even if we got Misato's permission to borrow hers, we still have no money."

"Wark? Wark!"

"No I don't have much," said Shinji. "NERV only gives me an allowance; the rest gets put into some trust fund. And what I have doesn't equal enough for a road trip."

PenPen began to furiously pace about the hallway, making quiet squawks as if debating something.

Shinji just shrugged. It wasn't anything weirder than his dreams. So he went to finish his morning bath. After all, it wasn't like the bird would solve it. It wasn't like Misato had any money—which explained why the majority of his NERV stipend went to non-beer items to consume.

Of course, he was a bit surprised to come out of the bath and see said bird now sitting on the floor with a laptop computer and a card reader.

"Do I even want to know?"

"Wark. Wark!"

"But I haven't eaten yet!"

"WARK!"

"Fine," he muttered. "Do you at least have the keys—HEY! Don't throw them like that!" he yelled, barely avoiding losing an eye. "We still need money."

The penguin gave a sly smile.

* * *

Rei blinked from her bed. Someone was knocking at her apartment? Logically, it had to be someone from school, since NERV personnel tended to just walk in. It wasn't like the doorbell or the lock worked.

"Yes?" she asked, opening the door.

**ZAP!**

Shinji just looked on. "YOU TAZERED REI!"

"Wark," said PenPen casually, before waddling over her and towards her book bag, looking for her NERV ID/bank card. "Wark? Wark!"

"I am not going to roll her!"

The penguin shrugged, as it found its target, and began to use the laptop it had carried in on its back.

"I still don't understand what makes you think her card will work," mumbled Shinji, dragging Rei into the apartment, and checking her over for injuries from both being hit by a tazer charge, and falling to the floor. "I mean, if mine didn't work, why would—"

"WARK!" shouted the penguin, as it did a happy-dance.

Shinji just blinked, wondering if perhaps he was hallucinating. "Dreaming, I have got to still be dreaming.

"Okay, now what?"

* * *

Rei slowly came to, her mind trying to recall what had happened.

_I answered the door, and spotted Ikari-kun and Capt. Katsuragi's pet avian. Afterwards, I remember ... nothing._

_Why do my clothes feel different?_

She was finally able to open her eyes, exposing yet another sense to trying to understand her current situation. She could see she was in what appeared to be the Captain's car, laying down in the backseat. From her angle, she could see Shinji driving, and having an animated conversation with whoever was sitting in the passenger seat, who was hidden from her view.

"Ayanami, you're awake!" Shinji said with a smile, looking at her through the rearview mirror.

"Yes," she said quietly, as she sat up, looking down at her outfit. It was no longer the school outfit she almost exclusively wore. It had been replaced by a white tube top and a miniskirt. "What happened to my clothes?"

"PenPen changed them," said Shinji, causing her to notice he was no longer in his own school uniform, but seemed to be wearing a plain white t-shirt and blue jeans.

"Why?"

"Something about not being easily spotted," Shinji muttered.

"Wark."

Blinking, she angled herself to see that the person in the passenger seat, the very person Shinji had been talking to, was in fact the avian. "He dressed me?"

"Yep."

Rei slowly looked at him curiously. "A small water fowl changed my clothes."

"Uh huh."

"Ikari-kun, have you recently suffered any severe mental or physical trauma to your cranium."

"No, why?"

"You just admitted that a small water fowl with no ability to interact within human society changed my clothes while I was unconscious." She moved a bit in her seat. "And my undergarments seem to be ... uncomfortable."

"Huh?"

Looking down, she noticed a few things. "Where is my bra?"

Shinji glared at his passenger. "You told me she had everything on!"

Rei slowly leaned back. Not only was her bra missing, as well as her underwear seemed to be somehow pulled too tightly, but Shinji was apparently hallucinating, believing that PenPen was capable of such things. "And my underwear?"

"Um ... he said it was a thong, whatever those things are," said Shinji with a slightly red face.

"I ... see," she said. "Ikari-kun, may I use your phone?"

"Can't," he answered, glaring at the bird once again. "Someone wants us to be under the radar for a while, and won't tell me why."

* * *

Said reason currently had both Misato and Asuka at gunpoint on their couch.

"Hey!" shouted one of the guys. "You find it yet, Sleepy?"

"Nah man," said the other in the kitchen. "Did find these vibrating things though; a pink one and a red one."

Both girls blushed at that, before slowly looking at the other.

"You are so sick," said Asuka.

"Hey, only one of those is mine."

"Maybe we can sell them," said a third guy, coming out with two cell phones.

The two girls blinked, before looking away. Of course that was what they had been talking about, nothing else it could have been.

"What do you guys want?" asked Misato once more.

"Where are our drugs, Feathers?" said the man once more.

"Feathers?" asked Misato.

"You're a drug dealer?" shouted Asuka, before she turned towards Misato. "Some responsible role model you are; dealing drugs for the Columbians."

"We aren't Columbians," said the man.

"Mexicans?"

"Güey, you're one stupid puta," said the man. "Just because we are of Spanish descent, doesn't mean we are from South of the United States."

"So where are you from then?"

"West Virginia."

The girls slowly blinked. "Spanish descendant drug dealers from West Virginia?"

"Si."

Asuka slowly turned towards Misato. "You're selling drugs for hillbilly beaners."

"Man, she's a bitch," said Sleepy.

"Don't I know it," muttered Misato.

"HEY!"

"Now who is Feathers?" Misato asked, ignoring the fuming redhead.

"Found them!" yelled the third member of the group, as he came out of the kitchen carrying two bags of white powder. "They were in some weird mini-fridge."

"Good job, Miguel," said the leader. "Thought you could steal from the McCoydiez Cartel, Feathers? You were told what happened to guacho that stole from us!"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" shouted Misato, wondering where the NERV guards who were supposed to be watching out for the safety of the children were. "And I don't know how those got into PenPen's freezer!"

"So this PenPen," said Sleepy, "he's your old man?"

"He's a pet penguin," said Asuka, still glaring at Misato. "What, you're using him as a drug mule or something?"

The three men started to laugh. "Let me tell you something, chica. My name is Jose-Bob, and we are not people you want to screw around with.

"Now, we either have Feathers here, or you know where the piss-ant is. Now, start talking, or something bad's gonna start happening."

"FREEZE FEATHERS!" yelled a voice as the front door was kicked in.

"Shit!" yelled Miguel. "PIGS!"

It was not a very good day in the Katsuragi apartment.

* * *

"So Capt. Katsuragi's pet avian wishes to avoid detection?"

"Right," said Shinji.

Rei slowly nodded. It was very apparent to her that the Third Child had suffered some sort of break from reality. It was the only logical conclusion. "So where are we going?"

Shinji shrugged as he turned off the highway. "I always wanted to see Mt. Fuji."

"Wark."

"I don't care if you think it's boring," commented Shinji, as Rei eyed him.

_I am uncertain how to deal with Ikari-kun's problem without immediate termination. I will observe for now; perhaps we will return to Tokyo-3 soon, and I can inform Dr. Akagi of this development._

* * *

"I ... see," said Sub-Commander Kozo Fuyutsuki. "And you have proof of this?"

Since Gendo Ikari could never be bothered to deal with the public, it fell onto the elderly Sub-Commander to deal with the fact that Katsuragi, the Second Child, and a few detectives from the Tokyo-3 police department as well as the national security agency were discussing a major drug lord that seemed to be based within the city.

"We believe these two are either employees of Feathers or one of them is the notorious drug kingpin, sir," said Lt. Inuza of the Japanese Drug Task Force.

"And do you have a face to go with this ... ring leader?" asked Kozo. It had amazed him how often politicians could make up an enemy to fight, but never finish the job: like find a person to go with the image of 'evil' they created.

"We do," said Sgt. Saodo. "We were lucky with one of our stakeouts to see the guy actually drop some stuff off." He reached into a folder, and produced a photo. "At first, we thought it was only a mule, given the apparent age.

"Here is his photo," said Saodo, as he laid out a photo of a certain Third Child and a penguin getting out of a cab.

"The penguin?" asked Asuka.

"No," growled the Lieutenant. "The boy! Who the hell would believe a stupid bird is a god damn drug kingpin?"

"Easier to believe than the spineless baka!" yelled Asuka.

"Please calm down!" ordered Kozo. "Now, I assume you have more proof than an easily explainable photo."

Inuza nodded. "After they left, we entered the building. It was a known gathering place for the Hatfieldstov cartel."

Asuka groaned. "More Spanish people from West Virginia?" she grumbled.

"No, Russians."

Everyone blinked at that. "A Russian hillbilly crime family?"

The man nodded. "Both the Hatfieldstov and the McCoydiez have had a terrible rivalry in West Virginia."

Misato asked the obvious question. "You're shitting me?"

"Actually," said Makoto, "after Second Impact and the flooding, West Virginia became an ocean-view paradise. They've become the French Rivera of the Americas."

The others just glared at him, before Misato turned back. "Once again, I say you're shitting me."

"Anyway," said Inuza, "the two have been making inroads in Japan, trying to claim the territory."

"What about Yakuza and Triad?" asked Shigeru.

"Sir, trust us; hillbillies are a lot scarier. The Yakuza and the Triad will just kill you. Hillbillies can do a lot worse."

"The building?" said Kozo, reminding them of what they were discussing earlier.

"Oh, anyway," said Inuza, "after they left, we moved inside, believing that they had made a drop, and we could get them with the evidence.

"When we got inside, we found a contingent of seventeen members ... dead, slain like rabid animals. Blood was everywhere, bodies blown apart; and we never knew it was going on. This guy killed professional killers without making a sound we could hear."

The others gasped. They didn't want to believe Shinji could do such a thing, but then they recalled how he sometimes got a little out of hand inside of Eva.

* * *

_The truth..._

"Are you sure you need to meet some friends here?"

"Wark."

"Okay," said Shinji, as his stomach growled. Spotting some snack machines, he smiled. He should have enough change to grab some food before they headed back to the monorail. "Well, take your time, but we have to be back by five."

"Wark wark," said PenPen, as he adjusted his backpack, pulling out a silencer, and slowly withdrawing an automatic weapon.

All of this was missed by Shinji as he stared at the machine. "Mmm, Snickers..."

* * *

"So what now?" asked Misato. Her charge was an insane drug-fueled killer. But she wanted to get him help.

"We need to bring in the Third Child for questioning," said Kozo quickly. The last thing their scenario needed was their important pilot arrested on drug and murder chargers.

"He should be arrested!" yelled Saodo. "This man is responsible not only for hundreds of dead, but for starting a war between the two groups on Japanese soil. You know how many innocent deaths are blamed on this guy?"

"No," said Maya with a squeaky voice.

"Well ... none," Saodo admitted begrudgingly, "but that's beside the point."

* * *

"Mount Fuji is the tallest mountain in Japan," said Shinji, reading the guide book he had purchased earlier.

"Ikari-kun," said Rei, "I need a jacket of some sort. People are staring at me."

"Wark," said the penguin.

Shinji just glared at the bird. How dare he suggest something like that about Rei. It was his fault that she didn't have a bra on anyway.

PenPen ignored him, instead glaring at the ruins of Tokyo in the distance. Soon, he'd show those fuckers who's island this way. Move in on his territory, would they?

"Ikari-kun," said Rei. "I need to stop and purchase some undergarments," she said, shifting uncomfortably. "As well as proper underwear. This ... thong ... does not feel right."

"That's a good idea," Shinji said. True, he liked the twins roaming the land free. But he had to think about Rei, not his own perverted nature that he needed to beat down. "The guide book said there was some sort of mall near here. We can stop there and get you some clothes."

Rei nodded. It would also give her a chance to call for backup.

PenPen growled. They were going to add more time to his plan to settle some scores.

* * *

Hearing the bell on the door ring, the cashier turned towards it, wondering how much commission she'd get on this sale.

But her hope turned to anger. It was a gang-banger. She could tell the woman was very loose. Dyed hair, wearing a top that was just about see-thru thanks to the sweat, a shot mini-skirt that was barely showing the thin underwear she was wearing. _A gang-baby slut in all terms of the word!_ "Get out!"

"Excuse me?" said Rei, unsure if she had correctly heard the woman's hatred in her words.

"You heard me!" yelled the cashier. "We don't serve people like you here! We run a classy business, and we don't need little whores or tramps like you here!"

Rei slowly nodded. "Very well, I shall leave," she said. For some reason, she felt ... upset. _I must converse with Ikari-kun about this. He is more familiar with these emotions than I am. I just wish she would have allowed me to at least use the phone to call for assistance to dealing with Ikari-kun's mental illness._

* * *

"What happened?" asked Shinji, as Rei came back to the car.

"The cashier informed me that she did not serve ... 'my type' there," said Rei. For some reason, she felt ... sad.

Shinji just stared, mouth agape. "She what?" he asked quietly.

"She looked at me and declared she did not serve my type there," Rei responded.

"Wait here," said Shinji. "I'm going to give her a piece of my mind."

Rei just watched as he walked towards the store, not even noticing the penguin following him. He was going to stand up ... for her?

_I am unsure how to respond to this scenario._ Deciding she needed more time to consider, as well as more information, she returned to the car. The last thing she wanted to do was make a rushed decision.

* * *

"I'm ... I'm just so darn mad," growled Shinji, as he walked towards the boutique that Rei had tried to purchase some clothes from.

"Wark! Wark wark, wark wark; wark!"

Shinji blinked. "You'll deal with it?"

"Wark!"

"Thank you," he said. "But I think she needs a good talking too." PenPen followed, reaching into his backpack. He figured he might as well as give the boy a freebie. The fact it would further push attention towards Shinji was beside the point.

* * *

The cashier just growled. How dare that boy tell her she had lost an important sale, and she'd regret it? What could he do?

The ringing sound of the door opening got her attention. So the boy came back again to continue some lame speech. Well, this time she'd yell at him. "What is it now?" she asked, not even turning around.

She began to scream as two silenced shots tore into her legs, forcing her to fall to the floor. She tried to turn around, to beg for her life, but only found several displays on fire.

* * *

"Where did you go?" asked Shinji, waiting at the corner.

"Wark," said PenPen.

Shinji sighed. "Better to go now than beg for it on the road. I just wish we could have gotten Rei some clothes."

"Wark wark."

Shinji blushed. "T-that's beside the point. She shouldn't be showing them to everyone if she doesn't want to."

And thus they were off to Tokyo, and never once did Shinji see the burning building.

* * *

**Omake by Typhonis:**

"Actually we do have evidence that Mr. Ikari is not 'Feathers'. We have video from a few years ago shot in North Korea of whom we believe is 'Feathers'."

Misato and Asuka stared. The carnage was horrific; civilians and soldiers slain mercilessly. A zsu-57-2 used in crowd control. A smart bomb directed onto a bridge. Even a photo of a chopper pilot being headshot by a sniper. The last scene was put up, the scene was frozen as a dark figure was seen on the turret of a tank throwing a grenade into a hatch where the gunner had been.

"We use image clarification and we have 'Feathers' "

PenPen was shown before them; wearing of all things a red rubber glove on his head.

"This is 'Feathers'. We have no idea who this rooster is but..."

"Rooster? That is not a rooster you idiot!" Misato yelled.

"Miss, we had CIA intelligence analysts go over this photo and they tell us without a doubt that that is a rooster."

" Dumbkoff! That's a penguin with a glove on its head!"

"Right, now then as I was saying. This is 'Feathers'. We are now certain this Rooster is in Japan and we need Mr. Ikari's help to find him."


	12. Gendo's Need Part 5

**Gendo's Need Part 5**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

Ramiel just sighed, well, sighed as much as a giant floating cube could. His first attempt at communicating with the Lilim to get the bastard Gendo Ikari had failed ... to say the least. 

Okay, it was a disaster and he pretty much either boiled the Lilim inside the Shadow of Lilith alive, or tore right through it. Either way, it failed.

The second time he had seen the Shadow again, he tried the Morse Code once more ... with severely reduced power.

THE SHADOW EXPLODED! That wasn't going to go over well. He could already hear his siblings making fun of him.

"What the..." he paused, looking towards where something had impacted him. "Those bastards just tried to shoot me. FULL POWER!"

* * *

Kensuke Aida slowly crawled out of the ruined tank, slowly pulling out a small cell phone. "So ... am I ... a pilot now?" he asked, coughing slightly.

* * *

Rei fought the desire to start cursing out loud. Her husband did need his sleep to recover. "I will refer you to the Commander. Good day," she said, shutting off the phone, still angry that he had survived.

* * *

"Okay," said Misato, "it isn't all bad." 

Ritsuko just stared at her friend. "The damn Angel nearly boiled Shinji alive, damaged the chest of Unit 01, has an almost unbeatable AT shield, and has been taking pot shots at the local buildings while drilling down towards us. How is this not all bad?"

"WAH!" cried Makoto.

"What now?" growled Shigeru.

"THEY CANCELLED MY APPOINTMENT!" he cried.

The others just sighed. "I thought he was getting transferred," muttered Maya.

"I wish," growled Shigeru. "Then maybe I wouldn't have had to spend the last few hours hearing about how he was getting the 'Long Dong Silver' special."

"Can we get back to the matters at hand?" said Ritsuko. "I mean, we did see what this thing's range was, so I don't see how we can risk sending a repaired Eva into a close sortie."

Misato just smiled. "Let's snipe it."

Ritsuko just sighed. "Give me the bottle, Misato."

* * *

"Wake up, my son." 

Shinji blinked, wondering where he was. The last thing he had remembered was a bright light, some screaming, and a lot of pain. "I thought the light at the end of the tunnel was supposed to be heaven."

"I see you're awake."

Turning slightly, he spotted his father standing on the other side of the room, shaving off his beard. "Didn't I put you on the list to not be allowed near me?"

"We must prepare to move."

"Move where?"

"I have found us a new destiny."

Shinji just sighed. 'New destiny' always translated into 'I started a new cult.' "What now?"

"I have provided the appropriate clothing for you to change into," said Gendo, as he stepped behind a changing curtain.

Shinji just shook his head, wondering what new shit he was being dragged into, when he spotted the clothing in question. "A green spandex jumpsuit? What, are you starting an ice skating cult?"

The true horror of the new cult was revealed when Gendo stepped out from behind the curtain. False eyebrows were glued onto his face, the green spandex covered by a flak jacket, and the sleeves covered with warmers. "Yosh, we must prove to the world the power of our Fires of Youth," he proclaimed in his usual monotone manner. "Come now, Shinji, let us explode in Youth."

* * *

"AHHHHHHH!" yelled the Third Child, sitting up rapidly in the medical bed, panting heavily. 

"Good morning, my husband."

"AHHH!" cried Shinji again, hopping back away from the pale hand that had been looking under the sheets of his bed, only to discover his legs were once again handcuffed to the bed. "Rei, what the hell?" Did that 'People not supposed to visit me in the hospital' list not mean anything?

"Can a wife not gaze at her husband in his natural splendor?" she asked, making a move to look under the sheet once again.

Shinji quickly tucked the sheet under his legs. "What happened?"

"The Angel nearly killed you before we could begin to become One," said Rei, slightly miffed at the end of her apparent rights. "Captain Katsuragi has implemented a new plan to defeat the Angel." She decided not to inform him of her attempts to exterminate their classmate. It would either upset him or he wouldn't care; either way it was best if he didn't know.

"Yeah ... good luck on that. Where are my clothes?"

"We have been ordered to prepare to move the Evangelion Units to a temporary base to prepare a sniping mission against the Angel."

Shinji blinked. "We as in you guys, or we as in me and you?"

"The latter, my husband, we are to go off into battle in Lilith's name."

Shinji just sighed. They weren't going to let him leave, were they? "Can you uncuff my legs ... dear?"

"Not until the security detail has arrived to escort us to the Evangelions."

"Damn."

* * *

"Got that laser ready, Rits?" asked Misato. 

Ritsuko sighed. "Misato, why did I just get a report about Unit 00 nearly destroying the military base that the positron rifle was stored at?"

Misato just shook her head. "She said she was upset that she wasn't able to get some alone time with her hubby," she replied, before smiling. "Apparently, Rei's the type of girl who you don't keep from her man.

"You can tell me, Rits; they aren't really married, are they?"

"How the hell should I know?" growled the head of Project E. "Ask the Commander."

"You expect me to get anywhere near that nut?" she asked in shock.

"Then ask Rei."

"After she stomped on those soldiers for 'delaying her intimate time with her beloved', I'm not bothering her for anything."

"Then drop it or ask Shinji," said Ritsuko.

"Once again, psycho-First Child," stated Misato.

Ritsuko just waved her off, as she began to dial a number.

"_Hello, and welcome to the Survivors of Ikari Cults. Please listen to our options, as they may have changed._

"_If you need help in a court case, press '1' now._

"_If you are looking into medical exams from the results of being exposed to a cult, press '2'._

"_If you are looking for a cult support group in your area, please press '3'."_

* * *

Ramiel was starting to get pissed. Okay, maybe he didn't get that whole Morse Code thing right—nearly blasting through that Shadow of Lilith had been a major glitch. And maybe his other attempts hadn't ended well either—the downtown area was mow minus twelve skyscrapers and four hills now had good starts for tunnels. 

But in his defense, he really felt those shots at him had been really unfair.

So he was going for one last shot at communicating before he left. He was going to drill a hole to where he was sure Gendo was hiding, and send a message down the shaft to see if they would surrender the bastard. Granted, he wasn't exactly sure what that message would be. But he couldn't do much worse than he had so far, and he did have plenty of time to try and figure that part out.

Right?

"Hey, what are they doing over there?"

* * *

"Helga!" cried Asuka, as she entered the Temple of Lilith. "Where's Kaji?" 

"His has been ... disappointing, Mistress," sighed the huge German woman. "I had such high hopes for him, but he cracked too quickly, his mind was simply too veak to handle Helga's methods."

"Well fix him!" Asuka yelled, as she turned around. "We need to escort Unit 02 back to Tokyo-3, and Kaji's got to be with us."

Helga sighed, as she turned around, looking at the gibbering male that was lying on the floor in the fetal position. "You'd think seeing Helga topless vould have created a different reaction."

* * *

"I said I quit!" yelled Shinji. 

"Sorry, Shinji; but the communication systems are still messed up. We still can't hear you on our end, Shinji, but you can still here us" said Misato through the communications channel. "We still have video though."

Shinji just growled, as he looked at the handcuffs holding him to the controls for the Evangelion; handcuffs that were conveniently hidden from the view of the video camera. "I really need to get the hell out of here."

* * *

"Commander, I must once again protest this!" yelled Misato. "We barely had time to prep the pilots for this mission, let alone this new equipment you had installed in Unit 01's entry plug." 

Gendo remained motionless on the video feed from inside the main complex of NERV. After all, how could such a simple servant of Lilith understand the need to install electronic handcuffs to keep the pilot from escaping?_Perhaps he will become more compliant when the Second Wife arrives._ "I am confident that the current level of training of the pilots will allow for a victory in this situation."

As the screen went dark, showing that the connection had been terminated on his end, Misato leaned back, looking out the door of the command trailer, and at the Units. "Rits, why did we have that shuttle shield, anyway?"

Ritsuko blinked, looking up from some last moment calculations. "Garage sale from the Americans."

"Really?"

"How the Hell would I know?" Ritsuko yelled back. "Ask Resources where it came from. For all I know, Commander Nutjob bought it because it looked shiny."

"Actually it's probably left over from his cult he had in space building a laser."

"Oh look, Shinji's audio is back on," sighed Misato.

"I QUIT!" yelled Shinji. "GET ME OUT OF THIS CRAZY THING! I DEMAND FREEDOM!"

"You can quit after the mission," said Misato, trying to placate the pilot.

"Right after, as in the minute I put a bullet in this thing's head?" asked Shinji, hope in his voice.

"We'll discuss this after the mission," said Ritsuko.

"Oh look," said Shinji, his voice sounding fake, "I feel very ill, as if I may pass out."

Ritsuko simply ignored his fake complaining, lighting up a cigarette. "Better do it soon, I think Big Blue just noticed us here, and I have a feeling he'll want to chat with you again."

* * *

Ramiel blinked. They were going to shoot him? THEY WERE GOING TO SHOOT HIM! "Oh fuck you!" it yelled in its language, as it prepared to fire. It was tired of playing with these Lilim. Couldn't they understand it had come in peace?

* * *

Shinji just growled as he made the first shot, wanting it all over. 

But his eyes could only grow wide as the two shots collided and veered off. "You've got to be kidding me!" he yelled. What were the odds that he was aiming down the barrel of the Angel's own gun?

"Quick, eject the cartridge!" yelled Ritsuko.

Shinji did, watching as the screen showed how long it would be before the computer could retarget the Angel. Sadly, he also noticed that the Angel had no such problem. "You guys better activate that distraction."

Silence was the only reply.

"You ... you did develop something to distract the Angel so we'd have the time we needed ... right?"

"Misato?" asked Ritsuko.

"I would have, had someone not taken my morning coffee," grumbled the Captain.

"Fifty seconds!" yelled Shigeru.

"I wanna die!" yelled Makoto. He was very upset that one of the damaged buildings had been his 'clinic', and said clinic had housed his replacement parts.

* * *

Shinji flipped off the radio. Obviously ... he was on his own. 

The beam would likely melt through Rei's shield soon. Already, thanks to his sync ratio, he could feel the heat from the laser. And he didn't want Rei dead—away from him, that was a given, but not dead. She was a victim of his father like ... well everyone not Gendo Ikari. As such, she was an innocent.

A hot innocent with delusions and some weird power, a faithful follower of his father, and a self proclaimed wife who demanded sex to 'create a race to inherit the Earth'; but an innocent.

"I know I'm going to regret this," he sighed into the LCL as he focused along the barrel of the weapon. "It's my second grade class trip all over again."

* * *

"Damn ... you ... Gendo," gasped the Angel as it died. The drill that had finally popped into the GeoFront stopped. 

To the surprise of anyone watching, it popped open, displaying a large banner, stating what the Angel had wanted.

Once again, had it known Japanese, it would have been a start towards ending the war.

* * *

"Damn it!" he yelled, as he raced towards the damaged entry plug of Rei, its outside slightly melted from the exposure of Unit 00 to the Angel's weapon. 

Grabbing the handles, not even worried about the heat, he yanked as hard as he could, hoping to open the plug and free Rei.

The good news was that he opened the hatch.

The bad news... "MY LOVE!" cried the joyous pale skinned female, sans one plug suit, as she exited the plug at terminal velocity and tackled the Third Child. Rei was not injured in any way, thanks to Shinji's quick shot.

* * *

Misato and Ritsuko raced towards the pilots, a medical crew right behind them to help any of them who were hurt. 

"For the love of," grumbled Ritsuko, as she was the first to spy what the amorous First Child as she tried to rip away the Third Child's plug suit. "Someone get the hose."

* * *

"We need to get better locks, Sensei," said Gendo, as he looked at his console. "They appear to have been released." 

"Perhaps the Evangelion did this?" postulated the Sub Commander.

"... Yui never did like bondage."


	13. Evangelion Time Loops

**Evangelion Time Loop**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow my to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.

These are their insanities.

* * *

**New Loop #1:**

Shinji blinked as the doors closed behind him. "Okay," he muttered, "we learned something today.

"Don't pee in the Reiquarium. They **really** don't like it," he said shivering. He was definitely not going to visit them for a few Loops. "And I thought Kaoru was grabby."

Sighing, he looked around. Same abandoned streets in front of the abandoned train station, with no real warnings that a giant being of death would be there in an hour. The only thing missing was darkness and some zombies to complete that Resident Evil feeling.

So, he could stay here and wait for Misato to show up … or…

"Screw it," he said with a smile. "'Or' is always more fun." With that, he crossed the street and headed towards a shop he needed.

* * *

"I can't believe I'm so damned late!" whined Misato, as her car sped along the deserted highway between Tokyo-3 and Tokyo-2. You would think that the boy's ticket would have carried him all the way to Tokyo-3. They did have a rail station there after all. What was the whole point of dropping him off so many miles away?

"What the hell?" she muttered, spotting a figure coming her direction in the oncoming lane.

It was someone on a motorcycle, that much was certain. It wasn't the uncommon to see them after all.

They weren't wearing a helmet; that much was also certain, as she could make out an unprotected head and face as their distance decreased.

They were also standing up on the bike's seat, arms spread, and howling in joy, as the boy sped past her.

"What the hell is that civilian doing?" she yelled. You'd think the JSSDF would do something about insane people running about. It was like they saw the Angel's attack as a way to weed out the imbeciles.

And then it hit her.

"THAT'S THE COMMANDER'S SON!" she yelled, as her foot slammed on the brakes.

"KING OF THE WORLD!" came the boy's yell as he 'rode' towards Tokyo-3.

* * *

**New Loop #2:**

To any who knew the Infinite Loop, they would assume that perhaps Shinji himself was not yet alert in this one.

They would see a teenage boy in a white shirt, black pants, standing before a phone.

They would assume Shinji was once again trying to find out where his ride was; a ride that would not show up for yet another thirty minutes.

_"Oh, you make me hot."_

They would be wrong.

Shinji was alert and awake … and using his Father's stolen credit card number to call an adult entertainment hotline.

_"Now I'm going to lick my way down your chest all the way to your big, throbbing—"_

**Click!** _"We're sorry, but due to the state of emergency now in effect, all circuits are busy at this time."_

"MOTHER FUCKER!" yelled Shinji, yanking the receiver from the box in his anger. "Great, just … fucking … great!" he yelled, tossing the phone piece across the street and through a plate-glass window of a small shop. "They couldn't have waited five more minutes! Do they know how hard it is to even get that connection! That was a five star phone sex operator!" he bellowed, before yanking out the phonebook.

"Okay, I am not going to deal with Angels without a little reason to live.

"Now, let's see," he murmured, looking through the adult section of the yellow pages. "Too far… Yaoi only… Loli-fest."

Considering he was only fourteen in body and could measure his mental age in millennia, he wasn't interested in making mountains out of barely molehills.

He wanted the Grand Teton Mountains, damn it!

"Ah, here we go," murmured Shinji. "Very close, nice security, but is about to have the piss-poor luck of being next to a wilderness store, freshly filled with highly compressed and flammable liquids."

Nodding, Shinji tossed the book behind him, grabbed a nearby tire iron he had 'liberated' from an abandoned vehicle—man, you'd think people would at least take their car keys with them when they ran for their lives—and hoped into said car.

Porn was good, but worthless unless you could live long enough to enjoy it.

* * *

**New Loop #3:**

As the lights came on, the bay was fully illuminated.

"This is Evangelion Unit 01," said Ritsuko, launching into her prepared speech. "It is—"

"Purple."

Blinking, she turned to the Third Child. "Excuse me?"

"It's purple," Shinji responded, shaking his head in sadness. "You took a mecha and painted it purple of all things."

"And what is wrong with purple?" asked Ritsuko with a glare.

"Well, for one thing," said Shinji, "this is my mom's grave/tomb," he said.

"Hi Mom!" he said with a cheer, waving at the Evangelion. "So someone painted you purple, huh? I remember how you said you hated that color, you called it 'so gay', I think. But those memories are a little fuzzy, what with the non-repressed mental trauma compounded by my abandonment issues," he finished, scratching his head.

"Ah, I get it!" said Shinji with a smile. "The Old Man painted you purple, huh?"

"You're taking this pretty well," groused Misato.

"Ain't like this is the first mecha I've seen," Shinji waved off.

* * *

_"Now Shinji,"_ said Misato over the microphone to Eva 01,_ "just concentrate on walking." _

"Walking!" Shinji shouted back. "Ten minutes ago, you were insisting all I had to do was sit in it! Now you expect me to take my mother's sacred burial chamber into combat? Have you no decency, woman?"

_"Quit whining like a little boy!"_ she yelled.

"Oh, I'm sorry; am I upsetting the adult trained in fighting who is safely under the city and away from the giant er… Hey, what were those things the bad guys always sent after Voltron?"

_"God damn it!"_ came Misato's yell over the speaker.

"Screw this," said Shinji. "Hey Mom, if you want to have some fun, go ahead. Hell, pretend that thing is the Old Man and show him what you think of being painted purple."

And with that, Unit 01 went berserk.

* * *

"Ikari?"

"Yes, Sensei."

"It would appear a new paint job of Unit 01 is also in need of being planned," the Sub-Commander responded, watching as the Eva was now beating the Third Angel with its own leg—the other leg currently sticking out of one of the Angel's eye sockets.

"I was certain she liked purple…"

* * *

**New Loop #4:**

It had taken him nearly the full hour he had been awake so far in this Loop to pull it off. He had barely finished his tailoring when the Third Angel had arrived, barely gotten his new outfit on before Misato arrived to have her car take the brunt of the exploding JSSDF's vehicle.

Now he had unnerved her enough to lead her to the elevator that Ritsuko would come out through.

Yes, everything was going to his plan. Now for the initial salvo towards his old man in Operation: Mindfuck.

* * *

Ritsuko shook her head, clearing her thoughts. It was just the undried LCL on her suit, not any dampness from a fourteen-year-old making her body flood with desire. _I may need to start reading some therapy books. This power-fetish may be getting out of hand._ "This is—"

"I know what this is, Dr. Akagi," said Shinji, dressed in a military-like uniform that strongly resembled his father's. He even adjusted a similar pair of yellow-tinted glasses as he stared ahead. "Unlike NERV, SEELE, the supposed Human Instrumentality Commission, and even the UN; my information network is very thorough. I am well aware that this is Evangelion Unit 01, created primarily by my mother, as a tool and weapon to confront the Angels upon their return.

"I am however surprised that after all of this time, this and its cousins are the only viable weapon at the disposal of the human race."

Misato and Ritsuko blinked at the kid, shocked not only at his depths of knowledge, but at his perfect delivery of said information in a manner exactly like Gendo.

"Now if the psychological profile of Gendo Ikari was accurate as my sources insist, then he is likely watching this from somewhere." Shinji tilted his head up, spotting his father standing on the sealed platform—displayed by what Shinji knew to be bullet-resistant glass from several assassination attempts—and arched an eyebrow. "As expected."

Gendo stared down at his child, his mind trying furiously to do two things.

The first was to understand why those who watched him had failed to report such a change in the boy. This was no quiet wallflower with self-esteem issues.

In addition, the second was to not imagine Ritsuko saying, "We created a clone of you, one-eighth your size."

"I know why you summoned me, Commander Ikari," Shinji continued, removing his glasses and his handkerchief to clean them, his eyes closed. "I also fail to see any reasonable compensation for me to risk my continued mortal existence upon."

Misato gawked at the boy. "Wait, what?"

"Captain Katsuragi, I was to be labeled the Third Child," added Shinji. "The Commander had hoped to bully me with emotional blackmail to pilot this Evangelion Unit to combat the Angel currently attempting to track down the parent calling it here, believing that it is finding the First Angel." He had to fight hard not to smile as he caught a glimpse of shock on his father's face as he opened his eyes once more. After all, he had hinted perfectly that he knew what really laid buried under NERV to his father and Dr. Akagi.

"However," Shinji continued, pulling out a small detonator box and flipped open the cover for the detonator switch, "such actions are unnecessary at this moment."

With that, he pressed the button.

_"Blue Pattern has … been silenced,"_ came a reply over the intercom, as the eyes of everyone in the chamber focused on the Third Child as he slid the remote detonator into his pocket once again.

It really didn't do anything except send a radio signal out into Tokyo-3. Shinji had merely used a trick Tabris had taught him to bypass the Angel's will and make it instantly self-destruct.

However, they didn't need to know that. As far as they knew now, Shinji not only had a lot of information he shouldn't, but access to effect toys to eliminate the Angels with the literal push of a button.

"Dr. Akagi," Shinji continued, turning to walk out the nearby door, "I want a Synchronization Test scheduled in three hours to test my compatibility with Unit 01. If I must deal with this farce, so be it. I shall have a list of my terms and compensation packages ready by then; both of which are not negotiable. I after all have many methods to survive Third Impact intact.

"If I am needed before that, I shall be in the cafeteria. I believe they are serving pizza today for the meal.

"Dismissed," he said, as the door closed behind him.

Ritsuko just stared at the door, face pale. She **really** needed to find that self-help book soon. _I think I just had an orgasm._

Misato just stared in shock. "Okay, what the fuck just happened?" she asked. "Did he just destroy the Angel?"

Gendo said nothing as he turned and walked down the hallway. He was torn between feeling proud of his child and having him interrogated by Section 2 until he got answers. Either way, the Committee would not be pleased.

"I need a drink," he murmured, rubbing his forehead.

* * *

As Shinji continued to walk down the hallway, he let a small smile appear on his face. After all, the fact he wasn't currently laying on the ground laughing his ass off, he considered this a major victory.

* * *

**New Loop #5:**

Shinji knew what to do.

As the elevator doors were opening, his foot launched forward for a devastating attack.

"Great street punk, my ass," Shinji sneered as Commander Ikari went down.

Shinji nodded as the doors closed. His therapist in the last Loop had been right--well, before Gendo had him silenced anyway. That had felt very therapeutic.

In fact, he might have to do that for **every** Loop from now on.

* * *

**New Loop #6:**

"The Angel is infecting the MAGI!" yelled Maya, her fingers working quickly to halt the invasive programming. But the Angel was simply adapting too quickly to counter at the moment.

"Maya, quickly—" Ritsuko started to command, before noticing the Third Child—who was supposed to be in a Entry Plug, naked, and floating in the lake outside of NERV HQ—walk by her with a bowl of popcorn. The group was further stunned as a whole as Shinji merely hit one key on the command consoles.

To their furthering surprise, the three MAGI locked up, the Angel seemingly unable to advance past wherever measure the Third Child had just activated.

"What the fuck did you just do?" asked Makoto in awe.

Shinji just smiled as he pulled up a seat. "Settling our bet."

"Bet?" asked Maya.

Shinji nodded as the image of the three MAGI on the screen changed into…

**"Balthasar must build additional Pylons!"**

**"I am Zerg!"** came the cry from Melchior.

**"What is your major malfunction?"** cried Casper.

"I believe in the Protoss," Shinji nodded sagely.

Ritsuko twitched. "You stopped an Angel from invading our systems by using it to play a game of Starcraft?" she asked.

"Stopped the what now?" asked Shinji, still focused on the screen, grabbing a handful of popcorn.


	14. Evangelion Time Loops 2

**Evangelion Time Loop 2**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow me to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.

These are their insanities.

* * *

**New Loop #1:**

Asuka stared at the trio of boys, completely unimpressed. _God, I hope none of these … weaklings is the Third Child._

_And why is that one wearing that gay-ass uniform?_

Sadly, for many involved, that was when a strong wind decided to whip up the Second Child's yelled sundress, revealing her panties to the boys.

Of course, such an offense could not have been her fault. Sure, she wore the dress—and her entire time onboard, there had not been one day without wind to worry about—but it was the boys' fault for looking. As such, she had to punish them.

**SLAP! SLAP!**

But her hand stopped from striking the third person when she heard a sound that sent a shiver down her back.

**Click.**

"Second Child," said Shinji, his voice neutral, his weapon at the side of her head, "what you heard was my weapon being primed to put you down as if you were nothing more than a rabid animal."

"Dude, where did Shinji get a gun?" whispered Touji, very fearful of his 'friend'. After all, when a child from NERV orders you to be their friend, you can't exactly say no.

"Shinji!" yelled Misato.

"Captain Katsuragi, as the Second was about to strike me, I find myself in need of properly responding. If she is as emotionally unstable as she has just demonstrated, she would be an unnecessary risk to NERV, let alone be unsuitable to be placed inside and allowed control of an Evangelion Unit.

"Yet as she is still allowed to pilot one, I am forced to assume that the same organization that decided my Father would be best suited for controlling a military installation once again failed to instill a proper decorum in this pilot.

"Now, you can either discipline her or I shall."

"W-w-who are you?" asked Asuka, face as pale as the First Child.

"I am Third Child Shinji Ikari, assigned pilot of Evangelion Unit 01," Shinji replied. "Do not think I will not terminate you if you become a risk to the publically expressed mission of NERV. You're job can easily be handled by another."

"Please pick me!" begged Kensuke. "I'm completely loyal! I'll kill for you! Want me to put her down for you so you can have full deniability?"

Much to the horror of Misato, Asuka, and Touji, Shinji appeared to consider it.

"Shinji!" bellowed Misato. "You are not allowed to terminate employees of NERV just because it suits you!"

Sighing, Shinji lowered the gun, flipping the safety back on, as he adjusted his yellow glasses. "Ms. Katsuragi, you will soon find that your understanding of my plans are not necessary for them to be carried out, nor is your approval.

"Now then, shall we ensure the person in charge of this relic does not believe the same thing as you," he finished, turning sharply and heading towards the Bridge.

Who knew being such a dick could be so much fun?

* * *

**New Loop #2:**

Shinji rubbed his jaw, staring at Rei. "You know, if you didn't want me doing that, you could have just asked me to stop."

Rei stared at him still nude and still on the floor.

"I mean, I can understand that you're not in the mood," offered Shinji. "Hell, I can understand not being attracted to me.

"But did you really have to clock me with an AT-Enhanced fist instead of asking 'Please stop playing with my breasts'?"

Rei continued to stare at him.

"This isn't about the whole 'becoming one with you' thing is it?" asked Shinji. "Because I'm more into the whole sex thing and against the whole being reduced to LCL thing."

Rei's eyes went wide at that.

Shinji just shrugged. "What can I say, I'm a teenager with teenage hormones," offered Shinji. "And as much as I enjoy looking upon a beautiful naked female—despite her vicious right hook—we might want to hurry up to NERV, especially if we're not going to have sex."

Rei just stared as Shinji left. He knew about the AT Field, the becoming one?

He confused her.

Her hand going to the breast Shinji had … caressed, she was torn between two emotions, emotions she did not know how to process. One was to physically assault the Third Child.

The other … was to throw him down and do things to him she had caught people doing in the broom closets of NERV.

* * *

Shinji continued to whistle outside of Rei's apartment. Sure, that could have gone better. However, it was still a start to thawing the Ice Princess. "Can't expect miracles on the first try," he muttered.

Thus it was understandable he was quite shocked when a pair of pale arms burst through the wall on either side of him, yanking him back into the apartment by force.

Rei had made her decision.

* * *

**New Loop #3:**

Shinji just hummed to himself as he broke into Kaji's assigned room aboard the _Over the Rainbow_. "You know, you'd expect a Navy to be able to afford better locks for their doors," he muttered as he made his way towards the hidden safe in the room. "Bad Kaji, not keeping it on you at all times," he said with a smile as he prepared to crack the safe.

* * *

Gendo stared at the suitcase open before him. "Is this a joke?" he asked.

"What?" asked Kaji in confusion, as he looked into the suitcase.

It didn't contain the first Angel in embryonic form.

It did however contain a large supply of Viagra.

* * *

Shinji looked at his left hand, the form of Adam implanted in it. "And that is why you are in my left hand; because then it would feel slightly gay when I masturbate otherwise."

* * *

**New Loop #4:**

"Wark."

Shinji blinked as his eyes refocused on the room around him. "You know, I might be going crazy. I think I'm beginning to understand you."

"Wark."

"… Nope, my mistake," grumbled Shinji as he sat up. "No more drinking Misato's stash this Loop. I don't think my body can handle it," he grumbled as he made his way to the bathroom, pondering on what to do today to shock the hell out of people.

_Hmm, I already tried the lost brother of Ayanami. Did the genetic experiment shtick, I'd even been the drunk._

But he needed something new to mess with people.

Smiling, Shinji let out a huge cackle.

"Wark?"

"Nah, but I may need your help ordering some supplies for next week."

"Wark."

"Yes, there is beer in it for… Why am I talking to a penguin again?"

"Wark."

"No, this has nothing to do with my mother!"

* * *

"So Rei, will you help me?"

"Why?"

"Because I'm asking?"

"I have not been ordered to assist you. In fact, the Commander specifically mentioned I was to avoid your company in all instances aside from those required to defeat the Angels."

"… It'll mess with Asuka."

"What do you require?"

* * *

The teacher commended himself for once again not reacting to what had to be a plot from the Ikari-brat to slowly drive him insane. Why else would he and Ayanami dress up in those suits and hats, wearing sunglasses indoors?

Luckily, the next class was cut as the Angel sirens went off, causing all three pilots to stand up, and the redhead answering the phone.

"Don't worry folks," said Ikari. "The Angel will never harm you."

"It'll never catch us," said Rei, adjusting her tie to her dress suit. "We're on a mission from God."

* * *

**New Loop #5:**

"This is bullshit!" cried a member of the new Team 7 as the rest of the students and teachers left the classroom.

"I agree," said Shinji with a heavy sigh as he reached into his orange jumpsuit—which would be burned when he had a free moment to send some Kage Bunshin to fetch him new clothes—and produced a bottle of hard liquor. "Bad enough I fight with you in our universe; now you're my teammate here. I must have been Hitler in a past life to have karma this bad."

"That better have not been a German joke, Third Child; or I will crush you!"

"Must you yell?" inquired Rei. As the Second Child glared at her, Rei turned towards Shinji, who now was laying out a shot glass. "Ikari-kun, do you know of this reality?"

Shinji nodded, reaching into his jumpsuit and this time pulling out a small group of notebooks. Going through several, he picked out two and placed the rest back inside his subspace pocket. "Here you go," he said, tossing the two booklets over to the girls.

Asuka grabbed hers, looking at the title. "Sakura Haruno?" she asked.

Shinji nodded. "Long story short, we're in a version of a Fused Loop. Instead of restarting our Loop in our reality, we restarted it in another Looping reality, the one from a series on manga and comics Ranma simply referred to as the Narutoverse. I took Naruto's spot in this Loop, and you two took the spots of his team members."

"How do we get back?" growled Asuka.

Shinji shrugged. "Die or play the Loop out," he said, wondering how Asuka was even breathing in Sakura's clothes—even at the age of twelve, Asuka was far more developed than the pinkette.

"I am to replace Sasuke Uchiha," said Rei, reading the first page of the book she had been handed.

Shinji just nodded, slamming back his fifth shot. He had to do it rapidly to even get a buzz—damned S2 organ didn't let alcohol stay in his system too long. At least he didn't have to worry about times when he would need Kyuubi-level chakra.

Sadly, he didn't think Rei had ever gotten around to giving that organ to Asuka as well. In effect, Asuka was still the lead weight on the team.

He chuckled lightly. Too bad for her.

"Baka-Shinji, I am not some fangirl of Wondergirl!" Asuka yelled, spotting some of Sakura's history.

Shaking a happy image out of his head—one that promised to fuel a mighty Patronus when he ended back up in the Hogwarts Loop—Shinji turned to face the irate redhead. "We took their places. Certain things in the universe will change because of that. I doubt Rei has a horde of fangirls."

"It will be highly likely I have a horde of fanboys instead," replied the quiet neo-Uchiha, as she pulled out a small pocket mirror. She focused for several moments before her red eyes flashed into an immature Sharingan.

"Why does she get some bloodline?" whined Asuka. "Gimme the fox, Shinji!"

The former Ikari shrugged. "He's always with Naruto. I don't have him."

Sighing, Asuka returned to her book. "Well, at least I'll be a better ninja than you. Just watch and see how it's done!"

"Sure you will, Asuka," he slurred, smiling. Ah, a good buzz, and he still had half the bottle left.

* * *

"My first impression of you," started Kakashi, looking at his team of a … an Uchiha who seemed to be staring at everything with her Sharingan on, a redhead who looked like she was about to start yelling at him, and … a drunk and passed out demon container who was mumbling something about pens, "that I pissed off the Hokage somehow. Meet me on the roof in ten."

* * *

**New Loop #6:**

"What?" yelled Gendo.

The Section 2 agent gulped. "We found the Fourth Child hogtied in the pilot locker-room with this note," he said, handing it to Gendo quickly.

* * *

_Yeah, think we should have an experienced pilot try and start Unit 03. I've read a book on test pilots, Old Man, which officially puts me ahead of you in Military Experience._

_If it kills me, I just want you to know … it was me who signed you up for all those yaoi porn magazines and doujinshi._

_Not nearly drunk enough for this shit,  
Shinji_

* * *

Gendo stared. Aside from explaining his recent surge in junk mail, it also explained the disappearance of the Third Child.

But no fret. Unit 00 and Unit 02 were out there, Unit 01 was on standby with the Dummy Plug system.

"Target is within visual range of the Evangelions," said Maya nervously.

Gendo nodded, already hearing the chatter of the Second Child about facing an Eva, the failed attempts to eject the entry plug, and his own command to classify Unit 03 as the next Angel and call for its immediate termination.

And then … it all went to hell, something he was certain was his son's fault.

* * *

Asuka blinked. "Where the hell did that thing get a top hat and cane?" she asked loudly.

Standing ready, Unit 03/the Thirteenth Angel opened its mouth, and began its plan.

_**"Hello! ma baby, Hello! Ma honey, Hello! ma ragtime gal.**_

_**Send me a kiss by wire, baby my heart's on fire!**_

_**If you refuse me, Honey, you'll lose me, then you'll be left alone;**_

_**Oh baby, telephone and tell me I'm your own."**_

Finally, it danced behind a mountain, the song over.

"… Okay, what the fuck?" asked Asuka.

* * *

**New Loop #7:**

Shinji moved nervously down the corridor, looking for any droids he might need to deal with.

There was none. No sounds, no marching, no anything to indicate that this was an enemy stronghold.

And it scared him.

Fear wasn't part of the Jedi way. But he wasn't a Jedi. Sure, it was nice and all, but as Ranma pointed out, it was half an equation, an unbalanced nature.

Like all of the Anchors and their fellow Loopers, they were Gray Jedi. Bad enough they had to deal with some staunch code, at least they didn't have to worry about being banished.

Somewhat hard to do when you're among the strongest out there—even a sometimes Looping Sith Lord.

But that wasn't why he was scared.

No, he was scared because of the fellow Looper of that sometimes-Sith Anchor. Something about the way that Togruta looked at his fellow Gray Jedi that made him … think of Rei.

"Took you long enough to get here, Stud."

Gulping, he slowly cast his eyes upward, finding … a nude Padawan with a very disturbing smile.

"Mama doesn't like to be kept waiting."

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"What was that?" asked a clone trooper, looking behind the group.

Anakin Skywalker turned back slightly. "Probably Snips having some fun." He chuckled lightly at that. _Oh well, better one of them than me._

"So … we should continue … that way?" asked the clone soldier, pointing in the opposite direction of the scream.

"Yes," Anakin nodded with a smile. "I'm sure Snips and whoever is … ah, helping her have everything back there well in hand." He even felt sorry for the unfortunate Droids that would no doubt stumble upon the duo.

Once again, better them than him.

* * *

"What is it, Saotome?" asked Nabiki, turning to look at the sad look on her teacher's face.

"A great disturbance in the Force," he said sadly. "Shinji has cried out and was silenced."

"Well, you warned him not to go on a mission with Skywalker or his Padawan."

* * *

**New Loop #8:**

Shinji stared at the Third Angel, wondering if perhaps his newest plan could work.

"You do not seek Adam," he said, waving towards the approaching Angel.

To his amazement, it stopped.

"You seek … to destroy Tokyo-Disney and Euro-Disney. In fact, you seek the end of all Disney Parks."

The Angel slowly nodded as it turned, setting course for Old Tokyo.

The Third Child only blinked. "That … was kinda cool. THE FORCE ROCKS!

"Teach those idiots to sell me tainted food…"

* * *

**New Loop #9:**

Gendo glared at the document before him, his express-mail reply from his son.

He had simply sent the Third Child a letter with only one word: come.

Shinji's reply was just as short. However, it included a picture of the Third Child bending over, apparently slapping his bare ass, with one word as well.

Kiss.

_If we were not all about to die soon and all my plans coming down around me, I would feel proud._

* * *

**New Loop #10:**

"Ikari-kun."

"Yeah, Rei," asked Shinji, trying to remember which wires to cross that **wouldn't** have the result of sending a few gigawatts through his flesh.

Thirteen times was enough, thank you.

"Why are we doing this?" she asked.

"Rei, how many Loops have we been through?"

"Seven thousand, eight hundred, and forty seven, counting this Loop."

The Third Child blinked at those numbers. "Okay … wow. You counted them all."

"Negative, I simply recited a random number of sufficient quantities to see your reaction and take emotional fulfillment from it."

"… You just said a huge number to fuck with me?"

"I believe that is what I said," replied the First Child.

"… Right," murmured Shinji. "Anyway, I'm just adding a bit of equipment into the MAGI."

"For what purpose?"

"Can't it be a surprise?"

"Your last surprise resulted in me competing with three of my spare bodies for your attention," Rei replied, a bit of anger in her voice.

"I had nothing to do with that," he quickly replied. "I simply tried to see if I could activate them without needing you dead. I had no idea that your memories were already inside them."

"One of them attempted to seduce the Second Child," Rei responded, shivering. "I will terminate her later to ensure such does not occur again."

"Yeah," Shinji murmured, hooking up his equipment. He rather enjoyed returning to Misato's apartment and basically finding Rei XXVI making Asuka her bitch. _Good times, good times…_ "Don't worry Rei, it won't do that."

"Then what will it do, Ikari-kun?" she asked once again.

"Well, you ever notice how literally everything is run by computers here, even security."

"Yes, it is in the manual on Page 28."

"There's a manual?

"Never mind," said Shinji. "I'm simply making use of a pal I picked up during the last Fused Loop with Saotome."

"Did that not involve the Federation?"

"Yep."

"Ikari-kun, are we creating Borg?"

"No, but save that idea for the next Loop."

"Very well. So what are we releasing?"

"Something Chief O'Brien lent me."

* * *

"I shall leave things in your hands, Sensei," said Gendo, as he activated the lift to lower him one level, a lift he had used hundreds of times.

Sadly, this was a time when a Harry had acquired a certain AI program from the Gamma Quadrant from Chief Miles O'Brien.

Thus, Gendo could only look on with wide eyes as the platform descended much faster than should have been expected.

It went down at Mach 8.

Gendo didn't descend as fast.

"You used a foreign computer artificial intelligence to do injury to the Commander?" asked Rei.

Shinji just shrugged. "I let the little guy go wild as long as he constantly injured certain people."

"You have let the foreign equivalent of Ireul loose on our base."

"One; he's loyal to me. Two; he won't harm our operations. And three, it was damned funny, huh."

"… I admit, seeing the Commander squeak 'Oh shit' before falling to near-certain death was quite enjoyable."

"But…?"

"But I fail to see how this will result in more time for us to become one."

"… There's more to life than sex, Rei."

"True, but nearly all of it lacks significant emotional responses."

"…Okay, I'll put it this way: the more injures the Old Man has, the less time he can spend watching me nail you at school, the mall, Penpen's freezer, or any other place I whip out my Ikari sword."

"… The results are desirable. Never call your penis the 'Ikari Sword' ever again."

"Why?"

"It disturbs me."

"And?"

"It makes me mentally elevate Kensuke Aida higher in the list of desirable mates."

"… Right, out it is."

"… Medic!" came a weak cry from the hole that Gendo had descended.

* * *

**New Loop #11:**

Shinji stared at the beverage before him, wishing the alcoholic goodness to erase this Loop from his mind. He had been among those that had laughed when Naruto and friends regaled them with a tale about how they had done something so stupid, they had entered a Prime Loop, a Loop where you meet yourselves at the starting point in a Loop, where you exist apart from them. He had laughed so hard when Uzumaki talked about dealing with his younger self.

Now he realized how wrong he was.

"More drinks?" asked the waitress at the Tokyo-3 bar inside the Geo-front.

"Vodka, keep it coming and leave the bottle," said Shinji.

"And you, Miss?"

Blinking, he raised his eyes, spotting the adult Rei. "Anything but tequila for her," said Shinji.

Rei actually pouted.

"Oh, don't give me that. I remember all too well what happened the last time you had tequila."

"What happened?"

Turning slightly, he say Misato, Ritsuko, Kaji, and the adult forms of Asuka and Kaoru entering and making their way to the table. He didn't really want to answer.

Rei however had no such issues. "I proceeded to become one with Shinji-kun until he passed away."

The three non-Looping adults stared at him in shock—awe mostly for Kaji.

"I have since dealt with his frailty issues by gifting him with an S2 organ."

"Hey!" growled Asuka. "How come I didn't get one?"

"You have not given me a reason to."

"I'm not a carpet muncher, Wondergirl."

"Excuse me," interrupted Misato. "As much as I would just love to hear about Shinji's sex life, could any of you explain why the Fifth Child is here but not the Fourth?"

The four future pilots looked around nervously, before deciding to do what they always did.

Pretend nothing had been said and move on.

"Kaoru, where's your analog?" asked Shinji.

"Oh, I dropped him off at Ms. Katsuragi's apartment with some learning aids. I fear my double is quite socially retarded and hope that viewing those aids with your analogs will help him fit in better."

"… God damn it," muttered Shinji, dropping his head to the table, knowing what Kaoru had done.

* * *

"My, you Lilum do have such … odd mating rituals," he said, staring at the screen, as his elder self's 'educational' material played on the television.

Rei looked down at the bottle her elder self had given her and back towards the pale Third Child., wondering if the mystic brew with a dead arthropod in it would truly help her experience the joys of humanity.

* * *

_Well, at least I have enough to get a hotel for the night. I am __**not**__ walking into that tonight._

"So the Third Child will one day grow into quite the Ladies' Man," chuckled Kaji, taking a seat—furthest from Asuka oddly enough.

"Well, I always wanted to be better than my Old Man," Shinji slurred, as he filled his shot glass with some vodka. "A personality and the ability to make breakfast the morning after goes a long way." He also had plenty of experience getting out of handcuffs, gags, and the occasional weighted trap meant to keep him in said bedroom. But he'd rather they not know that.

Even Ritsuko laughed at that. "So does that mean soon we'll get some more information on this war, upgrades, and such from your travels?"

"Duh," smirked Asuka. "Just a little, enough to make sure other forces on the planet do not abuse it."

Kaoru nodded. "We shall even reveal the truth about the First and Second Angels," he offered, causing the non-Loopers to open their eyes wide in shock.

"The truth?" asked Kaji, hoping against hope.

"Later," said Shinji, waving for the waitress to return to their table. "For now, we celebrate the defeat of the Sixth Angel!"

"Was it really necessary to make it crawl all the way here from Old Tokyo to kill it?" asked Misato.

"Evolution's a bitch," sneered Shinji. Not his fault they moved Unit 02 and baby-Adam through the air. Poor Angel forgot to evolve to breath **outside** the water. Not his problem.

* * *

**New Loop #14:**

"Well then, Ikari," grunted the General, his bile rising in his esophagus at the mere thought of what he had to do. Nothing was worse than handing a civilian control of a military matter, especially a civilian with absolutely no military training.

"Sir!" cried one of the Bridge Bunnies—a term a males took great offense to and the lone woman when someone handed her a playboy bunny outfit as a joke. "Several unknown signatures are approaching the Angel!"

"What are they?" demanded the middle general in a huff.

"They appear to be … robotic lions, sir?" said the lone female bridge bunny in a tiny voice.

* * *

"And I'll form the head," came the voice over all radio frequencies, as the Black Lion transformed, joining with the other lions and forming a giant robot.

"Hey, how come he gets to be the Black Lion?" asked a voice many who were in the multiverse would recognize as Naruto.

"Because this is his universe, Uzumaki," came a calm voice from another lion, the familiar voice of Ranma Saotome. "When we have to face giant horrible beasts in your universe, you can run the Black Lion."

"Excuse me, guys," said the Black Lion, the voice of Shinji Ikari, "I have a giant technorganic entity to destroy to protect my world. Could we put off the lame bitching and moaning and focus on that?"

"I was not bitching!" yelled Naruto.

* * *

"GO, VOLTRON FORCE!" said Maya Ibuki with pride.

"… Ikari," growled a general, turning to face the commander of NERV, "if this is some joke, I'll have you castrated for it!"

Gendo just blinked. He was pretty sure Voltron was not in the Dead Sea Scrolls.

* * *

**New Loop #15:**

Shinji sighed as time resumed. "And I was having such fun too," he complained. Why did it always seem that when he finally began to enjoy himself, someone would do something stupid and end them?

"Oh well," he shrugged, closing his eyes as he began to manipulate his subspace pocket, "no use crying over spilled milk … unless it was the last and you wanted cereal."

**Thud!**

Smiling, the Third Child opened his eyes and looked at the coffin-sized crate. "This better work or I'll be one severely pissed customer," he complained, easily opening the sealed crate.

Looking inside, he found a small data pad and turned it on, reading what it displayed.

"Congratulations on your purchase of the Mark-III personal mini-photon torpedo launcher," he started with a smile. Sure, launching it would likely irradiate the area.

But it wasn't his fault if the pilots facing the Angel didn't have adequate shielding.

"I do wonder though, will five isotones be enough to get through an AT Field?" he paused, before setting the device back down and began to modify the mini-torpedo's casing with anti-AT tech.

He didn't want to level all of Tokyo-2 after all. He was still there.

* * *

Shinji could only blink, eyes wide, body covered with Angel bits—as was a good bit of Tokyo-2—with the shoulder-mounted weapon still in hand.

"I think I'm in love," he whispered out, using a free hand to wipe chunks of Sachiel off his face.

"Hmm," he murmured, pulling out a tricorder and giving himself a quick scan, ignoring the screams for help from the downed VTOLs who had been closer to the exploding Angel. "Not sterilized, not irradiated either, all good."

Smiling at a job well done, he concentrated, sending the launcher back into his subspace pocket, and sighed. Now all he had to do was get cleaned up, ignoring the urges society had ingrained into all young males that after witnessing such destruction, that he had a need for liquor and to see something naked.

A blue car skidded to a halt near him, barely missing him as the driver was hardly experienced in stopping on a road covered in biological fluids and waste.

"Hey, get in!" cried Misato, opening the door for him.

Looking up, Shinji could only growl. "You love tempting me, don't you?"

* * *

**New Loop #16:**

Shinji blinked as he looked at the available materials he had to play with. "You know, one would think an upscale computer shop would have better gear on-site than this," he grumbled, grabbing a few circuit boards. How was he expected to hack the MAGI with equipment like this? Hell, the whole reason he had chosen to break into this particular store after he awoke in the Loop was just for that purpose: high-end stores had to have high-end merchandise.

However, that was proven wrong. Half the stock he could see was at least half a year old, no new series of video cards, nothing to indicate that the store was as cutting-edge as it proclaimed on its sign.

"Well, definitely burning this place down," he grumbled, looking around. He hated false advertising.

Looking around, he spotted a few more parts he could use. And while not the high-end he was hoping for, they'd do.

So, grabbing a soldering iron, he got to work.

* * *

"GET IN!" yelled Misato, pulling the soot-covered boy into her car and driving off as quickly as she could, barely missing the foot of the Angel.

"Are you okay, are you hurt?" she asked him, giving him a quick cursory glance to ensure he wasn't bleeding out.

"Nah," he waved off, opening the laptop computer and beginning to type away. "I was a little closer to a fire than I thought I would be. I really need to practice that," he murmured, before shaking his head and returning to his typing. Arson never had been his forte.

_Hmm, I'll need to practice that. Wonder what all my father owns. Or SEELE._

* * *

"Would you shut that down?" yelled Misato, as she tried to lead him through NERV.

"Almost done," stated Shinji, as he compiled and executed the program he had been running. Luckily, the wireless router he had 'acquired' was able to link with the MAGI inside of NERV, thanks to a backdoor he knew of.

Closing it up while leaving it running, he smiled at Misato. "Now, how can I help you?"

* * *

Gendo just twitched as he made his way to the visual platform for the bay where Unit 01 was kept. Something was terribly wrong with the MAGI. Whenever he walked, they played the _Imperial March_ song. When the generals left him in command of the operation to defeat the Angel, a voice came over the speaker demanding to know what they were smoking and why they were not sharing. Telemarketers were calling his private line. His phone would occasionally even come on and emit sounds as if he was farting or soiling himself.

And he wouldn't even dignify what was randomly popping on computer monitors.

A quick check of the Dummy Plug room revealed that the speakers were now reciting interviews from Dr. Ruth.

Were things not so tense, he would have dragged Akagi to fix it, as obviously the MAGI were either hacked or failing.

Finally, he arrived at the window, taking a moment to restore his usual calm manner, before answering the boy's question.

"It is," he said, eyes wide as the voice that came out was several octaves higher. Great, now the malfunctions were pumping helium into the room. Hmm, he did wonder why he felt very light headed and…

**THUD!**

"Well, I guess someone finally got him neutered," murmured Shinji just loud enough for the two women beside him to hear. "Now, you were showing me this why exactly?"


	15. Evangelion Time Loops 3

**Evangelion Time Loop 3**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow me to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.

These are their insanities.

* * *

**New Loop #1:**

_More of Gendo's Mini-Me via Operation: Mindfuck…_

"The scenario is not going as planned," stated Gendo as he and Fuyutsuki made their way towards his office. The Third Child's arrival was anything but expected.

He would be proud if it wasn't for the fact how much it was screwing up his plans.

"I have already dispatched a team to investigate how our information could have been so erroneous," stated the elderly teacher.

Nodding, Gendo reached for his office door.

"Come in, Commander," stated an all-too familiar voice.

Eyes widening slightly, Gendo slammed open the door, revealing his son sitting behind Gendo's desk, arms folded in front of him, staring at Gendo in much the same way Gendo stared at any random office drone that entered.

"What do you think you are doing, Third Child?" Gendo stated, trying to be an intimidating as possible with a stern voice.

"I have been making the necessary corrections to this facility to assist in the success of my scenario," Shinji stated with just as little emotion in his voice as Gendo had. "I was also issuing several memos and forty-seven rule changes to ensure SEELE did not interfere. The old men, like you, still serve some purpose for my scenario."

Kozo sighed, lowing his head and giving a minute shaking motion. _Yui, if you could see them now, I think … you'd be as scared as me right now._

"You are not in charge of this facility, Third Child," Gendo stated, a bit of anger slipping into his voice.

Shinji hid a small smile behind his hands, small enough that in the dark office Gendo would not see any movement of his face. _You cracked first, Old Man!_ "You will find that matters little to me, Commander Ikari. As you will note when you investigate my claims, I have already entered in the proper passwords to verify my authority and changed them to ensure you cannot usurp it.

"In effect, I have conducted a coup d'état while you were posturing before the staff. I already now control this facility, as I now control the funds, the computer network, security, and finally the Ikari fortune. As demonstrated earlier, even the so-called Angels are of no consequence."

"You expect me to believe this?"

"I believed it when my sources informed me that your twelfth-level password involved your opinion of my mother's butt," he said, arching his eyebrow, even as Gendo's eyes went wide.

"Your scenario is finished, Gendo Ikari," stated Shinji as he stood up, straightening his jacket and glasses as he made his way towards the two adults. "My scenario will be completed, no matter what laughable attempts you make to wrestle control back from me. By this time tomorrow, SEELE and their pawns will have bigger issues to worry about that of Adam. After my initial Synchronization Test, Unit 01 will also support me in this endeavor, as it does not strike against what Mother valued. Though I am curious how Unit 00 will react when it learns of what I have done.

"Now, I do have an appointment with Dr. Akagi. Please inform Captain Katsuragi that I will be moving into her apartment afterwards. I have already sent Section 2 to clean it and stock it with proper foodstuffs. I will not be her live-in maid.

"Dismissed," he said as a final insult as he exited the office. Luckily, he could blank out the cameras in certain areas at certain times. He wasn't sure how much longer he would be able to keep a straight face without laughing.

"Well, Ikari," sighed Kozo, trying to offer some good bit of news, "I think we can safely say that your son is more like you than you ever thought."

"May I remind you Sensei that I still am armed."

"May I remind you that said weapon was in your desk and thus either tampered with by your son or now in his possession."

"No one likes a smart-ass, Sensei."

* * *

**New Loop #2:**

"He told you what?" asked Ritsuko, her morning coffee centimeters from her lips, as she stared at her friend.

"I shit you not," replied Misato. "He claims Penpen is giving him secret commands that he must follow, or the penguin will slaughter him in his sleep."

"… Okay, so a full psychological profile needs to be done," grumbled the Head of Project E, setting down her coffee and she began to make a note in her planner. "But his profile never had anything like this in it?"

"Isn't this the same profile that suggested he be immediately medicated and seek intense therapy?"

"Well, the Commander overrode that."

"Of course he did," sighed Misato, sadly shaking her head.

"Anyway Rits, I have to ask if for nothing else than my own peace of mind…"

"No, Misato; the bird was never genetically engineered beyond adaptation to hotter climates. The simple fact that this was explained to you all the time you imagine that bird doing something—"

**"Would Captain Katsuragi please report to Security Station 5. Captain Katsuragi, please report to Security Station 5."**

The two women blinked as Misato reached for the phone. "Wonder what that's about."

* * *

"Not one damn word, Misato," growled Ritsuko, as she looked at the 'captured security threats' before her.

"I didn't want to come, but he made me!" whined Shinji, as he pointed to the avian in charge.

"And why is Rei here?" asked Misato.

"Ikari-kun informed me that your pet avian wished that I be kidnapped to escort him for a coup d'état," stated Rei quietly.

Misato palmed her face as Ritsuko chuckled lightly.

"How do you think I got the security codes to get that close to the armory?" asked Shinji, pointing at the bird.

"Though I am unable to understand the language of Captain Katsuragi's avian, it did appear to frequently give Ikari-kun directions and access codes to several areas of the base he is supposed to have no knowledge of," offered Rei.

"You're telling me, Rei, that it actually appeared as if Shinji understood Penpen, and that Penpen was in fact ordering him around."

"That is correct."

"Okay then. Penpen," she said, bending over the bird in question. "Please tell Mommy why you wanted Shinji to start a coup d'état here at NERV."

Said bird looked at her curiously, made several flipper movements, and made several sounds.

"He says he isn't saying anything until he gets a lawyer," sighed Shinji.

"Wark."

"And some beer," stated Shinji.

"We don't give into the demands of a probable terrorist—I can't believe I just said that," grumbled the Section 2 agent, now palming his face.

Penpen hopped off the chair, waddled towards the man, and turned around, delivering his response.

Shinji continued to looking scared, even as he cracked up inside. It had taken him forever to train Penpen to respond the right way to his bodily movements. Of course, he hadn't made the one to release bowels at a specific time. But hey, he wasn't going to ignore such perfect timing.

* * *

**New Loop #3:**

"And that's the plan," replied Misato with a smile.

"What idiot came up with that?" bellowed Asuka.

"Kaji," stated Misato, enjoying how quickly Asuka was silenced.

"Question," stated Shinji, his eyes having lost focus for a moment before snapping back.

"Sure, Shinji," smiled Misato.

Shinji plastered on his usual look of uncertainty. He had no idea why he arrived this far in a Loop. But that meant it would be more shocking when he stopped being the doormat. The fact Asuka had just moved in was icing on the cake. "Well, I was wondering, why we simply don't take the resources, focus on fixing the less damaged Evangelion, and sending it out with two progressive spears to pierce the cores at the same time, since they're just sitting there, defenseless."

Misato blinked. "Um…"

"Hell, if one N2 did that much damage to them, wouldn't another blast or two finish them off?" Shinji continued. "Unless of course the Commander doesn't want to have anyone else destroy the Angels but us."

"Uh…"

"Heck, they have no defenses, I'm sure two high powered lasers or even conventional arms timed right could destroy both cores and cause a minimal amount of additional damage."

"… I need to call Ritsuko. Could you guys give me a few minutes?" she asked, walking away.

"Well, that was fun," said Shinji with a smile, clapping his hands together. "Red, do me a favor and get your shit out of my room before I toss it out."

"WHAT?" bellowed Asuka. "How dare you, Third Child!"

Shinji just shrugged. "Amazing what brain damage and a lack of medication can do to you, huh?" he said with a smile.

"Toss out my stuff and you'll be flying after it!" yelled Asuka, her voice not as certain or authoritative as before.

"Yeah, you keep thinking that. I however will think about how your stuff flies like you did during the battle with the Angel. Later," he waved, heading to the door. He had his NERV ID—that also doubled as his bankcard—and an appetite for something French. Maybe he could even find a clay pigeon launcher and borrow Misato's gun.

Tossing Asuka's stuff out the window was okay. Launching it and watching it blow apart from a well-timed shot while sipping margaritas on the balcony was great entertainment.

* * *

**New Loop #4:**

The smell of salt water was in the air, the gentle rocking of a massive aircraft carrier, the sting of his cheek from an angry ginger…

He had awoken to his first five minutes aboard the _Over the Rainbow_.

Blinking, he allowed his mind to cycle through the knowledge, his conscious quickly scanning it to make certain it was a Prime Loop History, not a possible universe were Variant-X happened instead of Variant-Y.

That version of Rei could be very angry that her lover did not return with a piece of the defeated Angel to mount on her wall.

As his eyes turned to the haughty Second Child, watching as she assaulted Toji for flashing her, he decided some payback was in order. "Kensuke?"

"Yeah, man?" asked the otaku, as he filmed Toji's cries.

"You can have anything in my room, I'm about to be charged with murder," stated Shinji calmly as he strode over to Asuka and grabbed her by her ear.

"Hey! Let me go! Pervert! How dare you touch me? Where do you think you're taking me?" Asuka bellowed.

"Oh, Shinji!" smirked Misato. "Can't resist her charms?" she asked in a teasing voice.

"No, I'm saving myself working with the bitch by tossing her into the ocean," stated Shinji calmly, dragging the now frantically screaming redhead towards the edge of the deck.

"Yea," weakly cheered Toji.

Misato's chuckles turned nervous as she noticed that despite his nature—from what she knew of it, at least—Shinji was not stopping, nor were Asuka's struggles defeating him.

"Man overboard!" yelled Shinji, Asuka pulled back to be launched, before several sailors tackled him.

Not that they didn't want her thrown off the ship; it was just that they didn't want the obviously sane pilot of an Evangelion to be executed. They'd rather have him in charge of stopping the Angels than her.

"Let me go!" yelled Shinji. "Let me see one of you raise a hand if you don't think she should be tossed overboard!"

Misato strode up to the scared and fuming Asuka, laying a hand on her shoulder. "See, this is why you need to learn to control your temper. You just better hope whatever you broke by hitting him doesn't mean he can no longer cook or clean." Sure, she couldn't kill Asuka, but she could make her life a living hell.

"He tried to kill me!" yelled Asuka.

"Oh, like I'm the first guy who listened to you for a minute and tried to throw you to your death!" yelled Shinji, now restrained by four deckhands … who were still having trouble.

Misato just rubbed her forehead. Ritsuko was going to go over Shinji with a fine-tooth comb and turn him back into the sweet quiet kid she knew before.

"How about we dangle you from a line behind the ship! Maybe we can keep that Angel from following us!"

_Oh yeah, he's snapped,_ Misato though silently. _Of course, after seeing how EVA changed Asuka and meeting Rei, I guess I shouldn't be so surprised._ "Asuka, may I introduce the Third Child, Shinji Ikari."

"WHAT?" bellowed the part-German.

"If I kill the Angel about three hours out, can I at least tie her to the anchor?" asked Shinji in a kind voice.

"There's an Angel headed towards us?" asked one of the sailors restraining him.

"Duh!" spoke Shinji. "They sent the Evangelion by the slowest route possible, didn't hook up the armor needed to fight at sea, and just now delivered the plug so it could at least have power.

"Am I the only one here who recognizes a setup when they see it?" he asked.

Seeing the nervous glances about, he tried one more tactic designed to at least piss off the redhead. "Can we at least gag the Second Child?"

"I'LL KILL YOU!" screamed Asuka, diving at him to strangle him.

"Thanks for bringing me, Misato!" cheered Kensuke as he watched the brawl.

* * *

**New Loop #5:**

"Do you two have anything to say for yourself?" demanded Misato.

Shinji would have shrugged, but Rei was currently slumbering against his side. "Could you quiet down, Rei's sleeping," he hissed.

"I don't care," growled Misato. "Do you two have any idea what position you have put me in?"

"Somehow, I doubt it is any of NERV or my father's business that we spent the last four hours having sex," stated Shinji.

"And if she gets pregnant?" asked Misato.

"Gee, I guess it would help if we knew a doctor who could prescribe the morning after pill," he replied, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You are too young for sex!"

"Says the woman who commands me to fight for humanity's safety."

"Damn it, Shinji," the woman sighed, falling into her chair, wishing she was either more sober or drunker—whichever would help make this moment pass. "That is exactly why you two can't be intimate."

Oh yeah, like she hadn't muttered those words to him before. One thing from the Loop though, eventually you would win every argument if you played it out just right.

"Listen, Misato," he said, rearranging his arm as Rei snuggled closer to him, "we don't do this lightly. The simple fact is we need to unwind, form bonds, find a reason to keep fighting. The old man has our paychecks tied up so we can't even be sure we're being paid. We put our lives on the line every day. So of course we find happiness where we can."

"But this could compromise your effectiveness in the field."

"Right, because the alien menace understands human values … how?" asked Shinji. Oh, he knew how. With any luck, Kaoru was discovering his free access to several adult entertainment channels. With any luck this Loop, the Angel of Free Will would be too busy chasing girls to care about Adam or Lilith.

And if not, Shinji knew of a few excellent strip clubs in Tokyo-2 that didn't check IDs too closely.

"Misato, trust us that we know enough to do this right," he replied. "Besides, it isn't like I plan to go around sowing my oats."

His guardian could only smirk at that. "Four hours too much for you?"

"You know what they say about the quiet ones," he smirked, kissing Rei on the top of her head. Besides, he needed those skills if he was to try the hardest medical procedure in the world: removing the rod from Asuka's ass.

Shaking her head, Misato left the room for a moment, returning with a fresh can of beer. Taking a large sip, she looked at the ceiling. "I can't believe I'm having this conversation."

He just continued to smile.

"Fine, but you have to tell Ritsuko and the Commander."

"Fine, I'll just need a sidearm to deal with Gaybeard the Pirate when he gets angry.

"I think he has a thing for Rei. Why else would he insist she keep her hair like my mother used to wear."

Her eyes twitching, Shinji knew he had said the right thing. Besides, he already knew how his father would react.

Luckily, he also knew that years without a good street fight had dulled his father's defenses against a famous street-fighting technique: boot-to-da-balls.

Although the possibility of a threesome with Rei II and Rei III was intriguing…

* * *

**New Loop #6:**

Shinji blinked as time restarted, already knowing that this Loop was going to suck. Moreover, like most people who realized such things, it came when reality became clear to his eyes.

Before him was a giant lake, with a pale, grey teen standing on an outcropping of ruble.

"What wonderful music these Lilim create," stated Kaworu with a smile.

And to add to Shinji's despair, Kaworu wasn't even 'awake'.

"Fuck this," growled Shinji. Looking around, he tried to remember what if any buildings in Tokyo-3 might still be usable, or at least hold some liquor. He doubted a strip club was an option now, unless he hotwired Misato's car to head to Tokyo-2.

"Is there a problem, Shinji-san?" asked the respectful Angel.

The Third Child gave him a hooded glare. "I'm looping in time, I'm at the point in the original timeline about a week before everything goes to hell, and I'm pretty sure if I remember things right, Asuka will kill me if she woke up as well," he murmured, hoping she didn't. God, he was a repressed kid back then.

"O~kay," replied Kaworu, wondering about the proposed change in the Third Child. "I am—"

"Kaworu Nagisa, Fifth Child," replied Shinji. "Also known as Tabris, Seventeenth Angel, the Angel of Free Will, yadda-yadda-yadda," he finished, ignoring the look of surprise on Kaworu's face.

"Hey, wanna come with me? Since you'll probably end up killed like the others, we could try negotiating a truce between the two groups."

"If you know my true origins, then—"

"Don't give me that religious dogma," snorted Shinji. "Adam and Lilith were two technorganic entities created by the First Ancestral Race to attain intelligence in the universe, sent out to spread life because for some reason, the assholes felt that the chance of it developing on its own was impossible. Lilith landed on Theia, which then crashed into proto-Earth, which Adam had landed on, and because, God-forbid, the assholes who made them could make them work together, something was activated, Adam was put to sleep, and Lilith took over.

"So since I want to avoid dealing with that shit and make this week pass as quickly and as painlessly as possible, I'm going to steal a car, some booze, and head over to Tokyo-2 for a strip show. I heard some woman named Luscious Mall was headlining at the Jade Emperor's Palace. Wanna come and learn more about us Lilim?"

Kaworu could only blinked before nodding. The Lilim were truly strange.

Smirking, Shinji looked around for a good car to steal. It was amazing what the cops would let pass when you showed a NERV ID.

The smirk quickly turned to panic as he felt a disturbance in the Force, as if an angry redhead had just woken up and discovered what he had done in a fit of hormonal angst. "Kia it is."

* * *

**New Loop #7:**

"Who the hell are you?"

"I am Section #3 agent assigned by the Third Child to 'keep the crazy redheaded bitch' out of his room," replied the suit standing before Shinji's room, several behind Asuka holding her boxes.

"WHAT?" bellowed the Second Child. "Do you know who I am?"

"Yes, I do," he said, as she smiled. "You are **not** the person who assigned me this detail and thus you cannot order me to move."

"Excuse me," came a quiet voice behind them.

Turning, Asuka spotted a blue-haired girl with light skin standing behind her. "What do **you** want?" she growled at the First Child.

Ignoring her demand—as she was ordered to—she stepped beside Asuka. "Sato-san."

"Welcome back, Ms. Ayanami," he replied, opening the door for her.

"What the hell!" demanded Asuka.

"She's on the guest list," replied the named Agent Sato.

* * *

**New Loop #8:**

Misato just rubbed her temples, trying to keep from yelling.

Damned if her two charges and the First Child weren't making it impossible. "Explain this again?" she growled out.

Rei just stared impassively.

Shinji continued to smile.

Asuka looked completely embarrassed. "Nothing happened," she spoke, "and nothing like it will ever happen again."

"That was not the phrasing or intent expressed at the time," supplied Rei.

"Shut up, Doll!"

Giving the two girls a hooded glare, she focused all her attention on the boy sitting in the middle. "Shinji?"

"Yes?" he asked, sounding and looking as innocent as a newborn.

She didn't buy it anymore than she bought the idea that Commander Ikari was a caring father. "Explain?"

"About what?" he asked.

"Don't give me that!" spat Misato. "Not after what I caught you doing?"

"… Was it the illegal gambling I do with Penpen?" he asked.

"… No," she ground out. As if such a thing would ever happen.

Of course, she was more willing to accept the possibility after said penguin entered, handed Shinji a thick envelop, and returned to the kitchen.

Opening it up, Shinji withdrew a large stack of yen notes and smiled. "Cool, now I can afford it."

"Afford what?" asked Misato.

"… Nothing," he said quickly, hiding the package. "You were claiming to have caught me doing something?"

Ignoring the fact that he was doing **something else illegal**, she went back to the original reason she was yelling at him. "You know what you did."

"Well, nothing in the NERV rules says I **can't** sale add space on my Evangelion," he offered.

She went back to rubbing her temples. _At least now, I can inform Rits why all those Eva-sized stickers and decals showed up._ "I'm talking about sex, Shinji!"

"… We've never had sex, Misato," he said, scratching his chin. "Unless you got me drunk and seduced me."

"I DID NO SUCH THING!"

"Well, then I fail to see why I'm in trouble."

"You had sex with them!" she yelled, pointing at the other two people in the room.

"He took advantage of me!" cried Asuka.

"The video will show differently," replied Rei.

"… VIDEO!?" yelled Misato and Asuka.

"Duh," snorted Shinji. "As an important celebrity figure, I can't have someone claim one of my liaisons were anything but consensual," he offered. "Like Asuka here, the video will prove not only that she initiated it, but was a full consenting partner in it."

The Second Child paled. If such got out, what would happen to her reputation, caught doing **that** with someone like **him**? Kaji would never even think of touching her after such. "Give it to me NOW!" bellowed Asuka, leaping from her seat and preparing to thrash the witnesses. Certainly, Misato could be bought off with a nice German lager.

"The files are stored within a heavily encrypted section of the MAGI," replied Shinji with a smile, having learned the hard and very bloody way not to keep anything on premises or not ensure the MAGI wouldn't just hand it over to Gendo.

Casper was such a bitch at times.

"You videotape yourselves!" asked an exasperated Misato.

"Didn't I just admit and explain that?" inquired Shinji, turned now towards Rei.

"That is correct, Shinji-sama," she replied.

He turned back to the shocked Misato and the angry Asuka. And … there were the bulging veins in their foreheads. At least this Loop was going to be enjoyable … until his father discovered that the MAGI were not filling him on what Shinji and Rei were really doing. But with any luck, Asuka would be a bit calmer the rest of the Loop.

Well, unless she tried to 'assist' him in an 'accident'. Wouldn't be the first time Asuka killed him rather than admit they had done something.

* * *

**New Loop #9:**

Asuka blinked as the light-attack from the Fifteenth Angel struck her. "Um … is something supposed to happen?" she asked.

All of the sudden, everything went black, as if all light had been cut off inside the plug. However, that had to be impossible, as she could still see herself.

_"Asuka, what's happening,"_ she heard Misato call over the communication channel. _"We just lost the video link!"_

"No clue," said Asuka. "All my lights went out, but I can still see myself…"

All of the sudden, two circle-like eyes and a pair of red lips formed before her face.

"… Hiiiii."

Asuka just blinked, trying not to shiver at hearing the voice. For some reason, she wanted to scream.

* * *

Shinji shivered inside the entry plug of the frozen Unit 01. "Better her than me," he shivered, remembering his own encounters with the psycho Mr. Popo.

_Could be worse, I could be haunted by Ghost Nappa like Ranma is…_

* * *

**New Loop #10:**

" **The choice is made. The Traveller has come."**

Rei blinked. "I do not understand," she replied, tilting her head as she stared at the circular form of the Angel before her.

Suddenly, it began to morph, turning white and taking on a humanoid form.

* * *

Inside NERV, Misato gasped at the image on the main viewer, for a moment, the form reminded her too much of Adam, but that quickly passed, fear turning to confusion.

* * *

Inside her Evangelion, Asuka barely had the will to focus on the holographic window displaying the battle outside. As the Angel finished morphing, a bit of her old self forced its way to the surface of her mind, demanding expression.

"… the fuck?"

* * *

Inside Unit 01, Shinji palmed his face. "At least this FUBAR Loop isn't lasting too long," he said quietly, trying to console himself as he watched a giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man slowly trudge towards Rei.

* * *

**New Loop #11:**

Gendo was his usual impassive self as he made his way towards the brig, made his way to reassert control over the Third Child.

He had no idea how or why, but Unit 03 and its pilot, the Fourth Child, we one hundred percent functional, no sign of contamination. Whatever the Third Child and Unit 01 had done to the duo had purged the Thirteenth Angel from them, leaving them whole, unharmed, and with Unit 03 now sporting a functional S2 organ.

This was definitely **not** within his scenario.

He would have to reign in his child, ensure that Shinji did not further deviate from the scenario planned by Gendo. By all signs, the Third Child had deviated from his normal behavior sometime during his fight with the Thirteenth.

A few hours in the brig should have changed that.

_**"When I was first baptized, when I was criticized, when I was ostracized, when I was Jazzercised, steak and kidney pies, when I was modernized, when I was circumcised…**_

_**"Daddy wasn't there."**_

He certainly didn't expect his son to be singing.

* * *

"Do you know why I have placed you here, Third Child?" he demanded.

Shinji gave him a hooded glare. He hated Looping into the middle of his Prime Timeline. It left him was so little free time to enjoy himself. And now he had to deal with how things were going to go.

Like he wanted to be absorbed by Unit 01 again. "Cause you're an ass?" offered Shinji.

Gendo apparently did not think it was funny, and shut the door.

Smirking, Shinji decided to get a few more barbs into his father. "So, how does Mom offering to help me stop your stupidity effect your scenario?"

The door opened again, his father's usually passive glare was now focused, full of anger.

"Seriously, did you think Mom would simply let you trash everything she worked for because you couldn't be parted from her?" Shinji asked, confident in his own fighting abilities that he could handle his father. He had after all escaped a Rei drunk on tequila with only a dislocated shoulder.

"You know nothing," Gendo stated.

"Please, she knows you had Rei break it off with Naoko Akagi for you," Shinji offered with a snort. "Doesn't say much for the manliness factor you offer when you can't even break it off with her face-to-face."

Gendo remained silent.

"By the way, does having Adam in your palm make it difficult to go to the bathroom, or do you wear gloves for that as well?"

"You could not know these things, even if you communed with the soul inside Unit 01."

"Don't you know yet? Girls tell each other **everything**. Did you think even the Evangelions couldn't chat with each other?"

The fact that the anger disappeared off Gendo's face was a good reward for the Looping pilot. But it was time to really twist the knife. "Don't you have some giant dominos to go speak to? The Fourteenth will be here in oh … three hours, fifteen minutes and eight seconds … mark!"

The door shut again as he heard the soft footsteps of his Father making his way quickly from the brig. "Ah, not a brain aneurism, but just as fun.

"Now, some decent sleep without Misato's snoring," he replied, laying down on the floor and using his shirt as a pillow.

After all, a few more hours away from Asuka and before he became one with his mother—insert Oedipus Complex here—could only be a good thing. At least he didn't have to worry about being sexually assaulted by the Reiquarium … again.

Saotome had been right: sex **could** kill. "At least I didn't begin the Loop on the day Mom got absorbed," he muttered tiredly, drifting off to a short dream about being alone on a deserted island.

For a Looper, that was paradise.

* * *

**New Loop #12:**

"Okay," growled Misato. "Do you three have any idea how much trouble you are in?" she yelled.

"Calm down, Misato," smiled Shinji, struggling to keep the two with him from falling down. "We were … having a peace conference … yeah!"

"A peace conference?" Misato replied. "How is taking the First and Fifth Child to a strip club, getting drunk; a peace conference?" she demanded.

Blinking his bloodshot eyes, Shinji opened his mouth … and…

**"BURP!"**

Misato hopped back, fearing that the inebriated Third Child would vomit all over her.

"W-well," he stumbled, trying to think coherently enough to speak **and** maintain his standing position, "I figured th-that if I could get the Ambassadors for the Angels and Humanity together, we could end this war in the only sane manner we had."

"Ambassadors?" muttered Misato, not seeing the raised eyebrows of Commander Ikari or Ritsuko.

"Yes," said Shinji. "And as such, we decided this war the same as it was done in the old days."

"You got drunk," Misato replied eyes narrowed.

"We had a drinking contest," offered Rei, doing a far better job at remaining standing than Kaworu.

"The Angels admit defeat, humanity has won!" cheered the Fifth Child, nearly dragging Shinji to the floor as he lost his balance.

"The Angels cannot hold their liquor," Rei replied with a smile. "In terms of drinking contests, the children of Lilith are superior."

"Too true," muttered Shinji. "Although…"

"Although?" asked Kaworu, nearly singing the word.

"I have to wonder … would any of the other possibilities have fared any better?" he spoke.

Kaworu quickly shook his head, nearly toppling over again. "The one you referred to as the Twelfth, is completely unable to handle alcohol. One bottle of scotch would have destroyed him."

"… Glad he didn't inherit the Earth," muttered Shinji.

"Although … I have to wonder," Kaworu spoke again, his gaze somewhat unfocused, "what were the other options to be the Children of Lilith?" he spoke.

Slowly, the duo turned to Rei.

The First Child blinked, tapping her free hand against her lips, and considered her response. "It does not matter, they were losers."

"Cheers!" smirked Kaworu before reaching into his pocket and producing a bottle of beer.

"He's an Angel!" Misato stammered, pointing at the boy.

The Angel known as Tabris blinked. "I thought everyone knew that," he muttered, popping the top of the beer bottle on the nearby table.

"She's a bit slow on things," replied Shinji.

"Besides, Misato, we gave Kaworu a second chance," Shinji replied, as Rei withdrew a large wad of bills from her pocket.

"Children of Adam are … unable to shake their money-maker, is what I believe the final contest was called," offered Rei.

"He really sucked at that too," nodded Shinji sagely, as Kaworu passed out and hit the floor.

"… Lightweight," Rei spoke quietly.

"In his defense, there were hardly any strippers and no drunk guys that wanted to tip him," Shinji said.

"It does not matter," stated Rei. "Taking your advice, Shinji-kun, I have determined the path my life will now take, as I do not wish to assist the Commander in initiating Third Impact."

"Oh?"

"I wish to be an exotic dancer. I had … fun," she muttered, before passing out as well.

As she hit the floor, Shinji raised his hands. "And once again, the Third Child saves the world with the help of strippers and alcohol, thus destroying any plans his Old Man had for trying to nail Mom again.

"And now, my mission complete for this Loop, embarrassing secrets of the Angels learned, and War ended, night!" he proclaimed, before he too passed out.

"Um … Sempai," asked Maya. "What the hell just happened here?"

* * *

**New Loop #13:**

Shinji tried to keep his head down lately. Things were going good for him, namely he was alone in the Loop. It wasn't Fused with any other universes, no one else was Awake, and his history hadn't been radically shifted or had him dropped as an age-increased outsider into his 0-timeline—Asuka would never be told that Shinji had totally nailed her mom in that Loop.

That was why he was worried now. Things were simply going too well for him—well, as well as they could in his universe. Moreover, if anything had been taught to an Anchor, it was beware when things go well, for it means the Gremlin is waiting with a steel-toed boot to throw at you. After all, just because he didn't know what might be changed, didn't mean nothing had. There would be one event, one sole person who would drop the other shoe.

"It's going to be female," he muttered, walking down the corridors of NERV. "It's always female," he sighed sadly.

* * *

"Hi, I like the way you smell," said an unknown figure that had crept behind him. Only her lack of ill intent kept him from lashing out and introducing her to how sturdy the corridors had been made.

"Smell?" he asked curiously, showing no surprise. "I smell like LCL," he muttered, making a mental note to ask Dr. Akagi why the pilot lockers were so far from the EVA bays. Any further away and he half expected to spot a Starbucks or a McDonalds before he made it to either destination.

"I know," she purred, wrapping her arms around him and peeking her head over his shoulder enough to reveal her glasses. "I like the smell of LCL."

_Okay, she has some major issues,_ he thought to himself. "Thank you for the information, Ms…?"

"Mari," she replied. "Mari Illustrious Makinami, pilot of Unit 05!"

And there was that shoe dropping, right on his crotch with the force of an N2 mine. It wasn't a variant Loop he was familiar with, but a new mixture of them. Which meant some of the people he sent to possibly assassinate SEELE might be targeting the wrong people. _Oh well, it was their money, anyway._

_But now I have a pervert with an LCL fetish hanging off me._ "I wasn't aware Unit 05 was here," he stated calmly.

"Not yet," she continued, rubbing her cheek against his. "It is still at the joint U.S./Russian Nerv Bethany Base. They're moving it here soon."

"Oh?"

"They were hoping you would have caught one of the Angels for them to study. But you keep killing them," she replied, disappointment evident in her tone. "But on the bright side, it means I get to come here with you and the other pilots."

He blinked at that. "I didn't think Rei and I were that famous."

"Oh, you are in a way. I was referring that they are sending several more pilots here."

If the light had been better in the hallway, she would have been able to tell how pale he had become. All of them? All those Evangelions? All their support personnel with a range of mental issues from depression to a mindset that would make Batman's Joker look like Ben Stein? All of them … in Tokyo-3?

"In fact, I'm your new next door neighbor," Mari continued, not noticing his change. "I heard Misato is throwing a party for me to welcome Tokyo-3's newest pilot."

Oh, now he had to **cook** for them too! This day was just getting worse.

"I was supposed to be in the South Side, but they are redoing that area for some JSSDF robot."

_Whom did I piss off to get this? I didn't end the last Loop badly. Why is this happening to me? Saotome knows I had nothing to do with those clone troopers!_

"But one thing first…"

"Huh?" he asked, having been too deep into wallowing in his self-pity to notice that she was now before him or that they had made it to the male locker room.

He did however notice when she locked the door behind them.

_To whoever or whatever is torturing me like this, would it help if I said I was sorry and pleaded for forgiveness?_

The sound of Mari unzipping told him that no help—divine, demonic, or otherwise—would be coming.


	16. Evangelion Time Loops 4

**Evangelion Time Loop 4**

Disclaimer: I don't own this series or any other series. I am just floating an idea. I am making no money, nor plan to, off this venture. If you think of suing me over this, then grow up.

I would like to first personally thank all of those reviewing my stories. I enjoy reading your comments, and try to correct the grammatical errors I miss with my final read-through as well as my spell checkers. The suggestions you all make will help make this story better for everyone to enjoy, as well as allow me to fix some plot holes I may unintentionally leave. If you find any, let me know, and I will correct them and repost the chapters.

* * *

This group is based on a Groundhog's Day concept, if time was looping, and certain members were aware of this.

These are their insanities.

* * *

**New Loop #1:**

_Thanks to Gregg Landsman for allowing me to use his version of Rei…_

Shinji sighed as time began again, counting the change in his pocket as he stood before a payphone.

_Well, I arrived before I wasted any change. That's good, I suppose._ Sometimes when a Loop restarted, you could use a drink, and it sucked when it wouldn't accept any bills and your change didn't even come to half of what you needed.

"Heee~ey."

"Ah! No, I didn't forget the pecking order Mr. Po—Rei?" Shinji blinked from the ground.

"You're funny," stated the First Child, bandage free, and a smile on her face that made him want to run. "So, what'cha doin'?"

"… Have you been into any tequila?" he asked.

"No, why?"

"… O~kay," murmured Shinji, standing up and dusting himself off.

"You're different now," Rei continued. "You got tinier." Looking down, she hefted her chest. "So did I, weird."

_Oh … shit!_ "Rei, mind if I ask you a weird question that would defy common sense?"

"Those are the best kind, silly," she giggled.

"For you, has time seemed to reset to an earlier point, but those you knew from the original timeline seem different in ways you can't adequately describe, almost as if the universe decided to rewrite history?"

The blue-haired girl nodded happily.

"… Well, let me be the first to welcome you, Rei Ayanami, to your first Fused Loop." With that, he began to explain the Loops, hoping this Rei was less dangerous than his Rei.

Yet, deep in his heart, he knew that hope had already crashed, burned, been buried by a volcano, and was currently being pumped into a car after turning into crude oil.

* * *

"And I'm telling you I have them both in my car!" Misato said over the phone. "So tell whoever wrote down that Rei was still in the infirmary to get off their ass and check again!"

"She seems tense."

"She always is," said Shinji in the back seat, next to the new Rei. She was listening to him at the moment, apparently trusting in his knowledge of things.

The fact he hadn't freaked out when she demolished a car with a squeaky mallet was a definite point in his favor.

"So, when do we go kill the Angel?" she asked with a smile.

"In a bit," he said heavily. "I'm still trying to figure out how to do so this time. It keeps them on their toes and doesn't raise too many questions about how my sync score is unusually high."

"Oh! I know!" Rei squealed, earning an eye from Misato off the rear-view mirror as they made their way to NERV HQ. "Kensuke suggested it when we were inside the Fifth Angel!"

Shinji was honestly shocked, but uncertain what had shocked him the most: that a Rei would hang out with the military otaku, or that he had an idea to deal with the Angel.

* * *

"What the hell was that?" yelled Misato, looking at the screen, which showed the defeated and now dead Angel on the ground, Unit 01 standing in a victory pose, before seeming to blow some dirt off the hand it had used for the one punch to breech the Angel's AT Field and destroy the core.

"Wow, he really pulled it off," smirked Rei, rocking on her feet.

"Did the Third Child just defeat the Angel with a Falcon Punch?" asked Makoto.

Shigeru shrugged. "Hey man, whatever works."

* * *

**New Loop #2a:**

Gendo stared at the sight before him, not sure how to take it. After all, he had come to visit the worthless gravesite given to his wife—there was no body to even bury, after all—and had expected to see his son there, a testament to his scenario to have the boy pliable and ready for when the Angels arrived.

He hadn't expected to see several JSSDF soldiers standing guard beside the child.

"Hello, Father," stated Shinji quietly as he laid down some flowers before the marker. "I am surprised to see you here without your personal protectors."

Gendo said nothing, staring at the boy, waiting for something to slip as to why his scenario was not going as planned. After all, he had no knowledge that Shinji was a Looper, nor that Shinji had started this iteration of the Loop shortly after Gendo had driven off, leaving him alone on the street.

Nevertheless, he would soon know that his needed Third Child was anything but.

"It would appear that the time I have allotted to spend within your presence has ended," spoke Shinji, turning away from the marker, the guards following. "I am quite busy at my current assignment."

"And that is?" asked Gendo.

Shinji paused, turning slightly with a smile on his face. "Now Father, wouldn't you feel better finding that out for yourself? I am sure Fuyutsuki and Ayanmai will enjoy hearing such a daring tale.'

He left his father stumped at how in-depth his knowledge of NERV was as the JSSDF VTOL took him back to his work.

Ruining a man's work was never done.

* * *

"He's what?" asked Gendo.

Kozo nodded, looking over the assembled file he had retrieved from the JSSDF. However, much of it was redacted—even with his clearance level—what remained did not paint a good picture for NERV. "He is head of some project called TRIDENT," he continued. "Thanks to the knowledge he's brought to the project, they expect to have them ready three years before the scenario calls for the Angel's return, let alone before we even have an Evangelion ready for field test."

Gendo growled lightly. No, this was not good at all. "This will not do.

"I wonder however how this escaped the attention of the Committee."

"Apparently, the project has come under budget the last three years," offered the Sub-Commander. "As such, without new requests to expand the budget, it never really surfaced as an issue that might attract their interest."

Gendo took several calming breathes, trying to reign in his anger. "It looks like they will need to be … informed of this oversight."

"Oh?"

Gendo nodded as he stood up. "We will need to get him under our control, and to do that, it is time to announce the finding of the Third Child."

* * *

"Can't we simply use adults for this?" asked the General, grouchy over the fact that the Head of Project TRIDENT refused to let him smoke on premises.

"Once again, no," stated Shinji as he watched the three selected candidates—including the girl he occasionally met named Mana—go through the synchronization procedures. "The AI systems are very selective, requiring the brains of the pilot to learn and adapt to making contact with them. Adult brains lack that ability, which is why I chose children around my age. Until I am able to create a more adaptable AI to work with adult pilots of the TRIDENT series, this will have to do." Oddly, he was beginning to understand why his father had let the JSSDF throw everything they had at the Third Angel when it had arrived and why people referred to Military Intelligence as an oxymoron.

"I still don't like the idea of sending children out to fight," the General spat.

Shinji would have agreed, had the man not been one of the ones who when the JSSDF invaded Tokyo-3, had ordered that all personnel—including the Children—were to be executed on sight. "War is never pretty," he finally spoke. "So unless you find a diplomatic solution to the Angels, I shall do whatever is best to ensure humanity's survival."

**"Doctor Ikari, incoming call from the UN Instrumentality Committee for you."**

"What do those buzzards want?" spat the General.

Shinji sighed as he directed his people to continue the procedure in his absence. It was time to mess with his father again.

* * *

**New Loop #2b:**

Shinji drummed his fingers on the desk, waiting for his father's arrival. This was officially his third trip to NERV to meet the man. The first time, Shinji had left after waiting half an hour. When they called to complain, he informed them that his time was very precious and he did not have the leisure of being kept waiting.

The second time was fifteen minutes. Shinji 'kindly' informed them that if they could not be present when he arrived, they should not expect him to wait.

Today, he was setting the bar at five minutes. After that, if they wanted an appointment, he would have them schedule it at the Research and Development Branch of the JSSDF … and make them wait an hour with cold coffee, stale donuts, and squeaky chairs.

Two could play that game, but only one would play it right.

_Damn, four minutes, fifty seconds,_ he internally grumbled as his father entered, followed by Dr. Akagi and Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki. It looked like there actually would be a meeting this time, after all.

"Glad you could join us today," Gendo stated, taking a seat and placing his hands in the standard position. At times, Shinji wondered if this was perhaps an action learned from having poorly spaced teeth or food in them. It seemed like Gendo never liked to let someone literally see him speak.

"I could have joined you twice before, but you insisted on wasting my time with waiting games," Shinji responded, hands on the tabletop, eyes focused on his father. "I assumed NERV was busy enough that when you scheduled a meeting, you would actually attend it. Obviously, I was wrong in that assumption."

He counted it as a victory when he saw his father's eyes narrow slightly. "Now then, perhaps you could skip any and all small talk and proceed to the reason why—including travel time—I have lost half a day's work to be here?"

"Very well," Gendo replied, before looking over at the Sub-Commander.

"Are you aware of the Marduk Institute?" Fuyutsuki inquired.

"Quite," replied Shinji. "It is the alias given to the procedures and methods used to determine candidates for … your weapons."

"Close enough," murmured Fuyutsuki. "They have already determined the First and Second Child. And recently, they have determined the Third Child."

"Really?" Shinji drawled. "At this rate, you might have five before I'm legally allowed to imbibe alcohol."

The trio ignored the shot at the Marduk Institute. "They have concluded that you, Shinji, are the Third Child."

"… And?"

"And?" blinked Fuyutsuki.

"It means you will be transferred to NERV to begin training to pilot an Evangelion," stated Gendo.

Sighing, Shinji pulled out a PDA, looking over his schedule. "Hmm, I might be able to schedule a two-hour block for an initial test this Saturday…"

"You misunderstand," Gendo stated. "Your tenure with the JSSDF is over. The UN has already submitted the transfer authorization."

"Well, I'm sure they'll try," replied Shinji as he stood up. "However, my work through the JSSDF is not through the military, therefore the UN couldn't order me to blink. My hiring is as an independent civilian contractor though a company I started."

"Your records do not show this to be the case," stated Gendo.

"My records are redacted for a reason," Shinji replied.

"Now then, if you'll excuse me, we have several systems to test today, and I do plan to get my early-completion bonus from the JSSDF. Feel free to contact my secretary to confirm a schedule for these … tests," Shinji said as he left.

Gendo growled lightly, trying to contain his rage. "This isn't over, Third Child."

He turned towards Ritsuko. "I want a non-redacted copy of his file by the end of business day, use the full power of the MAGI to get it."

"That may be impossible," Dr. Akagi replied. "We're not sure how, but their systems have been updated recently to counter a MAGI hack."

"I had already asked her to do such," said Fuyutsuki.

Gendo closed his eyes. That meant the only other way to get a full copy … was to ask the Committee. _He will pay for this.

* * *

_

"He won't give up, you know," spoke the General, as the limo drove off towards Tokyo-II.

Shinji smirked as he read over the latest results from the new upgrades. "He will try."

The General could only shake his head. Kids that age weren't supposed to be that devious.

Then again, kids that age weren't supposed to Head multi-billion-yen projects and design working giant mechanoids. If it wasn't for the fact that he could likely kill the brat with little effort, he might feel worried.

_Next move is yours, Father,_ Shinji thought with a smile.

* * *

**New Loop #2c:**

Entering the main entrance to NERV, Shinji did have to admit he was somewhat impressed. Nothing had changed, nothing to hint that Gendo Ikari was trying to show power, bring intimidation to bear.

Of course, having a dozen JSSDF Special Forces agents guarding him, didn't hurt his confidence any either. It wasn't as if his father would try something now.

Well, he would in all likelihood, but more mental now than physical. If not for the agents, Shinji had no doubt his father would work towards a 'he decided to join us' or a 'he left here, the fact you lost him is not our issue'. He had after all brought Project Trident to completion years ahead of schedule, under budget, and with a higher chance of successful engagement higher than the Evangelions had, even after the Fourteenth Angel.

Gendo Ikari couldn't leave that outside his control. It could disrupt his precious scenario.

Of course, that was why he wasn't surprised when the Security Door opened, revealing a four-man squad of Section-2 agents—otherwise known as Cannon Fodder to the JSSDF due to lack of training and intelligence—accompanying Dr. Ritsuko Akagi and the First Child.

"Ah, Mr. Ikari, welcome," was Ritsuko's greeting. "An honor to meet you. I read your doctoral thesis on organic-inorganic system design and implementation. Pure genius."

He smiled. _Should have figured; there are only two things that turn on Akagi women: power and intelligence._

Which mean … Ritsuko was a fangirl.

"And this is the First Child, Rei Ayanami," she offered. "She's here to answer any questions you have as a pilot."

The bluenette nodded lightly.

Chuckling lightly, Shinji motioned for his group to continue on. _Well, let's see what awaits us in the lion's den today, dear friend.

* * *

_

"How is the feed?" asked a Colonel, assigned to ensure Shinji both entered and left NERV safely.

"Excellent, sir," replied a Lieutenant, watching over a closed-circuit monitor. "Hard to believe he got the MAGI to send us a feed from a camera in his glasses."

"That kid is in charge of a project to save our country and perhaps the world, Lieutenant. I would be surprised if he couldn't do it."

It never hurt to have backup against an unscheduled kidnapping, after all. Foul play was easy to prove when you had video evidence and knew enough about the MAGI to slip a Trojan into it that Ritsuko would only find if she crawled inside of it.

* * *

Gendo stared as well at his own monitor, watching as the large group made their way into NERV. Before him was a slightly redacted file of his son—fifty percent less black marker. The fact that it was the best the Committee had claimed they could get was not a good sign.

The fact his son had an armed escort was an even bigger sign.

"Well played," he murmured, as he watched. It looked like this one would be a challenge.

* * *

"You do not trust your father."

Slowly turning his head, he stared at the First Child, ignoring the dozens of technical support crewmembers who were going about, preparing the Pribnow Box and the Simulation Bodies for a Sync Test. Neither of the Evangelions was complete, nor ready to even try a Sync-test in. "No, I do not. He has done nothing to earn such a favor."

"He is the Commander of NERV."

"I do not care," he simply replied. "He abandons that which he finds no use for. Rarely does he have the guts to do so himself, as the late Naoko Akagi could attest."

He took some pleasure when he saw Rei's usually disciplined shell crack slightly, a flash of memory playing in her mind. He had no doubt that the girl remembered her first death all too well.

"He is a man who only builds his success from the work of others," continued Shinji. "The fact he managed to convince others to follow his lemming herd does not mean I too will join.

"He abandoned me, now seeks control of me because I have shown other uses.

"I do not care about that man's approval, nor am I his doll to play with until he gets bored again.

"If you were wise, Ms. Ayanami, you would remember such a thing too."

Seeing that he had left her speechless, he maneuvered towards the test chamber. He'd done enough to shatter her world.

It was time to work on the head of the snake, not just the tail.

* * *

"Amazing," muttered Ritsuko.

"What?" asked Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki.

"His sync score is holding steady at ninety-four percent," replied the surprised Doctor. "Shinji, can you move the sim-body?" she asked over the radio.

_"No problem,"_ came the reply, as the arms of the sim-body rose from their prone position and waved at the observation area.

They were a bit shocked when the arms moved towards another end of the Observation Room and gave it the two-fingered salute.

"Um … Shinji?"

_"Sorry, just delivering a message to the Commander.

* * *

_

Gendo glared at the monitor, wondering how the boy had learned he was watching him from that specific camera.

* * *

"I can't believe that brat asked you to inform him that," sighed the Colonel.

* * *

**New Loop #3:**

"It would appear the Angel is giving us as much trouble as expected," grumbled General Kongo, snuffing out his cigarette.

"Agent Omega's Intel seems to be panning out," replied General Nagato with a smirk.

"Bah," snorted General Fuso, looking at the holographic screen as the JSSDF forces were being creamed by the Angel: Sachiel. "To think we are reduced to using … them," he muttered.

Nagato smirked. "Then it is lucky that Omega is in the area, with Alpha ready for deployment."

"In the area?" questioned Kongo, before nodding. "Right, the Ikari boy, he's supposed to be stuck in Tokyo-II because of the train stoppage. Who ordered that?"

"All civilians were to disembark and head to the shelters," replied Fuso.

"And yet the boy didn't," smirked Nagato. "It would seem Gendo is already trying to set pieces for his play."

"I just can't believe our biggest and best assests to use against him are Alpha and Omega," grumbled Fuso.

"Quit bitching like a school girl on the train and authorize him," growled Kongo.

* * *

"Understood sir," replied the pilot of the huge transport.

"Damn it, I can't believe they want us so close that **that** thing," muttered the co-pilot.

"Hey, we drop where Omega requests, and he requested that Alpha be dropped here before those guys ever called us with approval. Therefore, we drop her there.

"Besides, we'll be over three kilometers up, no way in hell can that thing hit us."

"Well, better here than down there in the meat grinder, I guess," muttered the co-pilot, glancing back to the cargo hold and catching a glimpse of Agent Alpha.

* * *

"And that is why you need to stand up for yourself," replied the man, clinking his soda can against Shinji's.

"I-I guess so, sir," replied Shinji nervously.

"Ah, don't worry, kid," replied the man. "My Old Man, a real asshole, like yours," he continued. "It took me a while to realize, I shouldn't care about his approval, but my own happiness. That I wasn't a doormat, living under his control, and living in the past. I had to make my own way, forget about an approval I might never get."

"I … I guess I see the point," muttered Shinji.

The older man just smiled, trying to ignore the weakness in his younger analog. After all, part of him always wondered what would his life had been like if someone would have set him straight about trying to win Gendo's approval.

He paused, putting his finger to his ear to hear. "Well kid, you better ask my driver to take you away from here, they're about to drop my partner here to face the Big Bad."

"Big Bad?" asked Shinji, as a shadow loomed over them. He looked up, before his eyes went wide, his jaw dropping as—

**BOOM!**

A large figure, painted nearly all in white, gleaming in the sun, landed before them, taller than any of the nearby buildings.

Moreover, to his shock, it turned … and looked at them.

"Shinji, meet Agent Alpha," replied the man. He put his finger to his ear, as if hearing something, before sighing. "And now she's upset that she was dropped here without me."

"S-She?" squeaked the teen.

"Hey, when a giant, technorganic cyborg says it is a woman, who am I to say no?" the man asked, before the giant mechanoid lowered its hand for him to get in.

"But-but-but!" shrieked Shinji.

The man winced. Was he that skittish when he was younger. "Hey, Detail!" he yelled towards the JSSDF officers in the car nearby. "Make sure he gets to Katsuragi! You should be able to spot her, I doubt you'd miss the rack in her picture she sent him!"

"That better not be a gay-crack!" yelled the female officer below him, as part of Alpha's chest cavity seemed to slide aside, revealing a giant red orb.

"Hey, Shinji!" the figured yelled. "I gotta go kill a Big Bad! See you later, man!" he yelled, as the giant mechanoid held him close to the red orb, allowing him to seemingly walk into it.

"Who-who was that?" asked Shinji.

The male JSSDF officer smirked. "He's Agent Omega."

* * *

_He seems to small and frail. It is hard to remember him as that._

Agent Omega smirked. "Because those memories were damaged when Mom left you and you became your own being.

"Now, we have our own memories to make."

_Can we trust the JSSDF?_

"Not in the slightest," smirked the Looping Ikari. "But for now, we can have new fun!" he chirped.

_Oh, you know the way to win a woman's heart, don't you?_ stated the repainted and human-soul free Unit 01, smirking as it charged towards the approaching Angel.

Shinji just smirked. "Why is it all the women in my life get turned on by the sight of Angel blood?" he asked, laughing lightly.

_What can I say, you learned the true secrets of getting into our inner places,_ Unit 01 replied as it crested a hill and saw the target.

* * *

"I hope they are recording this," smirked General Nagato. "I would love to have a permanent record of Ikari's face when he saw them."

General Fuso smirked. "Even if this fails, I want a copy, just for that."

* * *

**New Loop #4:**

Shinji winced as he looked at the pool of liquid before him.

"What is it?" asked Ellen Ripley, holding her rifle.

"Something more dangerous than those aliens," replied Shinji, holding his own rifle and chambering a round. If they were here…

"What?" asked Carter Burke. After all, he was here to recover specimens, not living entities.

Shinji snorted, just like the military and the corporations to lose sight of common sense. He looked around, weapon at the ready—and severely doubting it would have any effectiveness at all. "Ree."

"What the hell are Ree?" asked Corporal Dwayne Hicks,

**"Heee~ey,"** came a cry over the colony's internal radio. **"For all those still on this planet, we have a free banquet in the Officer Mess Hall. All weapons must be left in the dark closet at the end of the hall, or you can't have any of the yummy food. Entrance fee of one Shinji is required. In addition, as always, this is absolutely, positively, not a trap.**

**"That is all."**

As the Space Marines looked at the closest speaker before them, only Private Jenette Vasquez spoke. "Did anyone else feel a strong chill down their backs aside from me?"

"We're all gonna die," sighed Shinji. Ree, especially those based on that Rei, were never conducive to a long Loop.

* * *

**New Loop #5:**

Shinji was out for the moment, enjoying the free non-Angel-rotting-corpse filled air of Tokyo-3, skipping school, and on a mission.

He had the munchies.

Not being high on some narcotic or as drunk as Misato on payday, he had no idea what he was craving. All he knew was that it was somewhere in Tokyo-3—just not at the school.

"Chinese? Korean? Tai? Native American?

"Huh?" he blinked, looking at the place before him. "Wow, did not know this was here." Shrugging, he went inside. If nothing else, he could get a leaflet to add to Misato's Wall of Cooking.

"Hello, welcome to… Shouldn't you be in school?" asked the man behind the counter.

Shinji shrugged. "My math teacher spends all class period droning on about how things were better before Second Impact, my PE teacher keeps staring at my butt and has less facial hair than the girl's PE teacher, three of my teachers offered to give me full marks if I bring them dirty photos of my guardian, who insist I learn recipes that include the liberal use of alcohol."

"… Right, so what would you like to eat?"

* * *

Shinji smiled as he continued down the street. Breakfast at the Native American restaurant, brunch at the French bistro, lunch at the Tai place, early dinner at the Mexican restaurant, and now a full dinner from the Russian restaurant.

Tokyo-3 had many restaurants, he decided.

He also decided where the best bathrooms to use were. Tai and croissants apparently didn't go too well.

"Let's see," he muttered. "I could go home, hear Asuka whine about how I wasn't at school nor made her lunch, or head home and hear from Misato and Asuka about how he didn't make them dinner.

"Or I could figure out what the hell I'm craving and pick up a late dinner at that Italian place," he muttered.

"Ikari-kun?"

"Oh, hey, Rei," he said with a smile. "What are you doing here?"

"I am purchasing groceries," the pale girl replied.

"Huh? I thought the old man had Section 2 do that for you."

"They are unable to this week because of the number hospitalized from the last Angel attack."

"Oh yeah, forgot that's what my missile hit," he muttered. Damn thing missed his father's house by a mile, easily.

"You did not attend school today," Rei stated.

"Nah, felt hungry," he replied. "You ever have a craving for something, but no idea what?"

"At one point, but then Dr. Akagi prescribed medicine that I am to take to negate that craving," replied Rei.

"… Okay," said Shinji.

He paused for a moment, reaching into his pocket to silence his cell phone once again. Apparently, his minders had been attempting to contact him all day.

"Why do you not answer?" asked Rei.

"Because I don't feel like hearing Misato yelling, Asuka yelling, or cook for them," he replied. "Come on; guess I can help you shop. Worst case, we can crash at my place."

"Crash what?"

"Saying; it means stay over at my place. You can take my bed, I'll take the couch." Looking about, he tried to locate a local market. He really didn't want to try shopping at the ones near Rei's—what with his current lacking of an ability to produce an AT Field or outfitting necessary to avoid being held up.

Then … he saw it, his quest's end. "Heaven!" he yelled, grabbing Rei's hand—missing her deep blush—and rushed towards the answer to his cravings.

* * *

"This taste is quiet … enjoyable," said Rei, scooping up more with her spoon. "I do not understand why it is called Hawaiian Ice, though. I was not aware Hawaii had a large snack trade based on their small ice and snow reserves."

"Just one of those weird things, I suppose," replied Shinji, enjoying his Blueberry. "Like how most people assume pizza was made in Italy."

"I will have to come tomorrow as well," Rei continued. "I wish to sample other flavors."

Nodding, Shinji followed her. "So, should we go shopping now?"

Rei nodded, as she spotted a nearby store close to the rail lines.

* * *

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" yelled Asuka, glaring at the Third Child as he entered the apartment.

"Having fun," stated Shinji. Section 2 had finally tracked him down—fourteen hours, a new record for them—and agreed to escort Rei home. He really needed to speak with someone in NERV to get her moved this Loop.

"What do you think you were doing?" growled Misato. From experience, he knew she was made—there was only two empties on the table before her.

"Mini-vacation," Shinji replied.

"You didn't answer your phone," Misato continued.

"Screw that!" yelled Asuka. "Where is my food, Third Child?"

Shinji handed her several flyers. "I'd go with the English place, great fish and chips," Shinji said.

Asuka stared at him, the flyers, and back at him, not used to Shinji ignoring her like that. He had after all, woken up fighting the Angel a few days ago.

"You do realize you're grounded," stated Misato.

"Really? Cool! No piloting for a week!" Shinji cheered as he headed to his room. Maybe he could finally get his hair to stop smelling like LCL.

Asuka turned to glare at Misato. "Well, do something!" she yelled. Obviously, the Third needed to be retrained.

Sighing, Misato grabbed the flyers. "Haven't had English in a while."

* * *

**New Loop #6:**

Shinji smiled as he continued to type on the school computer. Sure, it lacked power, lacked resources, had a narrow bandwidth—which increased dramatically after he introduced a virus to knock people off the game sites, and not even close to the level of access as the MAGI.

Luckily, Shinji had become the well-skilled code jockey during the Loops. He probably could give Ritsuko a run for her money.

Not that he would show that at the moment. It was one of the sure-thing ways to get her hot and heavy. Moreover, he didn't feel like taking his father's stress-reliever … yet.

Chuckling lightly, he executed the program he was making.

Now, all he had to do was sit back and watch.

* * *

Gendo stared. "What?"

Keel nodded. "The Ikari fortune is gone, wiped out or stolen, I cannot say at this time. Our people are working on it."

Gendo closed his eyes for a moment, attempting to calm himself. "It does not matter."

"Wrong," growled Keel. "That money was the guarantee for many of the loans acquired to build and finance NERV and its past incarnations. It was also making payments for insurance for the families of those killed during the Katsuragi expedition.

"Those funds have to be paid, or investigations will be launched that will be trouble for us."

Gendo narrowed his eyes. "The Ikari fortunes were not that vast."

Keel smirked. "So you would think.

"Yui, however, had quite the profile. It would need to be to secure the funding for Gehirn at the time. Your son stood to inherit a fortune to make him among the richest of the world."

His eyes went wide; Gendo stared ahead in shock. "… Shit."

"Shit, indeed," replied Keel. "The money will be located. This will not go unpunished.

"Until then, we have to route any transaction to the former accounts through our current accounts. This … may slow down the scenario."

Gendo nodded, understanding the hidden context. Budgets would be tightening to hide the missing money, lest some banks ask questions. SEELE's plans themselves might be affected.

He almost felt sorry for the people who stole the money. Keel would not be gentle.

* * *

Shinji hid his smirk as he read the paper. _Whoops, looks like Keel didn't tell the banks about the money,_ he smirked, reading about worldwide UN investigations into several banks.

"I wonder what he'll do when I bankrupt several of the other countries, including a few building MP Evangelions…" he murmured, knowing no one was watching him.

That sort of initiative and attention to their job was frowned upon in Section 2.

* * *

**New Loop #7:**

Shinji stared about. Yep, another Loop, back in Tokyo-II.

He did feel something different, something coming from … inside him?

Looking down, he glanced at his hands.

The odd thing … they glanced right back at him. "Well … this is pretty fucked up right here."

The eyes in the palms of his hands moved as if nodding in agreement.

Turning to his left, he stared for a moment. "Adam?"

The eyes nodded.

"Then I guess that makes you … Lilith," he said, looking at his right palm.

Once again, the eyes nodded in a creepy manner.

Shinji looked up, his own eyes unfocused. "You know, I laughed as Naruto having the Kyuubi, laughed at Saotome having those Angels and Lilith Aensland.

"But they said, one day something like that would happen to me," he murmured, wanting to cry a bit. "I just hoped it never would."

Looking up, he wanted to curse the Gods for this. He now was carrying two creations of the First Ones in this universe in his body, creations meant to bring life to dead worlds. He was going to spend the Loop now trying to keep from creating Third Impact just by sitting inside his Evangelion, being near Rei, or any number of things that could set it off. He didn't want to end up landing in some massive FUBAR Loop because he scratched himself and the world ended.

"My luck, the others will be 'awake' and the Reiquarium will be filled with Ree," he sighed sadly.

"I better not find any Angels or other odd beings in my bed!" he yelled at his palms. "I had enough trouble trying to explain to Kaworu that I didn't 'love' him like that, same goes for the others.

"And you, no summoning the Rei, no turning Unit 01 into Lilith 2.0, and no odd dreams from either of you! We talk when awake! Understand?"

The eyes closed.

"… Not surprising," he said, walking off towards Tokyo-III. "This better not end up with me being female in the Eiken world again, or so help me, planets will run with the blood of … of people stupid enough to be in front of me," he finished lamely.

"STOP LAUGHING AT ME!" he yelled to his hands.

* * *

**New Loop #8:**

"Where did you get that gun, baka?" grasped Asuka, as Shinji stopped before a turn in the corridor, peeking around the corner.

"Asuka," he whispered, "can you shut up so we don't get targeted?" He glared at her under the red emergency lights in the corridor.

"This is against standard procedures," Rei stated, following behind them.

Sighing, Shinji turned to them, getting his weapon at the ready. "NERV has been breached by person or persons unknown. Main power is down, backup has failed, emergency barriers have failed to activate, Section 2 is looking for a donut shop to begin their standard search pattern from, and we've seen no other personnel since we got to here.

"Now, I am trying to find someone here we trust, without getting ourselves kidnapped or slaughtered," he growled. "But if you'd like to be tortured by some freak, feel free to keep talking louder and louder."

With that, he turned around, checked the hallway again, and continued on.

"Oh, now the baka shows some spine," spat Asuka. Rushing forward with Rei following, she approached Shinji. "Give me the gun, Stooge, before you injure yourself."

"I will shoot you, Asuka," Shinji whispered.

"Right," Asuka snorted.

**Click!**

Feeling the cold metal of the barrel placed into her temple, she slowly turned to face Shinji.

"I am not going to have some nut who likes to take pieces of his kills with him, cut off my dangly bits, because your ego doesn't want to relent to common sense," he finished.

"Now, Second Child, shut up, before I make you, permanently." With that, he moved quickly down the corridor, Rei following.

It took Asuka a few more seconds before she followed, rage and fear facing off against libido in her mind.

Hearing hurried footsteps, Shinji held a hand, signaling them to hold back. Waiting for the sounds to reach the corner he was hidden behind, he sprang forward, tripping the person as they passed him, and aiming his handgun at her.

"EEK!"

"… Sorry, Ms. Ibuki," he replied, helping the First Lieutenant back to her feet.

"Huh? Wha? Ikari, what is going on?" Maya asked.

"Possible security breach," he replied, looking about.

"Where did you get a gun?" gasped Maya.

Shinji shrugged. "Section 2 doesn't really check their lockers.

"Now come on," he stated, making his way further along.

"Where are we going?" asked Maya.

"Ikari-kun has suggested we make our way to the Bridge," Rei whispered, "with a secondary target of the Evangelions."

"… Oh," Maya lamely replied.

The group traveled for several more minutes, before Shinji paused once again.

"What now, baka?" whispered Asuka. "Want to take out the cafeteria workers now?"

"We're being watched," Shinji replied, motioning to an air vent ahead of them. "Something knocked some dust out."

"… It's called air conditioning," muttered Asuka.

"Tell me, Ms. College Grad, what here powers the AC?" he asked, glaring at her.

Asuka flushed, turning away, refusing to give a reply.

Looking around them, Shinji slowly approached the air vent, the only one in the hallway. "Rei, watch behind me, warm me if someone comes from there. Ms. Ibuki, watch from the front, make sure if they come out, someone isn't waiting further on up ahead to support them."

Seeing them nod in agreement, Shinji made sure the safety was off, and approached the vent.

"Okay," he said, a bit louder, but not enough to alert the whole floor where they were. "I know you are in there. Come out now, gently!"

Nothing happened for a minute, before the grate was slowly pulled back into the ventilation shaft, and a figure dropped down into their view.

"… Oh shit," Shinji muttered, the gun shaking slightly in his hand.

"… Another Wondergirl?" asked Asuka.

Rei tilted her head, uncertain what to make of this development.

"Heee~ey," the figure said, bouncing on her heals. "This is fun, huh, Shinji?" she spoke with a creepy smile.

"How the hell are there two Wondergirls?" demanded Asuka, glaring at the First Child.

Gulping, Shinji steadied his grip, but didn't lower it. "Rei, are your … sisters here as well?" he asked.

"Yep," the new arrival said with a smile. "And boy, do they wanna play!"

"Do you know her, Shinji?" Maya asked.

"You could say that," Shinji replied, not taking his eye off the Rei before him. Nevertheless, he kept his senses peeled. The Ree were like a group of Velociraptor: it was the one you never saw that got you.

"Hey, is that the other me that hangs out with you all the time?" the Ree-Rei asked.

He nodded.

"Oh, we're gonna have so much fun!"

"What is going on here, baka?" yelled Asuka.

Shinji found himself at a crossroad: shoot himself to spare his mind the mental torture the rest of the Loop might be, or shoot Asuka and save himself having to read her the Riot Act later.


End file.
